When is it Time to End a Marriage? Here's A Much Better Question To Ask

Here's fair disclosure right upfront.  I am a big proponent of saving marriages and preventing divorce.  I know first hand that even problem marriages which seem to be at the end can be saved.  Still, I am often contacted by people who ask me "how do I know it is really the end of my marriage?" or "when is it time for a divorce?" or "how do you know when a marriage has reached the point when it can no longer be saved or is at the point of no return?" My answer to these questions depends upon the situation. There is no one answer.  I can say though with certainty that in cases of repeated abuse, I typically have no reassuring words.  If one spouse is repeatedly physically harming the other, even after help, one could make the case for a quick retreat.  However, this is almost the only situation in which I worry there is no hope.  Almost all marriages can be saved.  And, (since you are here) I'd bet you hold a glimmer of hope that this is true for you as well.

Search Your Heart, Not Your History: First off, I have to tell you that the fact that you have taken the initiative to research this decision carefully shows me that you don't take this lightly and that, perhaps deep down, there is some doubt on your part that this is really the end of the marriage. Typically, if a marriage is really at its healthy end, you aren't questioning it.  The end is usually so clear that people are typically indifferent at that point and are mostly totally at peace with the decision. (And I definitely WAS NOT at peace.)

I feel that if the parties are still having strong feelings (even if these feelings are negative - anger, frustration, etc.) this is more indicative that there are still unresolved issues, dashed hopes, and disappointment.  These things indicate to me that there are still feelings there, which, if handled correctly, can be transformed into strong POSITIVE feelings.  Typically when a marriage is "really over" these strong feelings are no longer there. There's just numbness instead.

So, no matter how bad things are right now, no matter how frustrated you may be, take a step back for a second.  Ask yourself if you could strip away the stress of the situation, the hurt feelings, the misunderstandings, and the fear of rejection, would you be willing to try to make things better? So many times, our fear of rejection, our pride, our insistence of being right, and our scorekeeping keeps us from really going all-in with our open and willing hearts.

This is no time to allow petty feelings to hold you back.  There is no time to have both feet on opposite sides of the fence.  If you are going to save your marriage, or even if you are going to walk away, it is really an either/or situation.  Because, if you are on the fence in either situation, then you aren't really moving forward.

Are You Throwing The Same Old Solutions At The Same Old Problems?: So many times, people will tell me something like, "We've tried everything, but we no longer speak or interact in any meaningful way.  It's always the same old thing.  Nothing ever changes. We're like strangers, or roommates, or like brother and sister."

I usually respond by asking what the parties have done to shake things up.  In other words, since things never change and are, as they have described it, stale and frustrating, what different, new, and novel things have they tried to make things better? Sometimes, people will tell me that they've tried getaways or counseling, but often they sort of pause and hesitate.

I don't ask this to place blame or expose any lack of effort. I just ask this to show people that what they're doing isn't working, so it's time to try something new.  Often times, we put so much pressure on our marriage when we are trying to "save it."  If our "last chance getaway" doesn't make us feel like newlyweds, we think that the spark is gone.  If our husband's lack of affection makes us feel rejected, we just assume that there is no passion left in our marriage.

Small Efforts Can Yield Big Results: I feel that it's often better to focus on small, sustainable steps.  First, put the end of the marriage out of your mind and commit to giving yourself a set amount of time to just improve the positive feelings between you.  Because, if this is the end of your marriage, don't you want to end this relationship in such a way that you can still be cordial and positive toward one another?  This is someone you once loved very much (and likely still do).  Don't they deserve the best that you have to offer?

So, instead of thinking "all or nothing," just think about having fun or bringing a smile to your face just for today.  Go somewhere together that will be fun and not full of pressure.  No expensive overnight stays that may feel awkward.  Just something that will produce good feelings and will leave you both feeling relieved.  Repeat this process as you can, in ways that don't place stress on either of you.  One success will lead to another.  Again, no talks of where is this going or how will this end, just thoughts of having fun together and producing mutual affection so that, should it end, it will be a on a good note.

I can not tell you how marriages have been given new life or a second chance this way. Instead of asking yourself "is this really the end of my marriage" consider that the question instead might be, "how can I improve my relationship with this person no matter where this is going?"

There was a time when my husband was absolutely sure our marriage was at its end. I suspected it wasn't. Thank goodness I listened to my heart. If I hadn't, we probably would be divorced. With a bit of effort and trying new things, I was able to save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/