If you have paid careful attention, you may have noticed that ordinary friction sex, the kind of sexual exchange that most men employ, is characterized by a series of incessant, robotic, pelvic pumping actions combined with rapid breathing. There is no doubt that this is the fast and hard version of sex that has been glorified in pornography and elsewhere. Though it may generate delicious physical sensations and escalating excitement while it lasts (at least for the man), its usefulness in sexual intercourse must be tempered if sexual intimacy and heart-centered lovemaking becomes more of a priority. If not, as far as men are concerned, the physically taxing and athletic nature of this type of sex inevitably leads to increased muscular tension and male ejaculation followed by energy loss, fatigue and lower consciousness. This is essentially the familiar masculine (yang) version of lovemaking that we as a society have come to embrace.

It should be noted that all of the above symptoms are barriers to the tantric principles of seminal retention, energy cultivation, relaxation, letting go, heightened awareness, increased orgasmic flow, sexual ecstasy and higher consciousness. If you really think about it, friction sex is really a speeded-up, forced version of what lovers would gradually come to do naturally, gently, and effortlessly if prompted only by their desire to express affection.

Happily, there is another underused lovemaking style that most people are as yet unaware of. It may be thought of as the feminine (yin) version of lovemaking. It is perfectly complementary to the male version and is known as soft-style lovemaking because it features the slow and soft, more meditative version of sex. This feminine style of lovemaking is characterized by stillness, calmness, relaxation, synchronized breathing, letting go, shared affection, increased energy flow, heightened awareness, melting and staying fully present in the here and now.

Soft-style lovemaking is the antithesis of conventional friction sex. You don’t chase the orgasm; there is no performance goal and therefore no striving. There is an absence of purpose and hurry. Instead you relax into the arousal and begin the process of letting go. With each exhale the bodies of the lovers relax more deeply. You let the heightened sexual tension radiate throughout the body, beyond the genitals, and the body moves only involuntarily in response to it. The only effort is in learning to make no effort.

It may be counter intuitive, but relaxation, letting go, and stillness promotes an expanded orgasmic response. Relaxation promotes free-flowing energy currents that increase the sensitivity of the physical bodies. The erotic experience of both lovers is heightened to the point where the lovemaking may become excruciatingly pleasurable beyond anything that friction sex can offer. As the letting go deepens, and with no male ejaculation forthcoming, the sexual tension has time to circulate throughout the lovers’ bodies as they radiate in blissful stillness. With heightened awareness, each lover feels the other lover’s body and tunes in to the energy flowing between them. They merge with that energy. Together they melt in it!

The natural energetic flow between lovers is happening anyway, but the passive nature of soft-style lovemaking optimizes your ability to become aware of it. Think of this exchange as a river of energy moving back and forth between partners. Soften your body. Wait with open attention. The interpenetration of the sexual chakras can become a channel for the most vivid psychic exchange. This interchange may continue for an hour or more, but its timeless quality is not obtained by endurance or even duration, but by deep relaxation and meditative awareness. If you are total in your surrender, you may experience a total relaxation orgasm.

The challenge for men is that soft-style lovemaking goes somewhat against their nature. You see, from an alchemical standpoint, the male is electric while the female is magnetic. It is the nature of electricity to move. Hence, the movement in friction sex is easy and natural for men and their rhythmical thrusting and pumping movements define their masculine style. On the other hand, females love to nest, cuddle, embrace, envelop and enfold. Soft-style lovemaking may satisfy their craving for sex and intimacy in ways that friction sex rarely does.

Therefore, it requires a bit of a role reversal for men to succeed in soft-style lovemaking. They must learn to access their passive, receptive feminine side in order to comfortably and patiently rest in stillness. The fact that they are in a high state of arousal makes the task somewhat more daunting. The challenge for an active-type man is in the non-doing. He must optimize the benefits of his manliness by accessing his gentler feminine side while entering into energetic communion with his sexual lover. This is a perfect time to embrace her (which many women hunger for) and energetically give and receive as much heartfelt love and affection as possible. It’s a rare chance for a man to slow down, soften his body, and surrender all efforts at control and technique. In his utter receptiveness, he gets to absorb the magnetic, loving feminine energies that she will release in the sexual exchange. It’s as if the door to her loving inner nature swings open flooding both of them with healing life-force energy. This is a powerful way for men to increase the potency of their sexual energy, which of course, turns women on even more.

In essence, soft-style lovemaking is a non-doing, non-striving, non-moving, non-ejaculating (for men) method that increases energetic awareness. This style of lovemaking epitomizes the meditative nature of tantric sex. At the risk of sounding silly, in stillness, the two lovers may appear, if you were watching from the outside, as one divine transcendental lump. Everything is accomplished by remaining outwardly motionless, but inwardly dynamic. As each lover’s surrender deepens, one barrier of resistance and rigidity after another is dissolved until the insatiable longing to know the essence of the sexual mysteries is finally realized. It can be deeply profound. Such encounters can be so very different from conventional friction sex as to be almost unrecognizable. Instead of foreplay, intercourse and afterward, the love play is seen as one organic whole ----- a period of profound emotional, physical and energetic connection. A variety of tangible physical sensations may become evident. Throbbing, warmth, tingles, pulsations, vibrations, and/or involuntary jerking movements may be felt at various places in the body, or even from head to toe.

Don’t misunderstand me ----- friction sex has its place. It is great for generating passion and excitement. However, if you would like to have a more meditative, heart-centered and intimate experience, then the next time you are close to a genital release, cease all stimulating and thrusting movements, remain in the moment going nowhere, and become like butter melting in the sun.

Author's Bio: 

Victor Gold is a holistic health educator specializing in erotic spirituality. He is the author of the groundbreaking book, "The Potency Principles: Transforming Sexual Energy Into Spiritual Power." Victor has a private practice offering tantric instruction and sexual healing in Santa Rosa, California. He has been featured in several educational videos including Deborah Sundhal's, "Tantric Journey Into Female Orgasm" and Joseph Kramer's, "The Best of Vulva Massage."