***The Key to a Great Relationship

This will not be new news to you - however, please keep reading. The Key to a Great Relationship is Authenticity - read on to know what I mean by this.

It includes radical honesty, negotiation, intimacy (which is to reveal oneself - to be fully seen), and transparency (which is hiding nothing). We all think we know how to communicate - however, what we actually know how to do is talk. Communication is much more than just talking - it means there is a speaker and a receiver. The responsibility of understanding is on both people. The question is: Is the speaker communicating in a way that is understandable to the other - and, Is the receiver really listening to the speaker - without filters, judgments, projections and misinterpretations.

Because we each have different histories, we have different beliefs and filters, therefore, most of what we hear are distortions of what the other person means. We also speak a different language than one another without realizing it. In my Work with couples, I often have to translate what each is saying into the other's language. Because of this phenomenon we end up, for the most part, only knowing the person living in our head, created from our interpretations.

In relationships, we soon learn to withhold things -- building walls, rather than more intimacy and deeper connections. Our basic fears (conscious, or not) are of judgments, disapproval and abandonment. Because of these basic human fears, our 'withholding' communication stack gets higher.

To begin to transform this, make a list of your Undelivered/Incomplete Communications to your partner. Then choose the one, that if you were able to communicate it effectively, it would leverage the greatest positive change in your relationship.

Next, follow the format below. When followed to the 'tee' - Miracles begin to happen.

Steps to Delivering Uncomfortable Communications
Step 1

Do Forgiveness on the other and yourself, so you feel centered. An effective method is to write forgiveness statements repeatedly, until you feel a shift.

Step 2

Tell your partner that you have something you want to talk to them about, and ask if the two of you can set up an uninterrupted time to have a discussion? Do not talk about the subject yet. Make certain the time you set will be enough time so you can complete the communication, and the other will have an opportunity to respond - until a conclusion is drawn.
Step 3
When you meet: Start with telling them you appreciate their time and willingness. Then tell them what you are afraid will happen during the discussion. (ie. I am afraid you will interrupt, or not listen, etc.)

Step 4

Make requests of them that will help take care of your fears. (ie. I would like you not to talk until I am done, etc.). Ask for their agreement on each item separately. Always honor the other's 'Free Will' to make their choice about what they are willing to do. Ask if there is any request they have for you in supporting the environment. The purpose of this is to set up a safe atmosphere so the honest communication can happen.

Step 5

Now you will be able to speak more calmly and clearly about the subject. Only use 'I' statements. (No interruptions - take turns, use deep listening skills and paraphrase back what you heard - checking for accuracy of meaning.)

Step 6

When you are complete, allow the other to say whatever they need to. If the subject calls for it - make requests, negotiate, and come to a Win/Win Agreement.

If by chance, completion can't occur at this time, set up a specific time when you will resume - and say what you will commit to thinking over until then.

Step 7

Acknowledge the other for keeping the Agreements you started with, and for participating fully, etc.

As we begin to build a new history, by Being Truly Authentic, we discover that it is possible to Effectively Deliver Uncomfortable Communications, and both parties come out the other side, better as a result. Magically our 'stack' begins to diminish, allowing our trust to strengthen and our connections to get deeper.

From Being Truly Authentic with our Partner, we grow in trust, and love has a fertile ground to flourish.