The Voice from Within

A voice within......we all have one - we just need to listen.

It's a parents dream to be a witness to their child's first words. There was a time when it was easy to speak my little words of expression from that point in my life and receive a smile from my mother. But, as time went on my words became of little interest. My words needed to project my mothers thoughts, attitude and actions for if they didn't, I was punished mentally, physically - anyway to instill "she" was authority.

The roles in my household were in such a way "misinterpreted" of life's proper role of the family. My father, a humble, simple man from North Carolina, who has a heart of gold, whose main objective was to give 100% to his career in the Navy and supply a good home for his wife, and daughter. My mother, a stay at home mom, was very controlling, often condescending, verbally abusive and acted as an advisory against me and my father whenever things didn't go her way.

Background......

I was adopted into this family unit. My natural mother, "Anna", was the younger sister to my adopted mother, "Betty", who is the eldest. The two sisters were as different as day and night - but shared the same characteristics. Those characteristics were their love of money, possession, domination. When I was born, Anna was 16 years old. My adopted mother, Betty, could not bare children, so she, my grandmother and others that were involved made the arrangements for adoption. From that point, Betty commandeered any visit proposed by her immediate family members, she monitored every conversation initiated toward me, if she was present, she would answer any question or comment directed to me and then excuse me to go and play. I figured out later that all of this was to hide her secret - to ensure I didn't find out I was adopted and to keep Anna at arms reach. I always had to be in Betty's presence or at least in hearing distance when family was around. It didn't become clear until later the reasons behind her actions. We moved to Virginia in 1964 from Newport, Rhode Island, my parents bought a beautiful home. My elementary school was a block away. The house was humongous with a big back yard......sounds grand doesn't it? It wasn't long until all of the shadows in that home became visible.

Some time later.........

We were getting prepared for my father to go to sea for a 6 month deployment. Those times were hard for me, but I understood - it was his job. On that morning, we would do as all other military families - go to the pier and watch the ship as it pulled out to sea. I would always cry because my father was my "Daddy". I was so proud watching him stand on deck in his uniform to do what he truly believed in - defend his country; and at home, he kept a form of sanity around the house and made life tolerable for me as a child of 6 years old.

All of the responsibility of taking care of the house, rearing me and living through the days were my mother's job now that dad was away, kind of like being a part-time single mom with benefits. My mom had benefits that she really enjoyed - once my dad left.......other men. She kept company with about 3 different men, right in front of me. She would send me to hand deliver letters to them and she would go to visit them at their houses. She would talk about them to me as if I was her equal, but remember, I am 6 years old, and she would talk to me like a friend and then threaten me to never talk about anything we discussed with anyone - especially dad or I would regret it. She threatened to kill me one time. Now, how does a child feel safe with a parent openly doing wrong and then issuing a threat such as that? As I got older I realized that she couldn't have possibly been serious, but for a child, remembering her face, her eyes glaring and her voice so full of deceitfulness, it made me wonder. Little by little she started to show signs of hating being married. She wanted all that the marriage afforded her, but not the commitment, not even the man, who was the source of all she had.

6 Month's Later...........

The ship is on its way home and I am anxious because my father is coming home. My mom, tight faced, a smirk dripping to the side of her mouth, not happy like the other mother's I noticed. Dad left the ship and we reunited. He picks me up and holds me in his arm .......all was right again in my world. Alas, it wasn't long after dad got home that she really acted out her disdain toward him. I wasn't that old, but I surely realized what was going on. To get opportunities to see her "men" she started using excuses to my dad such as, "there's a church meeting tonight". My dad never questioned her. Our days were built around how she felt , if she managed to pull off a romantic interlude the day before, the next day she was a butterfly, she would be in such a great mood, but if she didn't see her "man", especially when it was because it involved dad, she was impossible to live with. One day, dad became suspicious of her and followed her to her destination. He caught her with her "man".

Time had passed and I was watching television when……..the front door burst open and my mom came through it first in a huff, as if pushed – my dad followed. I have seen my dad mad only 3 times in life, and that certainly was one of them. It was a night like none I had ever seen before -but I certainly understood why.

She shortened her list of suitors to one and with that one; the affair went on for years. She continued to sneak, waited for my dad to get orders away; she found ways to spend the time. My life had been so full of turmoil. I watched my mom disrespect my father, our home and her. I longed for my mom to nurture and prepare me for womanhood, to listen, to teach. All I had been subjected to was learning to be two-faced with my dad because of being threatened if I did otherwise. One day, she finally showed me just how little she cared about her marriage, our home and my dad. One afternoon, I came home from school. It was a beautiful day, school was great and I was really looking forward to coming home to tell about it, when I opened the front door, looked to my left – I was left speechless, I couldn't believe my eyes. At our dining room table sat my mother, my father and my mother's "man".

Insult to injury ……………….

She had pushed my dad to join a chapter of the Mason's her “man” belonged to and had him to befriend my dad. He later volunteered to help him with memorizing his seat obligations. My dad did not recognize him from years prior when he caught them together, the "man" had had a heart attack, and looked older, but I knew who he was. I glared for a second, spoke and went up to my room in disbelief. I knew if there was nothing else I wanted to be in life, it sure wasn't growing up and becoming a woman like her.

Rest assure, all things come to an end...........

One night, mom and I were watching television and the phone rang. I was told to answer it. When I answered the phone, no one was there. I kept saying, “hello... hello? “, still no answer, so I hung up. My mom asked me, "Who was it on the phone?” I told her I didn't know. “No one said anything mom, so I just hung up”. Her response was, "must be some of those hoodlums you know". That was a demeaning way to show disapproval to my friends that didn't have the lifestyle she wanted to project to the world we were living. The next day I went to school, walked into my chorus class and there was a big huddle of kids in the middle of the floor. I asked my classmates, "What's going on"? One of my friends said, Anita's father died last night. I knew of "Anita", but never really befriended her -she was the daughter of my mother's "man". I repeated what I was told, "Anita's father died"? Everyone shook their head yes. Everyone was sad about Anita's loss, back then, it was a horrible thought when a parent died, not like today – it seems more commonplace with the way the world is now. I am sorry to say, I had another feeling - getting to a phone booth, calling home to tell the news.

I called home - my mom answered. I said, "hi mom", what are you doing right now? She said "watching my stories", why? I told her I had something to tell her. Immediately, she got anxious, thinking I had done something wrong in school. I told her I was ok, but I needed to let her know that........"Last night Mr. X passed away from a heart attack, and guess what mom? they found him with the phone in his hand.

A long road traveled..........

Upon completing high school and graduation, I relocated. I was a recluse, very trusting, vulnerable, naive target for all predators because I did not have the tools of communication that should have been taught to me by my mother. I suffered from not being accepted for who I was at home - I was called names, I was taunted about my dark skin color, I was told I was "just like my natural mother" when she was angry at me, so I started being what people wanted me to be for their acceptance. I went through a lot.

One day I decided to find an outlet, I knew there was something out there that I needed to explore. I wanted to go where there is protection, guidance, comrades - I joined the Navy!

It was there I got the feeling of acceptance, I felt like someone who did matter and had something relevant to give. I learned the confidence I didn't have due to being told all through life I was ugly, I was just like my mother, I wasn’t not good enough. I was finally able to breathe for the first time in my life and feel confident in whom I am. I decided that if ever I had a family, I would never be the mother I had.

I needed love I didn't receive as a child, I hunted and searched. I was misused and abused. I learned how to survive from the UHK – the University of Hard knocks and it took some time for the bruises to disappear - but I am sorry to say, this is not the whole story............