​Mother-Enmeshed Men: Is Pain Stopping A Mother-Enmeshed Man From Seeing His Mother Clearly?

If a man is in a position where his mother is using him to meet her own needs, it doesn’t mean that he will be able to accept this. Therefore, if he started dating a woman and she pointed this out, it wouldn’t have much impact.

He can say that his mother loves him and that he wants to be there for her, or something similar. The outcome of this is that he will continue to focus on her and ignore a number of his own needs.

Confusion

If this is the case, the woman can wonder why he can’t see what is right in front of his eyes. She can see that he is out of balance and that this is having a negative impact on his wellbeing.

For example, when she is around him, he could typically be drained, irritable and emotionally unavailable. Still, she might hope that, over time, he will change his behaviour and become more available.

A Frustrating Experience

Nonetheless, the days and weeks could pass, and he could continue to behave in the same way. She could then come to the conclusion that he is simply in denial and that no matter what she says or does, he won’t change.

At the same time, she could see how much he is suffering and have a strong need to rescue him. As a result of this, she could hang in there and continue to sacrifice her own wellbeing in the process.

Getting Out

After being in this position for many months and perhaps years, she could end up calling it a day. She will see that she is wasting her precious time and energy and needs to get out before she completely loses herself.

If this were to happen, it could be the catalyst that allows him to gradually face reality and be there for himself. So, after his girlfriend has left him, he could end up feeling lower than he did before and be full of regret.

Stepping Back

At this time, he can start to wonder why he behaves in this way and why he can’t see his mother clearly. He can find that a big part of him doesn’t want to accept that his mother is self-absorbed and doesn’t care about his needs.

It is then not that he is consciously choosing to block out reality; there is a part of him that does what it can to stop this from taking place. This is likely to be a way for him to keep it together and function.

A Defence

If he were to see her clearly, he is likely to come into contact with a lot of pain and feel very unstable. To understand why this would take place, it will be necessary to take a look at what took place during his formative years.

This is likely to have been a time when his mother was emotionally unavailable and out of reach. In addition, she is likely to have used him to meet some of her adult and unmet developmental needs.

A Brutal Time

He would then have missed out on the love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way, with him being greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what took place, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs.

In addition to disconnecting from his inner self, what would have also played a part in allowing him to keep it together and function was for him to block out what was going on externally. This would have involved him forming a view of his mother that wasn’t accurate.

Two Parts

Furthermore, seeing his mother as good and himself as bad would have given him the hope – the false hope – that if he struggled – she would love him. But as she was likely to have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, she was probably unable to love him.

It then wouldn’t have mattered how he behaved as the outcome would have been the same. Many years will have passed since this stage of his life, of course, but he will still be doing what he can to prevent this pain from entering his couscous awareness and be trying to be loved by his mother.

Moving Forward

With this in mind, for him to see his mother clearly and be there for himself, he will have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.