Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, it’s perfectly healthy to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged by someone you love, but when it becomes consistent or explosive anger or spirals out of control, it can have serious consequences for your marriage, your health, and your state of mind.
If you are the hot tempered one in your relationship, you may feel like it’s out of your hands, it’s your nature and there’s little you can do about it. But you have more control over your anger than you think. Once you learn WHY you or your spouse keep it, you can then look at different ways to address it. This is what I will share with you today, so you can save your marriage and prevent divorce.
Why Anger Exists and Persists in Marriage -Marriage Counselling
1, TO PUNISH AND MAKE THINGS FAIR
People keep anger to punish someone, either with their bad attitude or anger led actions, and in doing so they get to feel like life is fairer. The angry mindset is “If they did something bad to me, it is unfair if they don’t get to be punished” But if you punish someone with your anger or your bad attitude you are just creating more punishment for yourself, as it doesn’t feel good to act un-lovingly or be spiteful. Guilt often follows angry outbursts and guilt is a horrible feeling.
Ask yourself now:
Is it my role to create punishment for my spouse?
Will creating punishment for my spouse help me or the relationship?
Will me getting angry and exploding or giving the silent treatment make things fair?
Is it my job to make things fair in the marriage?
2, TO TEACH THEM LESSON, SO THEY DON'T DO IT AGAIN
The second reason many people carry anger is they want to teach their spouse a lesson, so they don’t do it again. A form of retaliation to the behavior they did in an effort to prevent the same thing happening. The problem with this approach is that it doesn't work.
If you look at your own life, let’s say you do something you're not proud of or happy about and you get angry at yourself and guilt yourself about it, you may feel terrible inside but nothing changes does it?
Let’s say you eat too much fried or sugary food, over spend, drink too much at a party or do something else you don’t like. Getting angry at yourself doesn’t help you, it makes you feel worse, which in turn can lead you to indulge in more unhealthy behaviors. If you truly want to change you need positive motivators for lasting results, not guilt or anger and find a replacement for habits and dealing with anger. That’s how you change behavior. The same applies to your marriage. Getting angry is not going to help them change and it is certainly not going to help your marriage.
If you are kind and compassionate towards your spouse you have a far greater chance of influencing them than being angry and they are less likely to turn it around on you. Next time someone hurts you show them compassion and explain the impact on you and your feelings, you will be far more effective in changing behavior.
3, GET WHAT THEY WANT
Another reason we get angry in relationships is because of the FALSE belief that if we get angry we will get what we want. The mindset is “if I get angry, they will do what I want them to” or “if I scare them they will back down” This is using anger as a form of manipulation, to get something which does not help save your marriage, it causes hostility, heartache and pain.
We tend to learn this from our role models growing up, parents, teachers and other elders we look up to, often have at some point got angry at us so we behaved and did what they wanted us to do. This is a disaster for marriage, true power doesn’t come from bullying, it comes from positive influencing otherwise all you will succeed in getting is a lack of respect and potentially love.
It is far more beneficial to be kind and compassionate to get what you want, as that creates a greater willingness to listen and accommodate.
4 TO AVOID BLAME, FAULT AND DEFLECT
Another way damaging way angry silence or outbursts can be used in marriage is to deflect away from the issue being raised. In my marriage counseling sessions this comes up a lot, where one person raises a complaint about something they would like changed and instead of being listened too, their partner turns it around on them and blames them, either for the way they said it or makes the attacking accusations back. Anger to avoid, deflect or blame will not save a marriage, it will crush it as no one will ever get to be heard. It can help to sit down and agree with your spouse the difference between what is retaliation and what is standing up for yourself, the latter should never hurt the person and retaliation does.
You may be wondering how can this help me with my marriage, well if you both learn to Recognize the root of your anger, show Remorse and make attempts to Repair the damage your be well on your way to save your marriage, recognizing where it comes from and why is the first key step to change. The next steps are looking at ways to cool down, spotting and changing the triggers and tips to stop it in the moment, which I will cover later.
I won't lie it does take effort and practice, just like starting a new physical training routine, however many find after just 2-3 online marriage counseling sessions they can transform old habits quickly.
From my heart to yours Nicola
Nicola Beer
Marriage Transformation Specialist and Founder of Save My Marriage Program
I specialize in a proven 10 step program to help couples increase the love, passion and happiness in their marriage in 30 days or less…Guaranteed!
P.S Unsure if Your Marriage Can Be Saved? Get the FREE Quiz - Can My Marriage Be Saved? To find out, it addresses 30 marriage problems and looks at whether it's possible to save your marriage and what actions to take if you can. Take the QUIZ now www.savemymarriageprogram.com/quiz
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Nicola Beer is an International Relationship & Divorce Coach who helps her clients find peace and create a new beginning after Marriage Breakdown and Divorce. This includes helping couples on the verge of a breakup to resolve their relationship issues once and for all, so that they can revive the love, passion, respect, and fun that's been missing.
As well as helping clients during and after Divorce to manage stress, create more income and adjust to new financial realities, redefine who they are, create a new social life, and when they are ready attract someone great. Nicola also runs 2 parenting programs that support children through and after divorce
Nicola has combined 11 years' experience helping people with emotional issues. This comprises 7 years private coaching and 4 years as a volunteer for the Samaritans where she supported callers dealing with any emotional distress. She is UK certified in Coaching, Grief Recovery for Adults and Children, NLP, Time Line Therapy, Hypnosis.
Nicola's passion to support people before, during and after divorce comes from her own childhood, where due to the stress of divorce her mother suffered a mental breakdown. As 1 of 5 children the divorce was devastating for her family and affected each of her family in different ways. More recently Nicola's older sister with 4 children is going through a difficult divorce. Having experienced and seen the pain and stress associated with divorce Nicola is focused on proving solutions. She knows divorce doesn't have to mean disaster and takes her clients and their children from surviving to thriving. She is equally passionate about saving marriages, so has a program to overcome relationship problems.
Nicola works with expats and locals, Muslims and Non-Muslims from all over the world, mainly from Dubai, London, India, Saudi Arabia, Singapore, either in person for a 2 day intensive package or further afield US, Australia via video conference and phone.