136. Thoughts about Being Able to Develop a Healthy and Satisfying Intimate Relationship

Many who are not happy with their relationships. They would have loved to make a change for the better, but they are afraid. At times they themselves don’t know what they are afraid of, still they hesitate to take steps leading to a change. They stay stuck in their unsatisfying relationship, hoping that somehow, someday, things will turn out for the better.

But will they?

Apparently not, since without initiating a change there is no reason that things will turn out for the better.

You probably know such people. It is also possible that you have heard a friend of yours thinking out-loud about her unsuccessful attempts at relationships. As you listened to her, a few thoughts might have run through your mind as well about your own relationship, or lack of, or of what might stand in your way form developing a successful intimacy.

Such thoughts might be as follows:

I thought that developing a new relationship would help me escape my old failures. But it suddenly occurs to me that it just isn’t so. That I will never be able to develop a truly healthy intimate relationship. I will never be able to be totally free to express myself and be assertive. Why not? Because I don’t really know, anymore, what I want. I am so used to do what others want me to do, to behave the way others expect me to behave, that I don’t trust myself anymore to become able to change that. And I say this all with a lot of sorrow and sadness, because I don’t love myself the way I am, but I know I don’t have the inner strength it takes to change it.

When it comes to men I know I am too dependent on them; too needy. I need their love and I need their company. I can’t do without it, without them. I can’t be alone. I just can’t. I know this has driven me to many unhealthy relationships and to going out with many abusive men who thought they can control me – and they did! – but still, I feel powerless to do anything about it.

My therapist tells me time and again that I should stop being a victim. That I should respect myself more. That I shouldn’t “love too much”. But that’s the way I am: loving, caring, and giving 100% of myself. This is how I have been all my life, and this is how I will be forever. I just don’t know any other way.

For sure I want my partner to be like me – caring and loving. For sure I dream about having a relationship of mutual give and take. For sure I wish I’d had someone to lean on. Doesn’t anybody want it?

I know my therapist is right. I know I need to change my attitudes, expectations and fantasies. I know I need to change my behavior with my partners- to be more assertive, more tuned in to what is really important to me, to be able to say “no” to whatever they want of me and of the relationship. But again, I just don’t know how to change. I see myself as a loving and caring person, and I just don’t want to perceive myself differently.

Am I hurt often? Certainly! Do I feel rejected often? Sure I do! Sometimes at night, alone in bed, I tell myself “just change, just try to be different, just listen to your therapist and practice what she tells you”. But I just can’t bring myself to doing so. What am I afraid of? What do I think might happen if I’ll try? I don’t know. I just feel I am stuck being who I am and I can’t get up the courage to change. Who will I be if I change? Not knowing scares the hell out of me!

So I keep plunging my way as I’ve been doing for who-knows-how-long. And I keep hoping that somehow, some day, things will turn out for the better.

Will they?

**

As you listen to your friend thinking out-loud – or, for that matter, to your inner thoughts about your own attempts at relationships – the best you can do is ask yourself the following: Is there anything you can do to help your friend change her situation? And, similarly, is there anything you can do to change your situation? What steps you need to take in order to make a change which will eventually enable you to develop a satisfying and successful relationship – if you still don’t have one?

At times, listening to someone else thinking out-loud mirrors back to us our own situation. Taking such an opportunity to consider what changes we need to make can empower us to move forward towards finding and developing a satisfying intimacy.