Why? It’s a question I have been asked many times both personally and indirectly through my web page. So which why am I being asked here? There are so many whys in my past; it’s quite difficult to pin each one down. This scenario I am sure mirrors the lives of so many people, still unable to answer that particular question for themselves. Let’s now return to the start of this piece and deal with the said question “would it not be easier to deal with the cause and not the aftermath”? That’s one hell of a question and a little like opening a can of worms. That said I will try to answer as honestly as I possibly can. For me there were so many whys. Why was I abused as a child? Why did that horrendous situation follow me in to adulthood? Why was my mother taken from me so cruelly, because of the incompetence of the medical staff involved? Why was I in an accident that would see me ill health retired, and in constant pain daily? I’m sure you can see where I am going here, if I were to think about it further, that reply would increase tenfold. Everyone has a choice as to how they deal with the destruction that blighted their lives. Do we keep returning to those painful places, while dissecting every last episode? Which proportion of blame do we allot to each episode? Has the right amount of blame been fairly disrupted? Do we run around chasing our tails in an effort to partition everything in the right boxes? I can only answer these questions as I myself see them, fully aware that each and every one of us needs to find our own way to move forward. That’s the key – move forward. Personally I see no point in the post-mortem. If we are ever to heal the most important thing that springs to mind, is that we need to deal in the here and now. Is it not about finding peace within our self’s in this moment and time? Do we keep dragging it all behind us by the scuff of the neck unable to put it down? Ultimately we can’t keep raking over our past, if we every stand a cat in hells chance to heal. In essence why waste your future because of the destruction suffered within your past? The sad fact is that life won’t wait for you, it will continue on if you’re along for the ride or not…………

Author's Bio: 

Teresa Joyce was born in 1958 the middle child of three. After losing her father at a very young age; it was to set the pattern for the rest of her life. Losing was something that she would have to get used to. Today she still has some memory of her father, but in truth it’s all a little hazy. Her mother through no fault of her own after that loss had no other alternative, then to return to her parent’s home with her children in tow. This family unit were to spend only a few years there, until the wind of change came around once more. Teresa still holds many happy memories from her time there as a child. Happy memories are something that Teresa holds in very short supply, and she has treasured them always. Her mother was set to meet the man that was to become her stepfather, and they moved on once more to a new city with the promise of a new life. Hopefully it would be a happy one for all concerned, but it became a place for Teresa that felt far more like a prison. One in which she would spend many days months and years hating. Teresa swore to herself that she would leave all this behind her at the first possible occasion. She can still clearly remember the day that she left that family home and joined the Royal Air Force. It was just two months off her sixteenth birthday. Her stepfather had informed her that to remain living in his house, she had to live by his rules. This was a big decision for her to take being so young, but she could no longer live by any rules that he imposed. Never really understanding at that time, what she was really running from. Memories of those years living by his rules were buried so deep, that previous years and events were only a burr to her. Teresa’s Time spent while in the Royal Air Force was very rewarding, and she involved herself in all and everything possible. After meeting her ex -husband whilst she was on leave, she then left this all behind her and married. It was greatly missed and in retrospect, it would be something that she would live to regret many years later. Life as a married woman changed many things for her; the biggest of all would be the arrival of her son. Teresa loved him even before he was born, and he is still able to pull on her heart strings daily.
Sadly after many years, she found herself unable to stay within that marriage. The onset of a set of circumstances beyond her control would stamp its seal, rendering the marriage unworkable. Engineered by the involvement of the one man Teresa had learnt to hate - her stepfather. The marriage was dissolved and there was no going back on her part, that door was firmly closed behind her. Some years later she would find herself in a long term lesbian relationship, firmly believing that anything touched by a man was tainted; bringing with it only pain and heartache. Teresa’s thoughts at that time were that the worst was surly now behind her, but her life was set to make another turn from her envisaged path. It was to arrive in the form of an accident, which once again would alter her life forever. After many months and many doctors reports she was ill health retired, unable to return to work in either one of her two loved occupations. Teresa was affected by this far more then she could have ever expected, she was left alone with nothing but time, and still within the mix of a completely insane situation; it was at this point that Teresa would enter into the mental health care system fully, to have any hope of dealing with everything going on around her. That care umbrella is still part of her everyday life. The loss of her mother through less than adequate health care, brought her pain like she had never thought possible. Teresa saw herself delving deeper and deeper into her own unconscious thoughts, revealing to her at that time memories which seemed so alien. Ultimately her mental health would prove to be a factor, in the disintegration of her then lesbian relationship.
It’s something that Teresa is still trying to come to terms with even now. She now lives alone with only a small dog for company, which in truth she is happy with. Firmly believing that she can’t hurt those she loves, if they are not there for her to do so; to her mind segregation is the answer. Teresa is still unable to work and in constant pain daily. Maybe today you could say that she has once more taken back control of her life, but only outwardly. The truth is she still carries the past along with her, like an uninvited guest at a party. The one that never seems to know when the party is over and it’s time to leave. Teresa is now trying to live her life as fully as possible, through her son and grandson; they have become her light at the end of the tunnel.