It’s time to stop struggling with kids about tantrums.
All you need to do is to follow a few simple steps. The tantrum only comes when someone is not getting their needs met. They’re frustrated. They’re suffering. They don’t know what else to do.
It can help to understand what is at the root of a tantrum. A tantrum is a cry for help, a desperate cry for help. Some kids may develop this habit when they want something and are unable to communicate their need, usually because their parents have developed the habit of not paying attention.
A child who continues to tantrum has decided that this is the best way to get their needs met, or at least to get attention. They have learned that asking doesn’t work. Whining doesn’t help. Pulling on a parent’s clothes to get attention and whining, doesn’t work either. Yelling, screaming, falling on the floor and kicking their feet (or some version of that) does, at least, get attention. It may also get them what they want (think of temperamental divas).
They try this after trying all the preliminaries: asking, whining, whining and pulling …eventually, being intelligent, they go straight to what works >>> the tantrum.
If you want to put an end to tantrums, kids need to believe that you are doing your best to understand what they want. So you need to do this….
This is going to take effort and attention on your part, but it is going to be so worth it! Imagine…no tantrums in the market…no tantrums whenever things don’t go their way.
Think of all the time and energy you spend dealing with tantrums, time and energy that you’ll be able to use in different ways, pleasing ways…satisfying ways.
To create the turn-around, plan to pay very close attention to your child. This is only because you have to turn around a habit. It’s said it won’t take very long to change a bad habit into a good one, yours and theirs, two weeks, three weeks, 30 days…it depends on who you are listening to. In any case, it won’t take very long, and then tantrums are a thing of the past.
So pay attention to your child. If possible, anticipate their needs, their requests, especially for the youngest children. Help them get into the habit of asking, of telling you their needs, and you get into the habit of being immediately responsive.
I’m not saying agree with their requests, that’s another issue, but respond to them immediately. Don’t make them wait so long that they decide that what they are doing is not working. Then because they are still suffering, they go into tantrum mode.
After all, what is really more important than your child? You don’t have to stop what you’re doing or thinking, or saying, just pause and turn to your child, go down to their level or pick them up, “Just a minute, sweetie. I’ll help you as soon as I’m done.”
Then get to a stopping point quickly, at least during the time you and your child are creating new habits. After the new habits are firmly installed, your child can develop the patience to wait for longer and longer times because they know that you’re not just ignoring them and they know that their needs are going to be addressed soon.
This simple approach will go a long way toward fixing the bad habit of tantrum, especially for a young child.
Step One: Pay more attention to your child in general, so that you notice when they are first trying to get your attention.
Step Two: Respond quickly when they ask you something. This gets them into the habit of asking. Ask them to wait, if necessary. You can also tell them how you like them to ask, if it matters to you.
Step Three: Get to a stopping point quickly, so you can find out what they need, especially when you are both changing your habits. “So, what do you need?”
The final step might take a little longer, but is very important and applies to every interaction with your child. It is addressing their needs in a way that works for everyone involved. It’s not about doing what the child wants, or not doing what the child wants. It’s about finding something that is truly satisfying for everyone involved.
To get help with this final step and to get step-by-step help to eliminate other problems between you and your kids, to get more help to raise happy kids, take advantage of the Win-Win-Win offer at www.happykidsco.com
May these articles on harmony bring the feeling of being loved and valued to your great kids… and to you.
“The Miracle Worker...of Education and Parenting”: This name was given to me many years ago because I have mastered Positive Respect, and my results with kids can seem miraculous.
After completing my B.A. in Anthropology, I went to India and ended up enrolling in the Indian Montessori Training Course, where I was trained and certified in the Montessori Method by Mr. A.M. Joosten, who had lived and studied in Dr. Maria Montessori’s household from the age of 14. He asked me to stay on the year after the Training as an Assistant to the Course.
In 1973 my husband and I returned to the United States and founded a Montessori school called Children’s House. We decided to incorporate and Beginnings Incorporated, a nonprofit community service organization, was formed. Then I got State of California funding for Children’s House.
I had three children and remained as head teacher at Children’s House for 15 years. When I was invited to start Community Educational Centers in India, I realized that I needed to share what I had learned about being respectful to kids with my community.
In 1992 I wrote what turned into my first book: Friendly Families. The fourth version, an ebook, Good Parents Good Kids came out in 2016.
Here’s what some people have had to say about this book:
“An easy-to-understand book that gives a bundle of ideas and communication skills for building families that function peacefully and foster the kind of kids every parent wants.”
Dr. Thomas Gordon, Author, P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training
“My children are so nice now!” A mother of four, approached me at the Summer Arts Fair. She wanted to thank me for writing Parenting for the New Millennium. She had purchased it the year before, at the previous Summer Arts Fair. Then she implemented what she had learned in this book. She and her children were delighted with the results.
Besides writing, I give workshops, classes, spoke on the radio and wrote for a local magazine and newspaper. I created a website, www.happykidsco.com , which includes a member site with all my writings, audios, videos, and trainings.