Whether you just met the man of your dreams or are casually dating, here are ten simple dating principles to maintain a healthy dating mindset. No matter if he considers you relationship material or just a coffee date, the most desirable women in a man’s mind are the ones who take responsibility for themselves, are confident, and are fantasy free. Be willing to accept what your date has to offer and if you want more than he has to offer, it is okay to move on. You are too valuable to settle or compromise. Remember there is only one person to represent you in the dating world and that’s…you.
Principle#1: “Debunk” the Princess myth that you just need to find your prince and you’ll fall in love. The romantic mindset removes our own personal responsibility and efforts from the relationship. Little girls have been deluded by fairy tales to become disempowered guests and not participants in their relationships with men. You want to cultivate a relationship, build relationship skills and an understanding of men. Trust me, men are not women and they are not waiting for romance.
Principle # 2: The best way you can advance a relationship to the next level is by pulling back. This appeals to a primal need in most men, the competitive nature to win, to pursue, to capture the prize.
Principle # 3: The speed a man enters a relationship is usually the speed he exits.
You should set the speed of the relationship, not your man. The slower, the healthier, which is very difficult to do when you meet a man who you truly connect with.
If the relationship progresses too fast, a man will enjoy it in the beginning, but he is being driven by hormones. When he weans off the love drugs he may get resentful and feel controlled. Without his awareness, his tendency is to blame his partner for advancing the relationship so fast. His survival and independent mode kicks in, he doesn’t understand his own feelings, he wants his freedom.
Principle # 4: Understand the Rubber Band Effect. He gets close then pulls away, and you may chase, panic, pursue him, or become insecure. In reality if you let him be, he may miss you, feel that something is missing in his life and return back more engaged.
You need to slow down the speed of the relationship and this includes sex. In the beginning he most likely speeds the relationship up, however he may eventually slow it down too much. A man must have physical chemistry for a woman in order to get involved with her. In the beginning of a relationship he is led by this physicality. When the “lust” phase of a new relationship wanes, usually eight weeks, he doesn’t feel the strong sexual pull he did originally. So many times he assumes he is no longer attracted to the woman. In reality he doesn’t understand what is happening to himself. For him, without the hard drive of the hormones which he equated with attraction, he starts to feel like something is missing. Leave him alone, he will return.
Principle # 5: Always assume you are casually dating even if you have had sex. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can “shortcut” into a relationship by sleeping with a man. Until the uncomfortable exclusivity conversation takes place you are not a couple. That’s why it is critical not to hit the sheets too soon no matter what the degree of physical chemistry.
Principle # 6: For men that are relationship ready, his actions will match his words. Just because he is on a dating website looking for his lost soul mate, doesn’t mean he is available. If he is available emotionally, relationally, and physically he will prove it and not just give lip service. I cannot stress this principle enough. Always follow a man’s actions, not his words.
Principle # 7: Sex is different for men than it is for women. Women assume that if they are having sex, the relationship advances to a deeper, more intimate level. For most men sex, no matter how great, doesn’t change anything. If he wasn’t sure about you before sex, he won’t be sure about you after sex. If he wasn’t committed before sex, he won’t be committed after sex. It’s that simple.
Principle # 8: You don’t attract the wrong man; you settle for the wrong man. Who you are willing to settle for is who you will end up with. Learn to distinguish the difference between love and lust, between a man who values you and a man who possesses you, and between a man who wants to spend time with you to get his needs met and a man who wants to spend time with you to meet yours.
Principle # 9: Throw out the dating type. Date someone you would never normally date as long as you maintain your values. If you normally go for outgoing men, try dating a quiet guy. If you are attracted to athletic men, try dating a computer geek. If you seek out adventurous men, try dating a more conservative type. Start shopping for a date in the most unlikely places. You may be pleasantly surprised. What do you have to lose?
Principle # 10: Prince Charming is out there, he just isn’t going to be gift wrapped and delivered the way you want. Let go of that fantasy. He will be rough around the emotional edges and may need polishing. Don’t judge too soon, too harshly. The most beautiful part of a long lasting committed relationship is the unique differences you both bring into the relationship. Be willing to learn from each other through the process. Be willing to cultivate the relationship. You don’t just find your soul mate; you create your soul mate.
Denise Wade Ph.D. CMRC is a Dating Mentor, Transformational Educator, Author, Researcher, and Relationship Expert. Denise empowers, teaches, and inspires women to release emotional baggage, heal past pains, identify unhealthy relationship patterns and triggers, and be seen and heard in all their relationships. She is passionate about helping women create positive, loving, long lasting relationships. Receive Relationship Tips and Advice