Relationships: Can Shame Stop Someone From Reaching Out To Others?

What can’t be denied is that no one is their own island; human beings need each other. This is why it has been said that although some people say that they are independent, this is nothing more than an illusion.
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Therefore, while it might be hard for them to accept it, it doesn’t change the fact that they are interdependent. When someone can accept this, and doesn’t believe that there is anything wrong with needing others, their life is going to be a lot easier than it would be otherwise.

A Small Part

While their five senses can create the impression what they are separate from others, they will realise that they are part of a system. So, in the same way that it will take thousands of components for a car to work, there will be many different elements that allow them to live their own life.

And, if these elements started to disappear, it would be only too clear how reliant they are on other things. Through accepting that they are interdependent and that they need others, there will be no reason for them to try to do everything by themselves.

Lightening the Load

Now, there will be times when one has a lot going on and simply wants to open up to another person. During these times, it won’t be necessary for another person to give them advice or to tell them what to do.

This will then be an example of the saying, ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’. This saying perfectly encapsulates how vital it is for someone to extend themselves to other people.

Two Sides

Along with one reaching out to others when they are not at their best, there will be what happens when they have other needs to fulfil. This can be what takes place when they have the need to experience intimacy.

Once again, they won’t feel as though there is anything wrong with them having this need. As a result of what is taking place for them, they might end up looking for someone to start a relationship with.

Close Connections

At the same time, one could have a number of people in their life that they can hug and share their thoughts and feelings with. Being in an intimate relationship is then not going to be the only way for them to connect at a deeper level to another person.

If they want to spend time by themselves and to recharge or reflect, for instance, they will be able to. Yet, if they want to spend time around others and to recharge that way, they will be able to do so.

The Ideal

When someone experiences life in this way, they are going to be less likely to suffer in silence. No matter what takes place in their life, they won’t have the need to keep it to themselves or to make out that everything is fine, even if it isn’t.

In other words, one won’t need to go against their own nature by trying to do everything by themselves and, thereby, to deny the fact that they need others. However, while living in this way will allow them to live in alignment with their own nature, there are going to be plenty of people who don’t live in this way.

A Radically Different Life

When someone goes against their own nature and doesn’t feel comfortable reaching out to others, they are likely to be carrying a lot of weight on their shoulders. There is going to be a lot of mental and emotional baggage for them to handle by themselves.

This doesn’t mean that they will never reach out for others; what it means is that this will be the exception as opposed to the norm. Their needs are unlikely to be seen as normal; they will most likely be seen as something shameful.

One Big Challenge

Thus, regardless of whether they are not in a good way or if they want to experience intimacy, they might rarely do anything about it. Due to being this way, they could spend a lot of their life feeling overwhelmed and as though they are running on empty – that is, of course, unless they spend a lot of time being emotionally shut down.

What they may or may not realise, is that they are living in the wrong way. Perhaps one has lived in this way for as long as they can remember, causing them to believe that this is just how life is.

The lesser of two evils

In addition to feeling as though there is something wrong with their needs, they could also feel this way about themselves. Consequently, reaching out to others is not going to be something that is seen as pleasurable, it will be seen as something that is painful.

Reaching out to others, or even thinking about doing so, can be something that causes them to experience a lot of shame. Not reaching out to others is then going to cause them to experience pain on the one hand, but on the other, it will stop them from being overwhelmed by shame.

A Closer Look

If someone experience life in this way, what it can show is that their caregivers were not very responsive to their needs. Their early years would then have been a time when their caregivers didn’t have the tendency to respond in a positive manner to their needs.

When they expressed a need, they may have generally been ignored, rejected and/or put down. This would have gradually caused them to give up and to disconnect from their needs, and to not only believe that their needs were bad, but that they themselves were bad.

Awareness

The time in their life that should have allowed them to form a strong connection to their fellow human beings was then a time that caused them to disconnect from them, with them having an experience of being ostracised by the very people who were supposed to embrace them. This important connection wouldn’t have developed, setting them up to suffer.

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, it will be (surprise, surprise), essential for them to reach out for external support. Through the assistance of a therapist or a healer, for instance, they will gradually be able to heal their wounds and to accept, at a deeper level, that there is nothing wrong with them or their needs.