Does it feel like everything is up to you to make the relationship work?
Does everything seem one-sided right now?
Do you feel you are the only one taking care of the important stuff?
If yes that’s totally natural
Relationships are like a seesaw
The more one person does something, the less the other one will do.
The more one person wants or worries about something the less the other one will want it or worry about it.
The more one person takes care of something the less the other will be bothered.
You may have started the relationship sharing responsibilities and then all of a sudden one does all the finances or organising or cooking and the other watches. I see this all the time with the couples I work with all over the world no matter their cultural, religious or financial background.
Here are some common examples of what typically happens:
The more one person cooks meals, the less the other even thinks about preparing food. The more one is responsible for the children’s homework or activities the less the other one will be involved. The more one person organises social, weekend and holiday activities the other will do less. The more one expresses feelings and is emotional the more the other partner will express themselves less.
The more a person controls and is responsible for the finances, the less the other one will get involved in finances.
The more one wants to save money the more the other will want to spend.
The same goes for sex, more a person wants sex the less the other will.
This is because we relax when we feel the other person is more concerned than we are about it or are taking care of it than we are.
So more than likely a key reason you feel like you are doing more in your marriage is because of this seesaw effect.
Right now you have the job and they don’t. We tend to counter-balance each other, this is just human nature and often happens without consciously thinking about it.
Have you ever had a conversation in your relationships where you started having very similar perspectives you have different shades of grey on a topic and then after a while one of you on a subject becomes black and the other white? What you used to be more aligned on has shifted, I see this often in parenting and with the way money is spent or saved. This is because our opinions and positions on things in the relationship, shift like a seesaw.
When it comes to sexual desire both in the couple often start on an equal footing. Then one person becomes preoccupied, tired, stressed, busy or has a bodily ache of some kind. When this happens the other partner will then double up their efforts to make sure that their sex life is active. Then when they are met with rejection their sex life will become the center of their attention. The more the high desire person focuses on sex the less the low desire person wants it.
It’s just the same when I see men and women trying too hard to save a marriage, They ask me “when to stop trying to save my marriage, Nicola?” I say to them if it’s not working to stop what they are doing an try something new, stop trying to convince your wife or husband to stay and take action to become attractive and shift your internal energy.
What is really interesting is that the positions in relationships can often shift. This is how the seesaw effect works. Household tasks is another area I see couples get stressed over. If someone is really uptight about how the house looks, how neat, clean and tidy it is, the other one deliberately cares less, even if before they used to make more of an effort. As I mentioned it’s similar to when I help men and women to save their marriage, I say to them to “stop trying to convince your husband or wife to stay. Stop trying so hard to save your marriage.” Then things often can counter balance.
Household tasks is another area I see couples get stressed over. If someone is really uptight about how the house looks, how neat, clean and tidy it is, the other one can often care less, even if before they used to make more of an effort. So if you are the one putting all of the effort into one area of your life and it is driving you crazy.
STOP
Don’t take the lead anymore
You need to step back to give them a turn
When I suggest this most of the people I work with say
“Nicola, I can’t do that, what if it gets worse?”
Or “Nicola how can I give up trying the very thing I want most?”
Then I say to them lovingly: “the fact is what you are trying is not working. How long have you been trying this to get what you want?”
It may not be not easy and every individual or couple I work with is different, so just something to think about trying something different. Think about being just as relaxed as them about something or leaving it up to them, when you do a shift will happen.
Why is it important to do this?
The truth is you can try this approach of taking a step back or not, that is not the real point here. The main thing to avoid is carrying resentment. When you carry resentment with you, you can feel drained, bitter, fed-up. It can affect physical, mental and emotional health. Resentment in a relationship kills passion, closeness, happiness and love. So it’s important to not feel angry that you are the one doing everything and getting annoyed by it. No one wants to live without love and happiness
I believe that anything is worth trying if it enables you to let go of resentment. Resentment feels horrible, looks horrible and only we can let it go. I have another 5 ways to let go of resentment that if you want to learn more about you can visit my podcast show or you can join my relationship secret master-class to really know how to strengthen your relationship and sky-rocket your happiness. Here is the link https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup and don’t worry if you cannot make the time and date, if you sign up I will be sending you a link to the replay and letting you know when the next one will be. As I really don’t want you to miss out on what I’m going to be sharing with you on how to have a more loving relationship and future.
From my heart to yours, Nicola
P.S Here is the link https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup in case you want to share it and watch it together with your partner or a friend. https://training.nicolabeer.com/webinar-signup
PP.S I know how hard it can be to let go of resentment, even after small things that happen in my relationship, I decide in my head “my partner doesn’t care about me.” Thankfully I now catch myself – forgive and free myself. If the past has a hold on your happiness, get in touch and we can look at ways to free you. Either that or do join the webinar.
PP.S If you are trying hard to save your marriage and your efforts aren’t working. Stop trying that approach: “stop trying to convince your husband or wife to stay. Stop trying so hard to save your marriage the way you are and focus on you.” Then things often can counter balance.
Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.
As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready to attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce
Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.
Nicola's passion for supporting people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.
Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.