The build up to ‘The Big Day’ is generally dominated by the female of the species and her chosen band of merry women – bridesmaids, mother, mother-in-law to be, sisters, aunts – basically any woman with a relationship or blood connection to the bride.
Don’t be fooled. Weddings, their organisation and execution, and I am speaking ‘traditional’, are almost the sole domain of women.
For men, it is a case of ‘await instructions’, carry them out to the letter yet be prepared for a bollocking when ‘they’ decide you have been less than pro-active with your involvement and you have sat back and let ‘them’ do it all.
Those offers you made of “What can I do?” that were met with “I’ll let you know?” are quickly forgotten and a man’s skills in mental telepathy must be honed to a razor-like edge because the wedding organizing committee chairperson, the bride-to-be, will think of things you should be doing, not tell you and convene a Court Martial when you did not do the thing or things she thought you should.
The lead up to a wedding can be such a joyous time.
However, what plays constantly on the mind of many men is, “What will our first night as man and wife be like?”
In today’s society, a good proportion of men and women cohabitate then decide to get married as a natural progression.
The mystery and anticipation of the wedding night is pretty much removed as each partner already knows each other intimately – unless you are James Packer and Maria Carey.
Apparently, she was saving herself for the wedding night, whilst maintaining a ‘dental floss’ clothing code on James’ yacht. Ten months and a ten million dollar engagement ring later, it was all too much for James to bear, so he blew a gasket and the magical night of nights never happened.
So, let’s assume you have met the woman of your dreams, and she has accepted your proposal to be joined in holy matrimony for a life of blissful happiness.
Let’s also assume that you have both taken a vow of no intimacy before you get married. The wedding night is when the union will be consummated and unbridled passion will explode with wave after wave of sexual energy and exploration, bringing euphoric pleasure that neither of you have ever experienced before.
In theory, it sounds so exciting. For a male this could be the focus of his thoughts during the entire engagement. The expectation of the first night, finally alone with the woman you not only love, but also desire, could cloud your thought patterns on other important life matters – like the preparation and planning of the wedding.
What She's Thinking
She’s thinking about the dress, the flowers, the church, the seating arrangements, the music, the food, the weather, the bridesmaids…and he’s thinking about, well, the big event after the big event.
Occasionally as a lure to keep the groom’s mind on the job; organizing the suits, wedding cars, rings…the bride may throw out a “can you imagine what our first night together, alone, will be like?” This acts as a motivation tool to keep him on task - the donkey with the carrot and the stick scenario.
Whilst the anticipation of sexual nirvana on the wedding night can take a large chunk of a groom’s focus, the reality of actually being married – having to care for and share everything with another person – is also likely to weigh on your mind.
Granted, if the lead up to the first night is full of anticipation around an explosion of passion, it could be equally as full of nervous excitement in regards to the responsibilities about to befall the groom.
Once the legally recognized officiator gets you to say those binding words “I do”, you, Mr. Groom, are officially locked and loaded – married.
However, on this day and night of your wedding, you can do no wrong.
Not that you would go out of your way to be anything but happy, loving and welcoming of your new wife, and gracious to the guests and relatives who have gathered to share your joyous occasion.
For your bride this is the culmination of months, and some cases, years of careful planning right down to the color of the bridesmaids toe-nail polish.
Her euphoria blots out anything else that may occur nearby or around her.
You, as the chosen mate, simply have to be there. Dressed, primped and preened into a state of masculine presentation that may never be repeated. The star of the show is, and always is, your bride.
Her visions of you waiting at the alter, the tears and gushing compliments from the emotion charged female (and some male) guests, the attentive bridesmaids, the perfect ceremony and reception venues…are all that she has imagined for whole time leading up to the wedding.
Yes, she loves you. Yes, she is proud to now call you her husband, but ultimately, this day is hers. And with this explosion of love, adoration and commitment – remember, you can do no wrong.
What You Need to Do (and Not Do)
This being the case, there are still certain things you must do, and not do, to ensure your first night of marriage is the fairy-tale beginning you wished for from the moment you got engaged.
Here is a quick guide:
DO be on time to start the ceremony and follow the instructions of any officially appointed female participant (especially mothers/in law).
DON’T get seriously drunk and gravitate almost exclusively with your equally hammered football or golfing mates. If this is your FIRST night – you need to be able to perform.
DON’T enter into any conversations about the physical attributes of a certain bridesmaid – it is guaranteed someone will hear you and leak it to the Commander in Chief, your bride.
DO focus on your bride and ensure your speech contains no less than 80% content about her.
DO hang on her every word and request during the reception. This IS her night, she is sharing it with you.
DON’T expect fireworks, blasting trumpets, singing violins or floating cherubs when that moment arrives that you enter the room where you will spend your first night together as husband and wife – especially if it is THE first night together.
Shared intimacy can be an instant hit, or it may have to be worked at. Be patient, be understanding. You are likely to be as nervous as each other.
A huge commitment and adventure has just begun. You have a whole lifetime together to get it right.
Thanks for reading
Hi i’m Randy Johnson, and I am a relationship coach who focuses solely on men’s marriage troubles. I am not a psychologist, counselor or lawyer, which gives me a lot of freedom in what I say and I don't sound like most marriage counselors.
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