Mother Wounds: Can A Man Be Drawn To Women Who Are Abusive If He Had An Abusive Mother?

Over the years, a man may have been with a number of women who were anything but loving. When he was with these women, he might have often been verbally put down, emotionally deprived and even physically harmed.

Thanks to this, he might not have a strong desire to be in another relationship. But, based on how he has been treated by the women that he has been with, this is not going to be much of a surprise.

Inner Conflict

However, as his need to be with a woman is not going to disappear, there could be a part of him that will make him embark on another relationship before long. This could be something that takes place after a number of weeks, months or even years have passed.

If he was to end up in another relationship, he might believe that it will be different this time. Yet, before long, he could find that he has ended up with a woman who is no different to the last woman he was with.

The Outcome

This might be a relationship that lasts for a little while, or it could soon end. After it has come to an end, in addition to feeling very low and defeated, he could feel very angry and frustrated.

Therefore, he will have felt bad when he was in the relationship and he won’t feel much better now he is out of it. Still, at least he will no longer spend time with the woman who was undermining him.

One Conclusion

If he was to think about the experiences that he has had with women, he could conclude that this is just what they are like. He is then going to have two options; either he keeps his distance and is not undermined, or he allows himself to get close to a woman and he ends up being undermined.

On the other hand, if he doesn’t conclude that they are all the same; he could believe that he is simply unlucky. This is then going to be an area of his life that is completely out of his control.

It’s not random

But, although he may believe that he has no control over this area of his life, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. Of course, experiencing life in this way is not serving him and he will want his life to change.

What he will need to keep in mind, though, is that along with the conscious part of him, the part that provides him with his sense of self is another part of him. This other part of him is his unconscious mind.

Two Levels

So, as he has continually ended up with women who are not good for him, it is likely to show that this other part of him wants to end up with women who are like this. It will then seem as though he just randomly ends up with a woman who is like this but it will be by design.

What this illustrates is that his unconscious mind is far more powerful than his conscious mind. By not having had this deeper understanding of himself and why he has had the experiences that he has, it is to be expected that he would have felt powerless.

What is going on?

At this stage, he could wonder why this other part of them wants to end up with women who are like this. What this may show is that his mother mistreated him throughout his early years.

If this is the case, instead of having a mother who was loving, kind and caring, she would have been verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. He would have been deprived of the love that he needed and would have been greatly wounded in the process.

A Big Impact

This would have caused him to experience a lot of pain, pain that would have been repressed, and to develop a disempowering view of himself. How his mother treated him would have also largely provided him with his view of what women are like, with the particular becoming the general.

This stage of his life is over but he will still have the need to be loved by his mother. His unmet developmental needs will have been repressed and, from outside of his conscious awareness, they will be causing him to unconsciously re-recreate the early experiences that he had with his mother.
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Transference

Clearly, the women that he has been with won’t have been his mother, but, by unconsciously projecting his mother onto these women, he won’t have realised this. He will then have been pulled to women who were similar to his mother in the hope that he would finally be loved by her.

And, as these women were very similar to his mother, he will have been deprived all over again. But, as this stage of his life is over, it will be too late for him to meet these unmet developmental needs.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.