Hell No I Don’t Want them Back, but I Lost Myself When We Broke Up!
by Aleasa M. Word

I remember going through a break up and talking about my situation over and over to my intimate circle of people (sorry I wore your ears out). Outwardly, I didn’t discuss it with others because it simply wasn’t their business. On one particular occasion, I was at my best friend’s house and we were discussing some of the uglies that had transpired before the break up. His step father was there but not part of the conversation. I remember him walking back and forth as I continued talking with my friend and he pretended to be busy. All the while, I knew he was secretly listening. On his final pass he said, “don’t worry he’ll realize what he’s missing and you’ll find someone else soon.” Ok, that was the defining moment I had to make a quick decision - respect my elders or ask this man was he always this crazy! I was offended that he’d ever think I’d want that person back after all of the hell that we’d gone through.

Honestly my relationship should have ended years before it did, but sometimes when we have children we make choices that are counter-productive to our well being. We think it’s the right thing to do in stay connected to a mess. Unfortunately though, the message I was sending by talking about it over and over was that I was not OVER the person I was speaking of. That day the light bulb turned on. That was not the message I wanted to convey to anyone but that’s IS the message they heard.

Many times what we say and what we mean just don’t seem to cross the threshold of other’s ears the way we want it to. I was simply angry and felt out disempowered due to my own circumstances! I was angry at the situation, that it happened and the fallout that ensued. Most importantly, I was angry at myself because I hadn’t taken control of my life sooner. I was angry because I refused to read the handwriting on the wall years before because I was stubborn, felt I knew what I was doing and don’t care much for change in certain situations. I was even angry because I’d cheated myself out of so many years of happiness I COULD have had if I’d only moved on sooner. I was mad because it messed up my blueprint of what life was supposed to be whether you were happy in it or not. Damn it, I was pissed and this guy made me come face to face with it! I had to get past my anger that made me look like the jilted lover I absolutely was not and begin moving forward. For that, I can now say thank you!

I know I’m not the first and certainly will not be the last person in a predicament like this. When we feel upset about something we have two choices. We deal with it or it deals with us. Everyone has different coping skills and while some are effective others are destructive. Women tend to be more verbal and explode openly while men tend to keep things inside and eventually spontaneously combust. Yes, I’m generalizing because there are certainly women and men that flip flop roles in how they deal with things but in my experience this is what I’ve seen a lot. Either way the person who talks about it is many times perceived as either feeling like a victim or feeling like the perpetrator filled with guilt. For some reason as a people we don’t get the fact that we may just want to get it off our chest! Maybe the person feels violated. Perhaps what happened seems unjust. Or it could be the person here was totally blindsided and they are in a state of shock. Their rumination may be what they need to get to a place of acceptance. It could be this is the way they heal. Who knows, but rushing to judge someone for verbalizing a situation is not the right thing to do. Maybe that’s just what they need to cope and we have no right to tell them it’s wrong unless it is truly hurting someone or it becomes a psychological crisis. At that point we need to leave the work to the professionals.

Once we get past the shock, anger, feelings of frustration and sometimes even sense of loss we must rebuild. But who are you when you get out of a long term relationship? How do you find the person you are now? You certainly aren’t the person you used to be and why would you want to find that person anyway. To go back to the way were, would indicate there was no growth from your life experiences. That’s not to say if you were fun loving before and became a lifeless during the relationship that you shouldn’t try to find the fresh, happy outlook on life. It is merely to say that we can make that happy person of old, one who is wiser and understands the WHY behind happiness in its truest form once it is regained.

Long-term relationship breakups are hard. They are hard for the person who ends it and for the person who gets left behind. Sometimes the person who ends it wanted out many months or years before but just couldn’t stand to hurt the other person while they were hurting their self staying in it. Eventually someone gets up the nerve to have “the conversation” which usually turns into “the argument” and results in “the end.” The WE becomes a ME and you’re lost without THEM or the implied sense of stability that comes with saying I have a relationship! For those who have children you tend to hold on to them a little tighter. This can be detrimental because once the person who left gains their balance they want to maintain their relationship with the children away from you and you’ve come to rely on as a security blanket.

The answer is as I’ve said many times before, you must find and keep the YOU in tact! No matter who you are with or even when you are single, a loving of self will help you to make it through all of life’s twists and turns. For me, the self includes a deep sense of faith in God that no matter if I’m right or wrong I still have. Ask yourself some questions. What did you like to do before you were with that person? Were you still doing it? Can you restart? What have you always wanted to or wished you could do? What’ stopping you from doing it now? Face your fears! Face the fact that it’s a scary day every time you wake up but that’s one more day you made it and didn’t fall apart. The steps it takes to find you can be large or small. The bigger the step forward the bigger the fall backward if you go too fast so take your time. Small steps add up and they are safer footing anyway.

Nothing in this life is guaranteed other than death, but until then find out who you are and love you for you even when you feel no one else does! YOU ARE your biggest FAN!

Commentary is not meant to take the place of professional or legal advice. For professional services please contact your attorney, mental health professional or healthcare provider. All information contained herein is personal opinion and not to be construed as anything else.

Author's Bio: 

Aleasa M. Word is the owner of Allergy Words Consulting, LLC and Executive Director of the Food Allergic & Asthmatic Multicultural Society of DE. She provides consultant services, relationship/communication/food allergy coaching services and business success consulting. More information may be found at www.allergywords.com or email allergywords@gmail.com