Those words define my daughter. I did not think so at one time. But as time has passed, I have come to admire her for her wisdom, and her sacrifice. Sometimes, our judgments prevent us from seeing the good in others. And they are judgments based on our own experiences, our own failures, and what was taught to us.

Five years ago, my daughter had become a tow truck driver. I had the typical judgment of who/what tow truck drivers were, and was horrified that my beautiful, bright baby had chosen such a career. I judged her harshly. She met another driver, who drove semi tow trucks that cleaned up the massive messes that happen when semi's get into accidents. She had recently moved away from home, and things were not good between us.

I had moved away from Langley to Chilliwack, where the horses were boarded. I rarely saw her, as I had a job with the local newspaper. We did not ride much, although I did all the care of the three horses. Anyway, she was out one February day, and I noticed how heavy she was. As usual, we ended up in an argument, and I said she was getting awfully heavy and needed to lose weight. Oh, if I could take the words back. Cruel words my mother had said to me. She started to cry and said she was seven months pregnant and had just found out. I had told her when she was young, not to ever come home pregnant. What did I mean? Don't get pregnant. She took it to mean, that I would not accept her if she was. She said, "Don't worry, I'm adopting her out."

I just nodded, shocked. I didn't know what to say. I hugged her and cried with her, and she left. I blamed her boyfriend, for not marrying her, and her for not wanting to take the responsibility of a child they had created. I judged them harshly, based on the judgments I had been taught. I didn't like her boyfriend at all, he had rotted stubs of front teeth, he had a 10 year old ADHD son by a previous relationship, and he had gutter language. To me, he was irresponsible, and certainly not good enough for my baby.

I told an online 'friend' about the situation, and was told to take Brittany to court to take my granddaughter. In fact, he advised me that he would take the baby and I could see her whenever I wanted. And then, as usual in any crisis in my life, he disappeared. I'm grateful that he did and was not given the opportunity to take that child. He has attacked me numerous times for being 'selfish'. It would have been selfish to keep her.

Over the next few months, my relationship with my daughter was better. I tried to help her through this period, and acknowledged that she thought it best that the baby be adopted out. She was 24, but did not feel ready for a baby. Her job hours were sporadic and her lifestyle completely different than the 'norm'. She was on call and spent many nights out on calls, and sometimes days when she had to go out of town. She advised me that she had been in touch with the adoption agency and had picked out two sets of parents. As the time got closer, she advised me that the first set of parents had already adopted a child, so she went with her second choice. It was the best choice ever.

There was still a lot of animosity between her boyfriend and I, and I'm sure he sensed it. But my daughter and I managed to have a half decent relationship, as long as we didn't talk about him. My daughter had become extremely swollen during her pregnancy and there were health issues the doctors were concerned with for her. On April 18, they decided to induce her. And so the story unfolds.

Brittany has so much pure love in her. She had met the adoptive parents and they had agreed that an open adoption was what they all wanted. Which meant that my daughter and her boyfriend could see the baby when they wanted to. Fortunately, they included me as well. Brittany contacted the adoptive parents and advised them she was going to be induced and asked them to be at the hospital for the birth. They came with their 5 year old son, and all three waited at the hospital where we got to know each other. It was a difficult time for everyone.

So there's my daughter, induced and almost ready to be wheeled into the delivery room. Where were the adoptive parents? I asked the nurse, and she told me in a harsh and judgmental tone, that they were told to go home as this was a situation that my daughter's wishes needed to be respected. Surprised, I advised her that it was my daughter's wishes that the adoptive parents be there. An assumption from the nurse based on her own judgments, and not on what Brittany wanted, had created drama where there needed to be none. The adoptive parents had travelled for 4.5 hours to be there, so finding they were sent away was upsetting for everyone. Fortunately, when they were called at the hotel, they had just arrived, and were more than happy to be told to please return, as Brittany was going into the delivery room.

They arrived back at the hospital just as Brittany was wheeled into the delivery room. Although they were asked to be there, she did not want them there for the actual birth. Fortunately, I was asked to be there for it. I am so lucky that we had mended enough fences that she wanted me there. An experience I will never forget. Watching the birth of my grandchild. Holding my precious grandchild for the first time. Helping my daughter nurse her for the first time. And yes, even though she was giving her up for adoption, she nursed her for three days, knowing the colostrum would give her a huge benefit. Knowing full well that she would have to go through the process of weaning. The adoptive parents and 5 year old Sam came in after the delivery and held Emma in their arms.

Brittany was in hospital three days, to make sure she knew she was making the right decision. For three days we agonized over it. I told her she could live with me, with the baby, or just give me the baby. She said no, she wanted the baby to have two parents, and she didn't want to be a single mother. She saw how hard it was for me as a single parent, and she wanted more for her daughter.

She nursed Emma, and changed her. I held Emma, and took many, many photos. I tried to convince Brittany to keep her, or to let me have her. She thought about it, and ultimately decided that Emma deserved the best, and the best was, to be adopted into a family that had two parents.

I cannot tell you how much heartache, heartbreak and tears were shed at the time. I had advised my boss of the circumstances, and he was more than supportive. I went to work one day, and at the time, I could not stop the tears from flowing. As I looked at him with a tear running down my cheek, telling him of Emma being adopted, he grabbed me in the biggest bear hug ever, and I was able to have a much needed shoulder to cry on. I will always be grateful to him for that.

The day that Emma was to leave with her new family, I went to the store and bought three little stuffed animals, all the same. They are yellow and white praying bunnies (beanie babies) called "Grace" with "Please watch over me night and day, When I sleep and when I pray, Keep me safe from up above, With special blessing of your love!" Brittany, Emma and I, all have one of these bunnies and it sits beside our beds. I remember being in the store and buying them, and people looking at me, as I'm sure I looked absolutely devastated - I was. I accepted that Brittany knew what was best for Emma, but it didn't stop the pain.

But the pain I felt, was nothing in comparison to what she must have felt. She wanted all of us to walk out of the hospital together, with Emma in the arms of her new parents. I will never forget the look on my daughter's face when she gave Emma to her new parents. I will never forget the look as she walked away with her boyfriend back to their house. I know what death looks like, and that is the look my daughter wore that day. I never want to see that look on my daughter's face, ever again. I told her that that was the hardest thing she would ever have to do in her whole life.

But that is not the end of the story. The open adoption has proven to be so wonderful for everyone. It was a year before we saw her again, but there was an instant recognition when Emma saw my face. And she was blessed with another sister 4 months later, and another one last year. I am Grandma to all of them. I am blessed with 4 beautiful grandchildren and two parents that have so much love that they are able to fill Emma's cup to overflowing. Her adoption has never been a secret. And she is so close in age to her sister, that they are like twins.

They have not only filled Emma's cup, but taught me what true love is, and that it has no judgments nor stipulations. They have accepted me into their family as they have Emma. I have learned what it is to be accepted unconditionally, and am able to accept Brittany and her boyfriend and his son in the same way. Families are what you make them. Accepting yourself and others for what they are, allows you to be who you are. I've learned that the judgments made, are about oneself, and do not allow you to see the goodness in others.

If you love someone - set them free - there need be nothing else in that quote. If you really do love someone, you put their best interest above your own, no matter how painful it is. Some will judge Brittany harshly, as I did, based on their own selfish wants, and others will see her sacrifice, as was pointed out to me by many mothers. Bless those mothers that saw it as the sacrifice it was, and were able to get me to see it - and to see Brittany's courage in doing so.

And Emma,and her biological parents, her adoptive parents, and family have taught me what true love is. I'm so blessed to be part of such a wonderful extended family. And I'm blessed to have such a wonderful daughter. I'm so proud of her in so many ways - and mostly, for making such a difficult decision, and turning it into a blessing for everyone. Brittany and the adoptive parents have shown me what selfless and generous really means.

My daughter has taught me the true meaning of courage, virtue, honor and integrity. She lives it.

Author's Bio: 

Andrea Chapman developed and manufactures an all natural healing anti-inflammatory and topical pain reliever. Andrea is a certified graphic designer, and employs her skills of writing and art in both her business and her personal life. She was a successful sales rep for many years, before venturing into natural health in order to find a gentle but effective solution for her own pain management. She bases her success on believing in herself and in her product.
Andrea enjoys many hobbies, and says finding time to do them all is a challenge. She enjoys many creative endeavors, including watercolor, pen and ink, graphite and pastel. She also enjoys horseback riding, golf, walking, photography, bike riding, and swimming, and spending time with friends. Andrea's goal is to open a ranch for women with eating disorders, and to create positivity in everything she does.