Mother Wounds: Can A Man Try To Be Accepted By Women If His Mother Was Emotionally Unavailable?

If a man were to step back and reflect on his life, what he may see is that he spends a lot of time trying to please women. So, over the years he might have been in a number of relationships where he lost himself.

Therefore, thanks to how focused he was on trying to make the women happy, he would have lost touch with his own needs. When each of these relationships came to an end, he was likely to have felt drained.

A Frustrating Existence

But, as he would have neglected himself in each of these situations, this is to be expected. However, although living in this way won’t serve him, it doesn’t mean that he will just be able to change his behaviour.

He can find that he just behaves in this way, with it being as though he has no control over his behaviour. As a result, if he were to meet another woman who he is attracted to and things went further, he could end up in the same position.

One Scenario

Assuming that this was to happen, as he is aware of what is going on, he could experience resistance. A small part of him is then going to want to express himself but a bigger, stronger part of him wont.

Before long, then, he can be in a situation where he is focused on doing what he can to meet a woman’s needs and is largely alienated from his own. At this point, not only can he feel drained, but he can feel used and full of resentment.

Another Part

The woman who he is with could be oblivious to the fact that he is ignoring himself, or she could be aware of what is going on. When it comes to the former, she is not going to encourage him to express his needs.

And, when it comes to the latter, she can encourage him to express his needs. Nonetheless, even if she does do this, he might not open up and express his own needs.

The Other Side

Either way, while he will do his best to meet her needs, she might see him as nothing more than a doormat. He will then be a man but it can be as if he is a puppy who just follows her around.

The outcome of this is that she probably won't appreciate or love him. With this in mind, he will be doing what he can to be valued and loved by her, but his behaviour will have the opposite effect.

Stepping Back

If their relationship were to end, it could be the catalyst that causes him to look deeper into why he behaves in this way. He could soon see that he has had the need to please women from a very young age.

What this may show is that his early years with not very nurturing, with this being a time when he missed out on what he needed to grow and develop in the right way. He might have had a mother who was emotionally unavailable and out of reach.

A Tough Time

Instead of receiving the attunement and care that he needed, he would have been greatly deprived and deeply wounded. Not being seen and heard, rejected, and even left would then have been a normal part of his childhood.

To handle what took place, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have involved him losing touch with his connected and feeling, true self, and creating a disconnected and unfeeling, false self.

Another Element

The other part of this is that he would have lived in the hope - the false hope - that if he did what his mother wanted, she would be there for and love him. But, as she had probably also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded during her formative years, it wouldn’t have mattered what he did as she wouldn’t have been able to love him.

Yet, as futile as this struggle was, it would have also served as a secondary defence. If he hadn’t lived in hope and had faced reality and how he felt, it would have been too much for him to handle.

It’s over

This stage of his life will be over, of course, but a big part of him will see a woman in the same way as he saw his mother; as a being who is in control of his survival. What this illustrates is that this part of him has no sense of time and is blind.

This part won’t realise that this stage of his life is over and that another woman is not his mother. For him to no longer look for the love that he missed out on and be able to freely express himself, he is likely to have beliefs to question, pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the association of a therapist or healer.