The relationship you have with yourself is one of the most important relationships you will ever have during your lifetime. And even though we spend 100% of our time with ourselves, this relationship tends to be difficult...challenging.
Our society places a lot of value on external relationships; judging others for whether they are "in relationship with someone else" or not; someone else other than yourself or God.
(Gosh imagine a society where the focus was on your relationship with God as the primary goal and intention in life? To cultivate that to the nines and value your life in terms of how that relationship was going...how good your communication was...how much sacred intimate time you spend together and how that does or doesn't meet your needs? But I digress...)
Okay though - let's bring that last side bar above to the present relationship with YOU; between you and you.
What is your primary goal for your relationship with yourself?
What IS your intention for your relationship with yourself? Are you communicating well? Are you spending sacred intimate time with yourself and if so, how is that going? Are you being kind, respectful, loving?
I just had the first (almost) free weekend in about a year (no joke). Circumstances, snow storms, canceled clients, etc - and I ended up with almost no plans on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Free time is something I have been craving (along with the space to continue writing my book) and it was interesting to see what showed up instead.
Instead of pure, spa-like relaxation, I found some anxiety, antsy-ness. I found myself going through motions of old patterns that started when I was quite young. I watched my mind - which went to town about things I was concerned with or unhappy about.
After some time it was really amusing! But that's because I've cultivated enough space between my thoughts and the ability to witness myself that I was able to SEE what was going on...
I was able to stop the thoughts, consciously choose what I wanted to do and laugh at myself.
I recently learned some new language that I'll share with you. In this example of what happened over my weekend, I moved between 3 different "minds." The first one is called "Emotional Mind" -- and this is like a speeding train. It's when the mind distorts things and your emotions run wild. This is not when your feelings are high because of something truly happening. This is the mind doing what the mind does...taking you on a journey.
The second "mind" is called "Reasonable Mind." This is how it sounds. This was me when I became aware that I was in "Emotional Mind" and stopped myself (got off the moving train).
The third "mind" is called "Wise Mind" and this is the feeling and experience you have when you're in the flow. When you are tuned in, aware of your intuition, following your inner guidance. This is the "mind" I am in when I am teaching, leading, writing, working with clients, with my children...
The Lesson here is to notice. Bring mindfulness to your thoughts and actions and notice what you are doing. I moved myself out of "Emotional Mind" by pausing and asking myself to stop and in essence come back to "Reasonable Mind."
It's not always easy to bring awareness to places there typically hasn't been, but it's helpful to bring tools in to use and practice. In this case, you can ask yourself, "What mind am I in right now?" That question will give you some distance and then the ability to make a choice.
So although this article today is about being alone and what comes up for you...it's very much about how to develop an excellent, loving, respectful relationship with YOU. Getting to know yourself better and using healthy tools to soothe yourself, or to make conscious healthy decisions for yourself, are vital.
Anyway, later I was able to enjoy being alone with myself. I meditated, did yoga, went for a fabulous walk in the woods, wrote more of my book and ended the whole weekend by taking my daughter to dinner and watching the Academy Awards with her.
How do you feel when you are alone and how have you been relating with yourself lately?
Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC is a psychotherapist, certified sex coach sex educator, and creator of Come Back To Love, Inc®. Robyn marries traditional psychological principles with spiritual tantric philosophy and practice. She teaches couples and individuals how to master the skills of intimacy and come back to love. Those that are struggling in relationship, feeling lost around love, and deeply craving purposeful and passionate connection gain much insight and healing in their work with Robyn. Learn more at https://comebacktolove.com.