The bad news is, every loving relationship begins with baggage from the past. The good news is, no matter how far back that history of damaging baggage goes, it can be reworked and healed.

We practice what we’ve learned, even if it means damaging our relationship or marriage. And crazy as it sounds, we pass that same dysfunctional communication onto our children, who then, guess what, pass it onto theirs.

Our parents did the best they could with what they knew. So did we. But if it’s not working, why not let the buck stop with you? Here’s how to stop destructive fighting:

1. Become a giving personality.
• “Can I get you a glass of soda while I’m up?”
• “Can I help you wash the car?”
• “Let’s go out to dinner tonight so you don’t have to cook.”
2. Lead the way in finding $ solutions.
• Pay the bills together.
• Together make and stick to a monthly budget.
• Decide jointly how to spend extra money that month.
3. Say something loving every day.
• “Thank you for helping me with the kids.”
• “Thank you for working hard every day.”
• “You get more handsome/beautiful every day.”
4. Have fun at home.
• Home should be the place you come to unwind, not fight.
• Home is where you get to try out your latest joke to a loving audience.
• Housework can wait. First welcome home each member of the family at the end of the day.
5. Don’t fight in front of the kids.
• It damages their personalities.
• They become afraid you do not love them and will next turn your anger toward them.
• They will continue this dysfunction with their own children.
6. Calm down. It’s bad for your health.
• It raises your blood pressure.
• It prevents you from being heard & understood.
• Winning is not the final victory in your relationship or marriage.
7. Take turns being heard.
• Learn to really hear what your lover is saying.
• Stop formulating your response. Just sit and listen.
• After your partner is finished speaking, repeat back in your own words what you think you just heard.
8. Let go of blame and instead aim for solutions.
• Blame is never going to resolve the problem. It’s emotionally abusive.
• If you’re not aiming for a solution, you’ll never move past the problem.
• Agree on a solution, forgive and start the new moment free of anger.
9. No fair yelling or interrupting.
• Even if that’s what you grew up with, stop it. It’s rude.
• Yelling and interrupting is verbally abusive.
• Yelling and interrupting closes down the line of communication and the ability to find a solution.
10. Don’t bring your relationship problems to work.
• One, it will jeopardize your job.
• Two, talking over your personal problems with someone of the opposite sex is emotionally abusive to your partner and opens the door for a sympathetic affair.
• Three, it’s healthier to talk things over within the relationship, with your best friend or with a trusted advisor.
11. Don’t have “friends” of the opposite sex that you won’t introduce to your mate.
• Oh please, are you really doubting this? Wake up.
• It’s far healthier for both of you to choose other happy couples as your friends.
• If you have any doubts about the friendship and feel someone may be overstepping appropriate behavior within the friendship, find better friends.
12. Find something spiritual you can do together.
• Find a God, Higher Power or Spiritual Helper that you can both believe in. Maybe it’s walking in nature, maybe it’s a church, maybe it’s prayer or meditation.
• Relying on your own dysfunction to make good decisions for your relationship is spiritually abusive. Have faith in something besides your dysfunction.
• Pray for each other. Give thanks for each other. Learn the lessons each of you provide one another. Obstacles are not punishment. They are in front of you to learn something that will pull you both out of the dysfunction and into a happy, loving relationship.

It is possible to disagree within your loving relationship or to have different opinions, but your goal is to love someone enough to allow them their non harmful beliefs and continue to love them. If it feels harmful to you, then it’s time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk and work out a solution. Everyone, no matter how harmful their history, has the ability to turn that dysfunction around and build the loving, supportive relationship of their dreams.

Author's Bio: 

Professional Psychic & Certified Behavioral Therapist, Kathi Calahan, helps lovers save their relationships by identifying the underlying problem and providing workable solutions. Even if they're thinking of throwing in the towel. Her free newsletter American Love Psychic - How to Grow Old Together is available at