How To Stop Bickering With Your Spouse: Is It Normal For Couples To Bicker A Lot

How To Stop Bickering With Your Spouse: Is It Normal For Couples To Bicker A Lot

Many arguments in a marriage stem from a simple lack of communication coupled with unreasonable expectations. Both partners may practice mind-reading where they assume they know exactly what the other one is thinking, and they leap into the fray with accusations and unkind comments that are not even based on reality. If you have gotten into the bad habit of squabbling and bickering all the time with your spouse, take a look at what is really going on.

For example, when you're secretly wishing for support because you're having a bad day or you'd like a compliment, be sure it's a person who is actually capable of giving you the kind of feedback you want. Don't try to turn your spouse into your best buddy or best girl friend and expect them to notice everything new that you wear or want to offer a shoulder for every little issue disturbing you. That puts a burden on the marriage and can quickly drain your spouse's patience with you and their desire to be around you.

Have you ever noticed that some people just aren't able to make supportive, caring comments when you need a kind word?

Not everyone has that "nurturing" ability. And when you continually look to the non-nurturing type to provide you with support, both of you will end up miserable. The other person will sense that you're disappointed, even if you don't say anything. They may feel inadequate that they didn't give you what you seemed to want, or annoyed at you for expecting them to be like some mythical super-spouse out of a romance novel.

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This situation is very common in codependent relationships, where needs are often unspoken, out of fear you'll be rejected or that the other person will get angry. The partners end up playing a "Guess what I need?" type of game, in which no one comes out and directly says what they are thinking, or what they would like.

It's frustrating for everyone, but the pattern goes on and on, often for years and the couple continues to argue and complain that they are not getting the love and intimacy they desire in the marriage. Meanwhile, the person who wanted a supportive comment will turn to another family member or a friend and gripe about how unloving their partner is. And yet is that really fair?

If you want something from your partner, state it clearly and without game-playing. Say it nicely. It doesn't have to be a curt demand. If you've just told your partner all about what a bad day you had and instead of responding, he or she simply flips on the television, you have the choice of seething inside at the apparent rejection and feeling hurt and upset, or of starting yet another battle, or of speaking up.

Keep your voice calm -- there's no need to create a big drama out of this -- and say something like, "Hey honey, I had a rough day and I could really use a hug and a 'poor baby' comment or two. Can you help me out here?"

In many cases, it will turn out that the other was not listening to all you said, and assumed you were just chatting and that no response was required. Of course, it can also be part of the pattern that they ignore you a lot and tune you out, as a way of withholding their affection. That's a power play common to emotionally abusive relationships.

When you take the time to "retrain" the other person by asking politely for what you want, you might be surprised that they will actually give it to you.

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I spent many hours of my life searching for ways to "fix" my husband and my marriage. I blamed him for everything wrong in our lives: he worked the second shift and because of that I had to raise our two small boys on my own like a single parent, he talked to another woman late at night on the phone in the living room instead of coming to bed with me, he was in the Marine Corps and was extremely strict with our children, and I could go on and on and on. I was miserable and I knew that if I could just FIX him, it would save our marriage.

Does this sound like you? If you could just FIX your partner, things would be better?

It can get better, but you must start by taking responsibility for your own life by looking to see how you co-created your marriage. To do this, separate out fact from fiction.

Fiction: I had to raise two small boys all on my own like a single parent.

Fact: My husband worked the second shift.

Fiction: My husband didn't love me.

Fact: My husband talked to a woman on the phone late at night.

Fiction: My husband doesn't care about his boys. He doesn't know how to love them like he should.

Fact: My husband came from a divorced family and didn't get a lot of hugs.

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By looking only at the fiction, I felt I was justified in being angry at my husband. I was the victim of my poor me "story". My story kept me miserable and hating my husband, it was all his fault!

So let's look at how I was co-creating my "misery".

* I chose not to talk to my husband about feeling bad that he was working on the second shift. I just let it fester inside.

* I was always telling my husband how wrong he was. I rarely had a good thing to say to him. I usually yelled at him when he came home. He turned to someone else to talk to, I got angry and yelled, told him he was wrong and the vicious cycle continued.

* I kept silent when my husband was strict with the boys.

* I blamed him and did nothing to change what I was doing.

How are you not taking responsibility for your marriage? Where are you letting FICTION run your life? As soon as you can recognize the FACTS, you can empower yourself and heal your marriage.

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So, you see that your marriage is in crisis, and you want to prevent a divorce from happening. I completely understand what you are feeling right now, because I have been in your shoes. But I have good news for you: I have saved my marriage from the brink of divorce, and I can show you how to do so. I am sure you tried everything you could think of, and still it is hopeless - but I can promise you that you haven't yet tried the things that will really make you stop your divorce and save your marriage. So, what are they?

Get rid of your desperation. It is a very dangerous state of mind, because when you are desperate you want to be "doing things" all the time to save your marriage. "I must to something to prevent a divorce!" is what goes through your mind all the time when you are desperate. And this makes you try to talk to your spouse all the time to talk them out of it. But unfortunately, this is a very damaging thing to do for your marriage, since all it manages to do is to make your spouse even more fed up with you because of the constant pressure.

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Be calm. Be considerate. Being calm will reward you some very precious alone time to really think about the problems in your marriage and ways on how to save your marriage. It will also make sure that you do not press on your spouse - and this will reward them with "alone" time to really think things through.

I call this state the marriage saving state of mind, because stripping out of my desperation and getting into this state was what prevented my divorce from happening.

I know that this is easier said than done, but it is exactly how I stopped my divorce and saved my marriage from what looked like a totally desperate situation. Like you, I needed help doing this. I found help from an outside source - and now I am your "outside source", and want to show you what I exactly did to save my marriage and how I did it.

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

Click here to save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected, satisfying relationship.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

~Groucho Marx~

This week I started work on a new book. Based on my last column and this week's title, you might not be surprised to learn it will be about marriage. As usual, I started with research on the subject. I began with E.J. Graff's book, "What is Marriage For?" A reasonable question I thought. I should have known from the vast number of references I found that this was not a simple topic. I thought about its meaning and purpose throughout the many years I worked as a psychologist doing marriage counseling. I returned to this topic in the last few years with the brouhaha about gay marriage.

We tend to take for granted that we know what marriage means and what it is for. I daresay that most of us assume marriage has always been the way it is now. Conservatives define marriage as the basis for a family consisting of one man, one woman and hopefully children. Stepping back in history, we learn that this has not always been so.In prehistoric times, there is no evidence that there was any such thing as a nuclear family. People lived for many thousands of years without benefit of any formal union. Patriarchs in the bible often had a number of wives, not to mention concubines. In early Roman times and throughout much of the history of Western Civilization, marriage was mostly an institution for the control of wealth, property, sexual expression, wives and children. There appears to have been no term for a nuclear family until about the eighteenth century. European and American States have developed their own rules and laws regulating many aspects of marriage, chiefly focusing on its financial implications.

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Each religion has its own set of rules and laws, regulating who can marry and under what circumstances, defining the rights and responsibilities of spouses. They also spell out dire consequences for those not following the rules. Although spouses these days include words indicating that they will stay together for life, half of all marriages still end in divorce.We think of marriage as being an affirmation of love between spouses. I was surprised to learn that affection between people has only been seen as a paramount consideration over the past couple hundred years. Many civilizations and even religions in the past and some up to today condone plural marriage and, in some cases, no marriage at all.

Marriage is hard to pin down as it was throughout history into the present. Although governments and religions have tried to pin down what marriage means and what it is for, in reality marriage is a relationship between people who dedicate themselves to helping each other become the best person they can be. As people and civilization evolve, so does marriage.

Life Lab Lessons

* What did you learn about marriage as you grew up?

* What kind of marriage did your parents have if they had one?

* If you are married, what does this mean for you and your spouse?

* If you are in a relationship, what does this mean for both of you?

* Do you have the right to decide what is proper for others in their relationships?

Now Listen Carefully-

Take 2 minutes to visit the next page and you'll discover a stunning trick which will make your spouse love you for the rest of their lives even if they are this close to walking out the door. Yes, you can indeed save your marriage no matter how hopeless the situation seems. Take the right step now and live to enjoy a blissful marriage. I strongly urge you to visit the next page- Click Here