The Birthplace of Choice

The more self-aware I became...

There was an experience I had in 2010 where my whole life seemed to flash before my eyes. It was like a condensed version of all the things that I had done that were selfish and hurtful. It was so vivid. The interesting part was that during this same period, I was having moments of profound self-awareness, the likes of which I had never experienced. What I came to realize is this- The more self-aware I became, the less self-centered I was.

Direct evidence

Think of the implications of this… The more I made it about me, the less of me I could actually see. This to me, is direct evidence of the interconnectedness of it all. A universal consciousness… The spirit among us. I’ve grown to a ‘place’ now where I realize, given this new understanding, that the more I do to help others, and be a part of this force, the more grounded I am.

An inside out job

Becoming a counselor, I have even been through a few experiences where I would lose myself a little in helping others, because I was justifying me being ok by being helpful. “See, I’m good. I’m helping! That is not how it works. I finally came to a place where I fully understand it’s an inside out job… The answer is already in us! Nothing in this world can give me the peace I truly seek.

The answer is already in us!

The world can be a trap. The illusion. Some people call it sins of the flesh. Some call it suffering because of desire. Want for things, feelings, validation from external sources. I had gotten to a point where I began asking myself, “Why is it so important for me to feel something other than what I naturally am supposed to feel?” A mentor of mine really helped me come to understand something very enlightening. I, being so self-centered, everything was about feelings. I needed to feel something, like a head change or high, or sex, or whatever. And because I was so caught up in always searching for feelings, and knowing deep down inside that this was not the ‘right way,’ I was in turn, always looking for excuses or something to blame. “They made me feel this way!” “They don’t understand how I feel!” Always looking for how something made me feel so I could use it as an excuse, a rationale, to use or drink, to obtain the feeling I really wanted!

A proper sense...

Now I understand that when I was this way, I never had a proper SENSE of what really WAS… I see it a lot. I know it. Confusing, or blurring the lines between feelings and senses. Operating on feelings hinders one’s ability to have a sense of what each moment actually is. Also, to have a proper sense of how to respond, moment to moment.

The duality

Being present! Wow! I wasn’t able to do that for damn near thirty-five years! Needless to say, I’m inspired. I will go more into detail in future posts on this subject. This stuff I can talk about all day. I do sometimes! I hope you join me! I’m going to leave you with one of my favorite ideals that pretty much sums this post up… The part of me that will fall away is the part that has the fear. The body and 'worldly mind’. The self-preservation. The part of me that will live on, the spirit, force, energy, whatever you want to call it, doesn’t care. Think of it like this- Scientifically speaking, it's proven that energy doesn't dissipate. It is transferred. The amount of force behind a ball being thrown against a wall will be equal to the sum of the rebound, plus the energy/friction the wall absorbed. So the force that drives me has no fear of loss! Ahhh... The human condition. The duality… They are both a part of me. I know now that the more mindful I am of the differences between these about myself, and within myself, the more present and responsible I am. Awareness of the space between feelings and senses IS the birthplace of CHOICE.