Have you noticed that when you are really close to what you want or to the next level in your life, things seem to go wrong? You are close to having your car paid off and you total it, you are about to win a sports competition and you get injured, you are about to take the trip of a life time and you get sick, you decide you purchase a new home and have other unexpected expenses, you are about to get a promotion but loose your nanny and want to stay home with the baby, you finally decide to scale down on the hours at the office and your assistant quits, your business is about to make it big and your partner pulls out, your body starts trimming and looking fit and you stop going to the gym and eating healthy, you get the drift.
The reason for this is that we scare ourselves off from getting what we want, moving forward with our life, achieving our dreams. We are afraid of the unknown. We know what to do and how to be in a mediocre life. We don’t know what to do and how to be in an amazing life. We believe we don’t deserve or we are not good enough for more. We believe we can’t do better. We can’t fathom a better life, never mind how to get there. So whenever we are close to a breakthrough we unconsciously sabotage it. We induce disasters, we shoot ourselves on the foot, we invite drama and chaos, anything to distract us from getting to our intended destination.
We do the same in our relationship. Have you noticed that whenever you are getting along great, have been on the same page and feeling close, or are ready for the next level of commitment, that you have a major fight or experience a set back? It is too scary for our unconscious mind to be intimate, satisfied and happy. It is afraid that this too shall pass like it did when we were children. It sabotages attempts at closeness and satisfaction to protect itself from additional pain and disappointment. It creates conflict, space and disconnect. Even though these states hurt, they are what we know and hence easier to endure.
Remember, our unconscious mind is time, place and people stupid. It doesn’t know you are in 2008, that your partner is your partner, and you are in your adult home. It believes your partner is your less-than-perfect-caretaker(s), back when you were young, in the home you grew up in. Imagine operating from that state and trying to create the life and relationship you want!
What a conundrum this is. We work hard at having a great life and relationship, but are operating at a less than resourceful state and do anything possible to undermine ourselves. Talk about spinning our wheels!
We can stop this ridiculous cycle and actually start creating and enjoying the life and relationship we want:
1) Soothe your unconscious mind by tending to its fear and reassuring it. Feel and name the feelings, put them in perspective, understand what triggered them and why. What do they remind you of growing up? Identify what the broken record in your head is saying and where it comes from. Soothe your self with understanding, acknowledgement and acceptance.
2) Meet your global needs by making sure you get the antidote to your hurts from childhood. Translate the feelings and story you identified above into emotional needs and diligently go about having them met. By believing in yourself, doing for yourself, pampering, nurturing, and cherishing yourself. Ask for what you need from your partner and set them up to be able to give it to you. Once you do get what you asked for receive it, accept it, take it in!
3) Grow yourself up by becoming whole again. Become mindful of situations, events, and interactions that trigger you and your usual responses to them. Stretch yourself by activating a different more resourceful part of you to use to cope and respond. Try using more parts of you more frequently and consistently. Stretch yourself further by gifting your partner with what is usually difficult for you to give them. Integrate these into a grown up you.
Bestow your life, your relationship and your self with the care and attention of a grown up you. Don’t sabotage, support yourself instead. Watch your life and relationship flourish! Live the life you want to live!!
Happy Bestowing!!
http://www.metrorelationship.com/SuccessfulCouples/2014/06/stop-sabotaging/
Emma K. Viglucci is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, is the creator of the MetroRelationship" philosophy and a variety of Successful Couples" programs and products that assist couples succeed at their relationship and life. To get your downloadable relationship enrichment insights and receive her weekly successful couples articles, nurturing nuggets (sm) and other resources visit: www.metrorelationship.com.