Three Ingredients for Misery and Their Antidotes

There are many ways to be perpetually miserable. Although we are all vastly different in many ways, we share common themes around the subject of misery. In fact, misery is a pattern than emerges in many people's lives far too often. I've outlined some manifestations of misery here and filed them into three main categories:

1) Perfectionism, 2) Procrastination, and 3) Martyrdom

The good news is that these categories can be avoided. If you've conjured up toxic patterns in your life, are, you can either a) fix them, or b) toss them out altogether and start off in a whole new direction.

And the bad news, you may ask? There is no bad news. There are only minor alterations, followed by more good news. Perfectionism, procrastination, and martyrdom create misery, but the suffering is not fatal, and the pain these behaviors cause can be alleviated by a few simple practices.

If you're miserable on a regular basis or even part of the time, please consider reading on and doing the exercises I've provided below each of the three categories. You can achieve tons of stuff in your life and I promise I'll celebrate those victories with you, but please enjoy the ride. Life is meant for happiness.

Perfectionism and Procrastination: The Evil Twins

"The trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." - Erica Jong

The first two ingredients for misery are intimately related. Perfectionism and Procrastination are Evil Twins who feed off each other's neuroses. Perfectionism paralyzes, and Procrastination perpetuates. This causes a chain of non-events that result in nothing getting done. For example, when I am too insecure about what people will say about my writing, I don't write. I am paralyzed by very real fears. Imminent danger in the form of scathing criticism and public ridicule loom over me. I want to be perfect, but I can't, especially not at the beginning stages of my writing. Words come out as useless drivel, perhaps possible the stupidest stuff anyone has ever written. I picture a committee of critical people, shaking their heads in dismay at my audacity for having dared to show up to this world of words.

"You should not even own a pen," they say, "let alone a laptop."

Perfectionism: I feel it; I see it; I tremble at its presence. If I'm not careful, I also turn tail and run away because of it.

This fear of criticism and failure leads to Procrastination, which can take the form of tenacious TV watching marathons, doodling in the margins, obsessive checking up on inane updates on Facebook, e-shoe shopping, or my personal favorite, a sudden urge to go clean the toilet. The end result here is nothing, unless of course I really wanted to catch up on my TV shows, monitor Facebook diligently, buy mountains of shoes, and have a bathroom that's ready for a military inspection.

If Perfectionism is fear, Procrastination is fear digging in its heels. Out of the two, Procrastination is the more treacherous ingredient. Procrastination sneaks up slowly, installing itself into my daily habits. Procrastination's insidious nature is perhaps also due to the fact that it is often cloaked in virtuous deeds, such as listening patiently over the phone to a friend who is suffering from chronic hangnails. Procrastination not only puts off tasks, but blames other people for their delay. How can I write, after all, when my friend needs to vent about her hangnails? Procrastination is closely connected to Martyrdom, which we will investigate in a moment. For the time being, however, let's look at Baby Steps.

Fixes for Perfectionism and Procrastination: Baby Steps

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." - St. Francis of Assisi

Baby steps are necessary and possible. Any project has to be started, continued, and finished by means of baby steps, because in the absence of a magic wand, things do not happen instantly. When a project looms large and intimidating, baby steps are the type of action needed to get the process going.

Below are two simple exercises for Baby Steps regarding Perfectionism and Baby Steps regarding Procrastination.

Perfectionism Anti-Dote:

Pick one simple task that you don't do very well, and begin it with an attitude of playfulness and experimentation. This could be a task around which you have built a lot of fear. Whatever the task, identify one step you can make right away to move towards what you want to achieve. Then do that one step imperfectly and with abandon. Don't rush to correct what you've done. Stay with it for a while: this is the imperfection meditation and you are making peace with all that is messy and confusing. It is here, at this imperfect center, where creation can really begin.

The victory here is contained in the effort put forth, not the result. Remember: Baby steps are wobbly. We never expect an eleven month old baby to stride confidently across the room with a cup of hot tea in her hand right after she has learned to prop herself up and begin walking. A tumble or two will occur when you make efforts to do something new. Excelling is not the point. The point is to go forth fearlessly and give the thing a clumsy, enthusiastic try.

You can polish things up later. If you're writing, let your words stumble to the paper and say those awkward, uninspiring things. Wobble forth. There will be room for revision later. The key is to be fearless.

Procrastination Anti-Dote:

Wobble Forth. Pick one task you've been avoiding, and ask yourself what your thoughts around that task avoidance have been. Chances are, Procrastination's evil twin Perfectionism has already cut you off at the pass, and you responded by putting the task off altogether. Now that you have fearlessly rid yourself of the self-flagellating tendency to demand perfection, however, you may find that your thoughts about the task you have been avoiding have been slightly altered. So... begin! Remember the image of Baby Steps, and be kind as you begin. After all, you are happily wobbling forth.

Note: If you've been procrastinating for a long time, please wobble forth carefully. Try 15 minutes, then 15 minutes longer. Build your strength. And for heaven's sakes, have fun! You needn't run a marathon right away, or ever. Simply begin, and then chip away. You'll be so amazed at your progress that you'll wonder why you didn't begin six years ago!

Martyrdom

Martyrdom is a self-imposed syndrome that looks likes self-sacrifice. Martyrdom knows no gender, but its spirit is that of an oppressed female from the idyllic fifties. We'll call that spirit Mildred.

Mildred the Martyr generally appears to us in the form of a TRC - a Truly Responsible Citizen. Mildred dedicates her days to taking care of everyone but herself. As Mildred ages, she tends to walk around looking a little bit tired, hoping someone will notice. No one ever does. After a while, you'll hear her periodically letting out involuntary sighs.

Perfectionism and Procrastination may be evil twins who delight in causing mayhem, but Martyrdom is the Grand Matriarch. Martyrdom dwarfs the evil twins and dons the Cloak of Dedication. This cloak makes Mildred the Martyr feel like nothing short of a super-hero, and super-heroes seldom question their motives.

If I am a martyr, I dedicate my life to the edification of others at the expense of my own well-being. It's nice to help others; but as a martyr, that's not my problem. Instead, I've gone straight past being helpful and onto outright controlling. I'm putting aside my needs and secretly expecting an undying gratitude that can only lead to being nominated for sainthood.

The trouble lies here: If I don't question my motives - and modern day martyrs seldom do - I may never even recognize I have a problem. Others are grateful, but only to a point. After that point, it's straight to the Alanon meeting for me, so I can learn about the damaging effects of codependence.

Let's not bury our dreams! Perfectionism and Procrastination be mitigated, but martyrdom is harder to deal with. I'll confess that Mildred the Martyr is an unfortunate alter-ego of mine, and I've dealt with that whiny, longsuffering broad for years. If you are anything like this, please remember that even if you achieve sainthood, you'll probably be dead by then. If you or I insist on this Martyr Identity, let's just march to the nearest trash can right now and throw away our heartfelt dreams. It'll save time.

Martyrdom Antidote:

Recognize it. There is magic in simply realizing that you could have a tendency to want to be everything for everyone. As soon as you recognize it, however, the power of this tendency instantly diminishes.

Make no mistake about it: You will have to take steps to get things moving in the direction you want them to. No one helps you at home? Why would they?Haven't you trained them not to?

This may sound harsh, but you needed to hear it, Mildred. If you, like I, have donned the Cloak of Dedication a time or two, see it for what it is and self-correct. You can do it! You may need a little help along the way in identifying those goals and dreams you so dutifully buried in the backyard, but you can find them. Listen to yourself and dream. And yes, you can still help others. That part about you is nice. Don't let that go away. Just turn down the volume slightly. Or a lot, depending.

Summary

Procrastination, Perfectionism, and Martyrdom are not terminal diseases. They are misery-makers, but they won't kill you. They can, however, kill your dreams. Please don't let them. Shine your light instead of dimming it, please. We need the healthy, vibrant version of you, and nothing less will do.