The intense anger that you feel after discovering that your partner has had a sexual or emotional affair is a natural and appropriate emotional response to the injustice, betrayal, and pain that you are reeling from.
Now, while the anger may feel like it is the primary emotion in your mind’s foreground, it actually is not. The mind uses anger to hide or gloss over the intense pain, fear, and trauma that you are feeling.
Unquestionably, you are going to feel confused and vulnerable, not knowing whether to incessantly scream and yell at your partner or withhold all the anger and hide it from them.
In this article, we are going to take you through some steps that you can use to help cope with the anger that you feel.
There is nothing wrong with being angry and there is nothing to be ashamed of. When you have experienced a massive betrayal like infidelity, anger is the appropriate response to have. Rather than shying away from the anger and judging yourself for it, observe it and admit that it is there.
Understand why you are angry as that will reveal the primary reason as to why you are expressing yourself in anger. You could be hurt because they promised to never cheat, or you could be feeling fear because you will now be alone in the world. Remember that the why behind the anger is the true cause of the anger itself.
While it may be extremely tempting to burst into a rage-induced anger fit, this response often causes counter-productive actions to occur. It may cause your affair partner to pull away, respond with anger, or find difficulty in expressing empathy towards you.
It is natural to feel the desire to punish the individual who has hurt you, but in doing so, you will not feel better and you will end up with more problems. Try to restrain yourself from lashing out with your immediate response and see if you can get the anger to subside a bit before engaging with your partner.
You may choose to be passive in your anger, aggressive in it, manipulative with it, or assertive with it. The healthiest way of expressing your anger is in assertiveness because this method uses honesty, clear communication, and respects all parties involved. Understand the focus of the anger by figuring out if you are feeling definitive anger or distorted anger.
With definitive anger, you have been truly wronged. With distorted anger, you perceive that there has been an injustice because your sense of right has been violated despite there being no actual wrongdoing.
It can be very easy to fall into the “want” of needing to hurt the other individual. However, if you do this, you will have lowered yourself to a level without dignity and will most likely feel horrible about acting out.
Instead, you want to analyze and find a constructive action that you can take with a response that will be good for the other person and will attempt to improve your future situation.
Anger can help motivate you to take constructive steps forward to prevent future mistreatment.
a. Set up strong boundaries to encourage the partner to correct their behavior.
b. Seek out emotional support and therapy.
c. Ask the affair partner to proactively improve the relationship by cutting all contact, attend counseling sessions, and read self-improvement books.
d. Ask for ongoing openness, transparency, and honesty.
If the affair partner cannot reach a place of remorse and shows no willingness to proactively improve the relationship based on the boundaries you need to set to move forward, be willing to remove yourself from the relationship.
The important take-away is that the anger provides you with an open door to a healing process, which means eventually, you will need to let the anger go and release it in order to move forward.
C Mellie Smith specializes in providing her readers with tools and resources to help them overcome the pain and uncertainty when one partner cheats. Don't let an affair end the most important relationship you have ever had. Get the help you need by to feel secure again. Visit: InfidelityHealing.com