I hear people say all the time…
I love my husband/wife but I’m not “In Love” with him/her.
I’m just not sure if I love them anymore.
I love them but he/she said I don’t love you anymore, is my love enough?
These kinds of statements can be extremely confusing not to mention painful and disheartening.
So I wanted to share a few truths I have come to know about love after helping hundreds of individuals and couples get through various crises points and difficult times to have a more loving, happy and rewarding marriage.
Marriage Advice – 3 truths about love
1. LOVE is an ACTION, not a feeling you get from another person.
Love is an experience you receive as a result of doing loving acts for someone you care about. Not what you get.
You “make love” in the marriage, you build it through acts that show love. The trick is to give the love and take the action your spouse needs and wants. The problem is we often go about satisfying our partner’s needs with what matters to us. When we do that, we neglect the opportunity to create a deeper connection and more happiness. Therefore it’s not rocket science or tricky to fall back “in love”. It’s about looking after your partners deepest needs and in doing so showing them how much you care. I talk about Men’s and Women’s 6 top needs in episode #4 of the Nicola Beer Show with co-host Eddie Skerritt on affairs check it out here https://youtu.be/MfJlU2FBsN4 and be sure to subscribe to the show so you don’t miss any.
2. LOVE is not something you Find it’s something you CREATE
The majority of us falsely assume from love stories in tabloids and movies that all you need to do is find that special someone and that’s it you will live happy ever after. We all know that’s not true, yet on some level we often expect it.
When people say to me in couple therapy they don’t feel love or they are not “in love” I ask them what actions they have taken to demonstrate their love for their spouse and often they can’t answer. The reason people often don’t feel “in love” is because they’re not doing anything… they are waiting for love to come and motivate them first and… only then they will act. So they hit a stalemate, get caught in a trap… Where they stay stuck in a love deprived relationship for days, months or years. Waiting for something to change, yet no one is willing to give. At the end, they blame the break-down of the marriage on communication, lack of sex, family or financial differences, yet in reality without any loving acts… how can a couple stay connected? The real problem is the marriage is starved of loving selfless gestures.
If you think about it, there is absolutely nothing in life that is worth having that does not require an effort to both achieve and then maintain. Things in life either grow or they die, it’s the law of nature. Relationships are no different they need to be nurtured, paid attention to, cared for and tended to.
If you want to feel more love or fall back “in love” you need to make acts of love part of your daily routine. The more you do, the better, and the more your lover is likely to reciprocate. What do you want to experience more of right now in your relationship, more excitement, affection, attention, appreciation, fun, support, care, security? It’s all possible to create.
3. Unconditional Love is extremely rare, don’t expect it
If someone ignores, hurts or annoys you, it’s unrealistic for them to expect you to always love them. Similarly, if you act out towards your spouse, again and again, they are likely to change the way they think, act and feel towards you. So don’t expect unconditional love to be there. Don’t take your spouse for granted. Make an effort to make them smile, show empathy and kindness.
Love is a deeply personal and individual thing, it can mean something entirely different to than it does to me. Here is my perspective on Love.
Love in a relationship of misery and clearly is not helping the situation! So if you only have love with turmoil and pain, maybe it is not enough!
On the other hand, a great relationship but a concern that love isn’t what it used to be, may be no reason to be concerned at all. As love can be built.
Other emotions we experience throughout our week can cause us to lose sight of the love we have. If we are feeling angry, stressed, annoyed or upset about work, finances, family or our health, it’s going to affect the happiness and love we feel for someone. So you need to make sure that you don’t over analyse in difficult times.
Hope this helps in some way. I’d love to hear your thoughts about love or read favourite quotes… email them to me or post them below
From my heart to yours, Nicola
Marriage Transformation Specialist & Founder of Save My Marriage Program – an alternative to marriage counselling in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and further afield online.
P.S . If you have fallen out of love, it’s easier than you think to fall back “in love” Don’t get caught in the trap of waiting to feel love before you act. ACT now… do something loving, speak to a marriage specialist for support or get free literature for guidance. You can download my 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage here for free
“7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage” FREE REPORT http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/
Where I will show you how to increase love, happiness and passion and stop the things that destroy love. “http://www.savemymarriageprogram.com/7-secrets/
Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.
As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready to attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce
Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.
Nicola's passion for supporting people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.
Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.