Fighting Over Money With Spouse: How To Resolve Financial Conflicts In Marriage

Fighting Over Money With Spouse: How To Resolve Financial Conflicts In Marriage

When finances get tight, marriages get tough.

Financial strain and uncertainty amplifies existing problems (and sometimes exposes problems that were hiding just under the surface). Conventional wisdom believes that money problems is the number one cause of divorce, while research indicates that it is a contributor, not the primary cause. However, research isn't very comforting when you find your relationship failing, feel out of control, and fear that you can't weather a financial storm.

In short, the way a couple handles financial difficulty tends to represent the way they handle other problems in their marriage, but in a clearer way that can be quite revealing about each spouse as well as their relationship with each other.

I don't have space here to explain the ins and outs of marital conflict, but I do have specific suggestions for you to keep your relationship strong during these interesting economic times. If you're in marital crisis, my organization regularly helps couples deal with conflict in ways that bring them closer rather than driving them apart, and we watch seemingly hopeless relationships transform into wonderful relationships and happy marriages. So there is hope and you need to remember that during difficult times.

Now on to the tips for dealing with this potentially difficult financial time:

If you're worried about money - possibly even fighting about it - these seven tips can help you draw closer rather than drifting farther apart.

1. Take a class. If you haven't yet been through Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, enroll as quickly as you can. The practical and doable things that Dave teaches are powerful and have helped millions get out of debt and live financially free. If you are part of a church or organization that works with people, insist that they offer this class throughout the year.

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2. Team up. Don't shield your spouse or your children from the truth about crises your family faces. Two things happen when you do. First, you take on too much burden for yourself which will not make your more of a man, woman, adult, problem-solver, or whatever it is that you feel you should be. Take on too much and you don't function well. Second, when family members know about difficulties, especially money difficulties, they all pull together to tighten the belt and make better decisions. If you have children, this is very good experience for them to know how to handle crisis later in their lives. Nick Stinnet, PhD, has led the most comprehensive research on what makes families strong. One of the six characteristics of a strong family is handling stress and crisis together.

3. Tackle things one at a time. An interesting study on procrastination indicates that it primarily comes from not being able to see yourself completing the task well, or not being sure what to do next. When there are problems that need to be solved and things that need to be done, procrastination causes things to get even worse. Our grandparents would say, "Get off that sofa and get to work!" In our day we can do too many things that we convince ourselves are important but are really distractions - email, a little time relaxing in front of the TV, texting, Podcasts, Twitter, you name it.

Remove the distractions, check your email no more than five minutes every two hours, turn off the cell phone (or at least don't answer unless you see it really is important.)

With the contribution of your spouse or family, make a plan that prioritizes all that needs to be done, make doable steps, and then complete those steps on time. When you find yourself closer to achieving your goal, you'll actually enjoy what you're doing and enjoy the success in sight.

Get a mental picture of where you wish to be, what you wish to achieve, and meditate on it every day for a few minutes. Worry is holding mental pictures of what we don't want to happen. Hope and faith are holding mental pictures of what we want to happen.

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4. Tame your emotions. When you move into a physiological state often referred to as "fight or flight," your body and mind prepare for war. When you're agitated in this way, your body floods with adrenaline and blood flow actually modifies to prepare for possible wounds: You are in a state of survival, not logic and reason. Your mind focuses on signs of danger so that you can react rapidly. No conversation, argument, or task is going to go well as long as you are in this state.

Self discipline will not bring you back to a calm state. You will be much wiser to leave the environment of the conflict, and go for a walk or run or at least to no longer participate in the conflict. According to the work of Gottman and the University of Washington Love Lab, it will take at least two hours for your body and mind to be calm enough to continue to deal with the problem.

5. Take a walk. Deal with stress and anxiety when you are not in direct conflict or overcome by anxiety. One of the best ways is to exercise daily (yeah, I know, who has time for that when you're already in stress, but it gives you much greater ability to deal with any crisis.) Here's a way to do it that not only will help you deal with stress but can bring you and your spouse (even your children) closer together. Do something together that requires exercise. Walk together and talk about the day. Play softball in the back yard. It doesn't make much difference what it is as long as all can participate and have fun in the process.

6. Try supplements Studies indicate that fish oil taken regularly helps with mood and emotions. (I prefer the Nature's Bounty Double Strength Odorless Omega-3/Omega-6 Fish Oil because it is loaded with the two things that make fish oil so effective, EPA and DHA. If your fish oil doesn't have strong quantities of those, consider another brand.)

Many physicians are becoming aware that a considerable number of people are low in Vitamin D, which plays a role in emotional stability as well as other vital health areas. Have your Vitamin D level checked by your doctor before buying it over the counter. (Too much Vitamin D is NOT good....) NEVER take any over-the-counter supplement, vitamin, herb, etc. without asking your doctor or regular pharmacist if it is contraindicated by anything else you are taking - especially prescriptions - or any condition you have. If someone tries to get you to take something without checking with your medical professional by saying something such as, "Hey, it's all natural," remember what my doctor once told me, "So is arsenic."

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7. Touch the hand of God. This seventh tip may not mean much to you if you don't have a relationship with God, but it you do, it is the most powerful of all.

"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." (Philippians 4:5-9)

These are the points in that passage:

" No matter what else happens, if one is in relationship with God, He is near.
" When you pray: Do it with supplication - that's prayer on steroids. Do it with thanksgiving - you may not know why but He always has something in mind that will be a blessing. Thank Him for it in advance.
" Think on things that are true, noble, right, and the like.
" Put into practice what needs to be done.

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Let me start by congratulating you for coming this far. Since you are reading this article, I will take a leap of faith and assume your marriage has hit a bit of trouble or needs revitalising and you are searching for self help marriage solutions. You have taken the first steps to improving your marriage and regaining the happy, exciting love you once shared.

Its not easy admitting your marriage has problems. When we get a cold or flu, we will generally try and take care of ourselves. We will not immediately jump in the car and visit the doctor. Why? Because going to the doctor takes time and money and generally, we can handle a cold ourselves. We do not need a doctors help.

The same can be applied to your marriage problems. You do not need to rush off to expensive counselors or therapists every time your marriage has a problem. You have the skills and power to sort out your problems with a little self help marriage guidance, in the form of a self help book.

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Self help marriage books are just like any other self help books on the market. They help you to help yourself. The best marriage books will show you how to identify the problems your marriage is facing and provide you with step by step instructions of the best way for dealing with your particular problem. They will provide you with the skills to make your relationship better.

When your marriage hits a problem, you now have a real alternative choice to solving your problems. Traditionally, you could bury your head in the sand and hope the problem went away. You can pay for expensive marriage therapists, or worse, a divorce. Or you can take control of the situation with the skills you will learn from a self help marriage book that will show you how to fight the pain and bring back the love you onceshared.

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In some marriages, a dark cloud hangs over the home, going by many different names: bills unpaid, appointments missed, chores ignored or unfinished, kids not picked up, calls not made-maybe poor job performance to boot.

Many of these things happen as a normal occurrence from time to time, and the marriage does not always suffer. Given the daily logistics and shared responsibilities of most marriages-often combined with both partners working full-time jobs these days-those endless domestic tasks can test any person's follow-through skills. And a busy period can sometimes stress one partner more than the other. Normally, however, mutual understanding and caring can forgive the occasional screw-up. That's why the words read "for better or worse."

But what happens when one partner is continually guilty of many or all of these problems, and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel? When a partner has every intention of following through, but it never seems to happen? When the other partner's emotional suffering has become intolerable?

If the behavior is chronic, the problem partner could be suffering from undiagnosed ADD. A disorder of the young, most people think. But a growing body of research says that for many-estimates range up to 4 or 5 percent of the population-it lingers through life, even when the hyperactivity (ADHD) component diminishes. If ADD is a factor, and one partner is not holding up his or her end, the stress can undermine the marriage.

Is it treatable? The good news is that ADD is one of the most treatable disorders. It can benefit significantly from a mix of evaluation, counseling, and, in some cases, drugs. If you have reached a point where you need help to keep your marriage afloat, consider contacting our Orange County relationship counseling center, which offers expertise and referrals in the following areas:

- ADD is not a character flaw. Studies have shown that people with ADD have lower activity in parts of the brain that control attention, sustained focus, and follow-through. Couples counseling and individual therapy-for one or both-can help partners get over the blame game. And the blame is not just in one direction. ADD sufferers can blame the partner for not being patient enough. As with most couples counseling, shared responsibility, not mutual blame, is crucial to a good outcome. Information, understanding, and reshaping of attitudes are key ingredients in this phase of treatment.

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- The ADD partner can sometimes seem like a dependent child, unable to meet adult obligations. To compensate and survive, the non-ADD partner then either takes over tasks or becomes a taskmaster. This type of relationship does not promote consistent intimacy and can foster resentment and disconnection. Testing and the correct counseling strategy can help the ADD partner meet responsibilities, recover strengths, realize potential, and once again become an equal partner. Individual cognitive and behavioral therapy can address self-esteem issues. Relaxation techniques and stress reduction practices can reduce anxiety. Coaching can make a significant difference in following through in the home or improving job performance. I can't overemphasize this part enough: equal strength in a relationship is one of a marriage's best cornerstones.

- Depression and anxiety are often associated with ADHD, and can happen to either or both partners. The ADD partner feels anxious when confronted with too many tasks and can become depressed when failure becomes constant. The non-ADHD partner can take on too much of a home's responsibilities, and feel stuck in the relationship with no options, which can also lead to depression. Depression counseling can separate the ADD component from these emotional responses and bring clarity into the emotional life of both partners. It can then treat the emotional symptoms more effectively over time.

- ADD's positives are often overlooked. Understanding them can lead to significant improvements in the ADD partner's life and in the marriage. Understand first that focus problems and intelligence are not correlated. ADD sufferers are often intelligent and creative. And they can be highly selective in their focus, able to do great amounts of high-quality work when their interest is high-and perform poorly when interest is low. Problems tend to crop up when they can't find or settle on an absorbing passion in life, whether in their career or avocation. The feeling of being out of place or unfulfilled or of not fitting into a conventional lifestyle can result in anxiety, depression, constant irritation, and failed relationships. Even an avocation, such as off-hours music or sports, can focus the ADD partner's life. The passion becomes an outlet for their mind and talents and can provide the consistent motivation needed to keep their day job and marriage running acceptably well.

- Since ADHD is a neurological disorder, drugs can help in certain cases. I am cautious in this area, and it's my experience that the counselor and partners should work together to determine if this is the right treatment for your case.

Orange County couples and marriage counseling approaches range from talking therapy for the ADD partner to couples counseling to family education to cognitive-behavioral approaches that prepare the ADD partner for more effective task management and follow-through.

Think about it. You've been perplexed, irritated, depressed, and distant from your partner-and vice versa. With counseling, you can clarify the issues and reconnect with your partner. The benefits of that process are huge!

Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.

Click here to save your marriage and rebuild it into a more connected, satisfying relationship.