See & Celebrate What’s Real
by Jan Denise
You’re gritting your teeth and talking under your breath again, wondering if he deliberately provokes you … and if he waits until people are watching to do it.
It’s no coincidence that he’s more irritating when you’re the center of attention. That is, after all, when you’re more consumed with presentation—and what everybody else is thinking! Therein lies the problem.
When it seems as though he’s annoying you, he’s actually just triggering your feelings of insecurity. Without those, there would be no reason to grit your teeth. The mother of all your negative, self-defeating emotion is the belief that you’re not good enough. If you knew beyond all doubt that there was nothing wrong with you, you could drop the pretense and share the real you, without any anxiousness, defensiveness, blame, or qualifiers! And he, too, could be himself, without your making excuses for his behavior, or wondering who noticed!
If that sounds implausible, it’s because you’re playing prisoner to perception.
But what’s real is more sacred (SET ITAL) and (END ITAL) more beautiful than what you’ve conjured up to fit in or win approval. If you don’t believe me, imagine the sleeping face of your first child, or your sweetheart, or the beloved friend who died last year. Genuine, raw, unselfconscious, uncontrived is flawless … until we come to our “senses” and start rehashing the past or trying to control what happens next.
Test my theory. Stand in front of a mirror—right now, while you’re still thinking about it. On your way to the mirror, remember some of the happiest moments of your life, when you felt unconditionally loved, and you just knew everything was unfolding perfectly. Now, look in the mirror and behold the beauty of you. Next, begin to bemoan those lines in your face, the mortgage, the snide remark somebody made the other day, and what everybody else in the room was thinking, and who’s still talking about it. Watch as the picture in the mirror turns ugly, as you lose the connection with your authentic self and connect with your ego!
If you’re beginning to wonder when you’re scared, or hiding behind a mask, and when you’re being authentic, look for negative emotion—fear, anger, defensiveness. That tension means you’ve disconnected from your true power, and you’re trying to figure out how to get through the challenge in front of you, without dropping your mask.
A more subtle sign of disconnection is cognitive dissonance—conflict between your thoughts, ideas, or attitudes—as in, “I want to lose weight, but I’m going to eat this ice cream.” It’s stressful! And you might try to alleviate the stress with:
• If he would get his act together, I could eat right.
• I’ll buy a treadmill or start going to the gym.
• If somebody really loves me, he’ll see beyond the fat.
Your stress isn’t about a crumbling economy, or relationship, or fitness program; it’s about your belief that you can’t handle what you feel like you must handle. It’s about your self-esteem; and you get more self-esteem by doing what you know to do to the best of your ability. When you need a boost in order to take action, remember that there’s a Godseed within you; you’re growing into God. And God (whoever you perceive him or her to be) is unfazed and unstoppable by the current state of affairs.
Naked is as good as you get. But you can’t see how perfect you are while you’re obsessing to maintain the facade, which, by the way, can be both unattractive and obvious.
Once you get to know the real you, you’ll love you, take care of you, and share all of you enthusiastically. If somebody doesn’t like you, it’ll be okay. You still will! And there will be no need to grit your teeth or grumble under your breath!
See, share, and celebrate the real you!
Jan Denise is a self-esteem and relationships consultant, author of Innately Good and Naked Relationships, and a columnist. She conducts workshops, speaks professionally, and serves on the faculty of Omega Institute. She lives in McIntosh, Florida, and opens her home as a sanctuary and retreat center. www.NakedRelationships.com
Jan Denise is a self-esteem and relationships consultant, author of Innately Good and Naked Relationships, and a columnist. She conducts workshops, speaks professionally, and serves on the faculty of Omega Institute. She lives in McIntosh, Florida, and opens her home as a sanctuary and retreat center. www.NakedRelationships.com