Every day, I see articles either on the Internet or in magazines that have headlines like:

• Why He/She’s Not Into You!
• How to Avoid the Wrong Guy/Girl!
• How to Make Him/Her Happy!
• How to find the One

We’ve all seen these articles and may have even tried to use their information. Perhaps we even experienced some success, but couldn’t figure out why our relationships still didn’t work. We tried everything the experts said to do and yet, we did not get the results we were seeking.

Why is that?

The reason these articles don’t work is that their foundational premise is incorrect...that for us to feel something, we need to change someone else...or that by making behavioral changes, that controls what we attract.

This is denial of who we really are as spiritual beings. If we ever want to be empowered in our lives, we first have to accept who and what we really are. We have to accept that we are creating our lives and that most of our lives we have been doing so unconsciously.

As Abraham-Hicks notes so many times in their series of books, we are “vibrational beings” and since the Law of Attraction says that “like attracts like” unless we change our vibration, we will continue to attract the same types of people and situations into our lives again and again.

To create something different though, we must realize that the Law of Attraction isn’t simply a tool that we use to create something we want. It is a Universal Law that is responding to both our conscious and unconscious emotional vibrations. Since psychologists have proven we are unconscious to about 80-95% of our beliefs, we must understand that the repressed emotional energies attached to our beliefs are attracting the same experiences into our lives again and again. . So if we have a belief of “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve what I want” buried in our sub-conscious and anchored in place by hurt and pain, it is countering our conscious intent to create a loving relationship. Even if we manage to attract a relationship, we sabotage it in some way because the little voice in the back of our mind starts looking for evidence to support the belief we already have. When our mind finds the least little bit of evidence to support why the relationship won’t work, it starts to focus on that and then that automatically triggers a second Universal Law that says, “whatever we focus on grows stronger.”
That creates a cycle of wanting to stay in the relationship, but now being unable to ignore all of the evidence our minds have collected and all of the feelings that are attached to it.
What we don’t realize is that the feelings we think we are just now finding...the feelings of hurt, disappointment, betrayal, abandonment...whatever we “think” we’re discovering in our relationships...were already there.

We have to understand that our relationships are a reflection of what we carry inside of us. Our relationships can be our heaven on earth...or they can certainly feel like hell as well. When we wake up to who and what we are, we start to use our relationships consciously for spiritual growth. We understand that the other person is simply mirroring back to us what we most need to heal. We understand that the other person is “God in drag” just like we are and so “God” is simply showing us what we still need to heal.

The question I get most often is, “How do I know if it’s me that needs to change? Won’t it be the other person sometimes?”

This is a question that the ego mind asks because it desperately wants the other person to change so that we feel safe, valued, loved and accepted. But if WE feel hurt, angry, sad or embarrassed, then we have something to heal. The other person in the relationship is our mirror and when we heal, they mirror something different back to us. The other person may also be feeling hurt, angry or fearful, so both parties can work together to help each other heal. This is far different though from demanding a change in behavior. Emotional healing creates permanent behavioral change, whereas a change in behavior only will guarantee that the situation will present itself again in another form.
We have to acknowledge and validate our feelings, find out where they come from and release them. When we let go of what is not serving us, we realize that our perceptions color the way we view our relationships and that things are not what they seem. We view our relationships through the filter of our pain and once that pain is released, our relationships appear more loving to us.
Relationships serve a purpose in our lives to learn and grow as a spiritual being. Once we learn to use our relationships for this purpose, we start to feel safe. We find that when we heal something within us, our relationships with others change effortlessly.
Because we now feel safe, our hearts open and we discover the love that we have been seeking is already within us. And because we now know how to effect real change in our lives, we are empowered to create what we truly desire.

© Jeffrey L. Scholl 2010. All rights reserved.

Author's Bio: 

Jeff Scholl is a Certified Spiritual Life Coach through Holistic Learning Centers and a Board Certified Holistic Health Practitioner through the American Association of Drugless Practitioners. He recently published his first book, “Learning to Flow” available at: http://www.learningtoflow-book1.com/

For more information on Jeff and his Spiritual Life Coaching practice, visit www.learningtoflow.com