Although there are certain feelings that someone can acknowledge, there are others that they can avoid. For example, if they were to experience anger, they could allow themselves to feel this feeling.

However, if they were to experience toxic shame, they could end up pushing this feeling out of their conscious awareness. Unlike anger, this feeling won’t allow them to feel strong and powerful.


If they were to embrace this feeling, they are likely to feel weak and powerless, and they could emotionally collapse. With this in mind, it won’t be a surprise that they will probably do their best to avoid this feeling.

Or to be more accurate, do their best to avoid this inner experience as, clearly, it will be more than just a feeling. After this happens, they can end up creating a whole personality around the absence of not only toxic shame but shame in general.

Way Back

This is, of course, something that can take place during someone’s adult years or it can take place during their childhood years. If this is something that took place during their early years, it would make sense as losing touch with their shame might have been their only option.

This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Through being egocentric, they would have believed that the reason they were being treated badly was that there was something inherently wrong with them.

Loaded Up

As a result of this, their being would have been filled with toxic shame and they would have ended up disconnecting from it. Thus, they won’t have needed to lose touch with their shame as an adult as this would have taken place very early on.

The trouble is that as it is not possible to lose touch with toxic shame and to still be able to experience shame, they will have grown into an adult who is lopsided. They will have created a false self on top of their true self; so they will be estranged from their true feelings.

One Priority

But, due to how long ago they lost touch with their shame and created this false self, they are unlikely to be aware of what is going on. Without realising it, they will need to keep how they truly feel at bay.

Part of their false self, the self that has been built on their true self, will be the view that they are better than others. How they see themselves, then, will be the complete opposite of what is really going on for them.

A Massive Cover-Up

Nevertheless, as they feel so bad about themselves deep down, it would make sense that they would need to create an identity that is the complete opposite to keep their true feelings at bay. So, although they can put a lot of effort into proving that they are better than others, or a certain type of people, they will primarily be trying to deceive themselves.

They will need to receive feedback that validates this view to help them to keep their true feelings at bay. Again, this is unlikely to be something that they are consciously aware of; if they were aware of what was going on, it wouldn’t work.

The Mirror

Also, as they have so much toxic shame inside them, they are likely to continually project this shame into others. Without being aware of it, they will see in others what they have lost touch with inside themselves.

In general, then, they will have the tendency to see others, or a certain type of person as being bad or worthless. Once they have unconsciously dumped their toxicity into another, they will experience a strong reaction as they are coming into contact with a part of themselves that they are unable to acknowledge.

Joining the Dots

Until they are able to go within and to make the connection between what is going on within and what is going on without, it will just be as though they just happen to continually come into contact with people who are deplorable. These people will remind them of their own darkness.

What can make it even harder for them to “wake up” is that they can be surrounded by people who are also in the same position. These people will validate both their view of themselves and the world.

The Big Illusion

Certain parts of the society that they live in, by being a manifestation of ego-consciousness, can also validate what they believe. Consequently, this society is not going to send them the message that the world is their mirror or to encourage them to engage in self-reflection.

Considering this, if they are able to “wake up”, it could be because something could end up taking place externally, something that they are likely to have unconsciously co-created, that will cause their false self to fall apart. How they truly feel will end up being unlocked, dismantling a number of their defences in the process, and they won’t be able to deny how they feel any longer.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over two thousand, eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to -

Feel free to join the Facebook Group -