Yvonne Clark MA

Yvonne Clark Quick Facts

Main Areas: Children and Adolescent Grief Support
Career Focus: Author, Speaker, Grief Support Facilitator and Entrepreneur
Affiliation: NCCA and Chi Sigma Iota

Love loss and grief through the eyes of children are a part of my life experience. My sons were 14 and 18 years old when their father was murdered. Ryan our oldest was a freshman in college and Justin was a freshman in high school. Our sons were facing challenging developlemental transition, but wonderful educational, academic milestones.

 

My husband and I were high school sweethearts, dated through college and had been married for twenty years when he was killed as a result of random violence. Charles was working when four young men, actually teenagers; ages 14-19 decided to rob him. One of the teens approached Charles while he was in the car and shot him.  The bullet fractured my husband’s collar bone, broke three bones in his rib cage, pierced his heart and exited his body. After my husband was killed he was robbed.

 

One bullet killed my husband and shattered my family. My younger son were extremely angry, withdrawn, struggling in school and making self-destructive decisions. I saw that he needed help and I felt helpless. I found limited grief support through school counselors, literature or religious ministries available for kids that addressed adolescent grief.

 

My sons were not the only kids that had experienced a loss. We were not the only family experiencing the emotional pain and distress of grief. I was a middle school teacher at the time of my husband’s death, but I went back to college and got my Master’s degree in counseling and a certification in Christian Counseling. I was and still am today 14 years later since my husband’s death on a mission: my focus is to help grieving child through programs and services provided by It’s Okay to Cry. I am devoted to helping parents, help their kids through one of the most challenging and traumatic life experiences a child or adolescent must endure.

 

I have a spirit of gratitude for the purpose and work God has given me to do. Today children in our society are referred to as the forgotten mourners. However, they are bombarded with loss and separation: death of a loved one, a special person or friend, or their pet. The absence of a parent or caregiver because of military duty, incarceration, foster care and grandparents parenting.

I believe as a parent, educator, and spiritual being, that there are three teaching agencies: home, school, and church.  When our children are experiencing “pain” from the loss of a loved one, there should be a guided healing process in place either in the school system, a religious environment and/or on the home front. Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”

 

With proper and acceptable coping skills, strategies, and techniques, It’s Okay to Cry promote emotional recovery as we acknowledge a child or adolescents grief. Telling a grieving child not to be sad or don’t be anger is indirectly saying suppress your feelings. Anger, tears, and sadness are normal emotions and are a natural part of grief. I wanted Justin as well as the kids I work with today to understand and accept it’s okay to cry; tears are not a sign of weakness nor lack of faith it is one of the emotions attached to love.

 

In 1999, I organized and named It’s Okay to Cry for my younger son Justin. I needed him to know that as a family anchored in the word of God and covered by the blood of Jesus we would be okay. We would cry; “weeping endurance for a moment, but joy comes in the morning”; because joy and pain can live in the same heart.          My Justin seemed to have been consumed with anger and pain and pain and anger.  Seven years after my husband’s murder, Justin was also murdered. As I have reflected back over the stormy years Justin experienced after his dad’s death, I realized Justin died an emotional death with his dad; the physical end can in 2001.

 I continue to provide a much-needed service to any child regard of the parents or caregivers socioeconomic status. In addition to children and adolescents group and/or individual grief support activities, I have spoken at numerous conferences and workshops, state and federal correctional facilities, schools, churches and civic organizations.  I also answer questions about death and grief with Aurora Casket Company as “Ask the Expert”. Since September 2005 I have worked with kids that are victims of Hurricane Katrina. All of the work I have done has been without any financial compensation.  My organization It’s Okay to Cry Grief Support Center, Inc. is a non-profit 501 (c) (3) which is supported primarily by my income as a high school counselor and adjunct professor at Houston Community Jr. College. If a child is old enough to love…they are old enough to grieve  

How do we talk to kids about grief? Our kids today are bombarded with loss and separation. The death of parent, sibling, or friend, separation from a parent in the military, grandparent parenting, foster care and/or incarceration. Telling a child about the death or separation of a loved one is the beginning rather than the end of a long process of sharing. Children will have many questions and parents, caregivers, teachers and religious leader will be able to readily answer some of them; some of their questions will be discussed but not answered.

 

The most frequently asked questions about kids and grief are, should children attend a funeral? A funeral is a celebration of the life of the deceased, definitely – if a child wants to go to the funeral they should be allow to attend equipped with an age appropriate, detailed explanation of the order of the funeral service. Help the child understand what a funeral or memory service is and the purpose of it.

Step one tell the child what to expect, the size of the room, the fact that there may be a lot of flowers, how and where everyone will be sitting, the possibility of out pouring of emotions, where the casket will be and if it will be open or closed.  

Whether they’re preschoolers or teenagers, timid or self-possessed, the young person should be carefully instructed on what they will be seeing. Adults have the role of providing emotional support, but the child should make the decision whether to go to the funeral or not. With the understanding that it’s ok if they change their mind and decides not to attend the funeral or need to leave the church before the service is over.

 Tears and sadness is neither a sign of weakness nor lack of faith; it is the price one pays for love. Should a seventeen-year male show emotion by crying? Tears are a normal expression of sadness.  It is a natural part of grief, and tears help relieve stress. All children grieve on different cognitive and emotional developmental levels. The duration and intensity of grief are unique for each individual. A child younger than four can sense that something is wrong as they experience the grief of their parent or primary caregiver. The absence of the mother may cause a clear biological reaction. The seven or eight year old grief may indicate fears of their own death; death is seen as an “attacker” who takes life.  

What can adults do to help grieving children and adolescents? That is a good question; a better question is what do grieving children and adolescents need from adults? Give the child or adolescent plenty of time to mourn. It is fine to say nothing at all.  Providing a warm silence encourages the child to do the talking. Support the young person to express their feelings of anger, confusion and sadness. If a child were to say I’m hungry, we would not say don’t be hungry. Instead we would ask them when was the last time they ate? What do they want to eat? We would acknowledge their hungry while working through the process to decide if they need a snack or meal.  Allow the child to talk out the various emotions they may be feeling. Show that we believe it is alright to feel anger, sorrow, loneliness, and fear and that we will be glad to listen to and talk about each concern as it arises.  Validate what the child is feeling. Healthy resolution of grief is validating a child’s feelings and helping establish acceptable and proper coping skills, strategies and techniques.

   If it is an adult that is grieving also, they should share their own feelings.  Communal sorrow reduces isolation. Help the child understand that that physical death, in itself does not hurt. The family is crying because they hurt inside.  The sadness comes from the fact, that a relationship that meant much to everyone has been lost. Parents, caregivers can help children and adolescents establish appropriate expressions and outlets for grief.  The pain of grief lessens over time, but it’s impossible to eradicate it. Grief resolution is not about forgetting, letting go or moving on; rather it is about learning to remember their loved one in a new way. If a child is old enough to love… they are old enough to grieve. 

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