Enmeshed Family: What Can Happen If Someone Grew Up In An Enmeshed Family?

Even though someone is a separate being that has their own needs and feelings, based on how they typically behave, it can be as though they are merely an extension of others. They are then going to be focused on other people’s needs.

Due to how caught up they are in other people’s lives, they might not realise that they are focused on them and that they are out of touch with a number of their own needs. Other people’s needs can be seen as their own needs and behaving in this way is likely to be will feel comfortable.

The centre of their life

Now, they could be in a relationship and their partner could be their focus. Then again, even if they are in a relationship, their parent or parents could still be their point of focus.

If their parents are their focus, they are likely to spend a lot of time doing things for them. This can be something that automatically takes place, without them even thinking about if they want to do something for them.

A Tiring Existence

And, if they are not doing things for their parents and their partner, that’s if they are in a relationship, they could be at work. Therefore, they are rarely if ever going to be there for themselves.

Consequently, they are likely to spend a fair amount of time feeling drained and they could often have periods where they are unable to do anything. At this point, they will have worked themselves into the ground and will need time to build themselves back up.

Inner Conflict

Yet, if they do have these moments, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to completely surrender to what is going on. The reason for this is that they could feel incredibly guilty, with them thinking about all the things that they should be doing.

Before long, they could soon be back on their feet, with it only being a matter of time before they end up in the same position. Based on how they live their life, it might not be long until they have a breakdown and are no longer able to live in this way.

A Strange Scenario

Every now and then, they could feel deeply frustrated and fed up with how their life is, but that could be about as far as it will go. As, although they won’t be happy with the way their life is, they might not why they are this way.

What this will illustrate is that not only are they out of touch with themselves, but they are not aware of this. It is then not going to occur to them that the reason they are often worn out and are not happy is that they are out of touch with themselves and are not living a life that is in alignment with who they are.

What’s going on?

Taking into account how they live their life and that they are not aware of what is going on, there is a strong chance that their early years were anything nurturing. This is likely to have been a time when they were brought up by two people that were developmentally stunted and estranged from their true selves.

And, as they looked like adults but were still children, they wouldn’t have been able to see them as a separate being that had their own needs, feelings and life to lead. This is why they would have looked towards them to be there for them and to meet some of their needs.

A Primitive Environment

Still, this is not to say that they were consciously aware of what they were doing or that both parents had the same level of control. In all likelihood, they were oblivious to what they were doing and how destructive their behaviour was and one of them – the one with an inflated false self - would have had most of the control.

This would then have been a family where there were no individuals, just one person who made most of the decisions but was just as underdeveloped as everyone else. Both of their parents are likely to have had a strong fear of being abandoned, with this playing a big part in what brought them together and what gave them the need to stop their child from developing into an individual that felt comfortable with their needs and feelings and had boundaries.

Deeply Deprived

What would have also played a part in what prevented them from being able to go from a dependent to an interdependent human being was the fact that a number of their developmental needs would have seldom been met. They needed their parents to attune to their needs and provide them with the love that they needed.

But, as they were brought up by people that were also children and needed to be parented, they wouldn’t have been able to truly be there for them. Instead, they would have missed out on what they needed and been wounded, which would have anchored them to a very early stage of their development.

Frozen In Time

The years would then have passed and their mental self would have grown but, their level of emotional development won’t have really changed. Their survival will still be attached to their parents and not doing what they want or anyone else wants for that matter, as their parents will be projected into others, will be seen as something that will cause them to be abandoned and for their life to come to an end.

Most likely, they were abandoned throughout their early years and thus, fear something that has already happened. But, as the emotional impact of these experiences has not been processed and integrated, this is seen as something that will happen.

Awareness
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If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.