The Victim Mode

During and after a divorce many women fall prey into the victim mode. While in victim mode a woman will not be able to thrive after divorce. Many women do not even realize that they are doing this and do not see how much harm they are causing themselves. By continuing to play victim, the woman is telling the world to treat her as such.

By continuing to play victim you are dis-empowering yourself to create the type of life that you crave. Unknowingly, you are continuing to attract more of what you don’t want. Once you begin to empower yourself by concentrating on creating a better life, you will begin to thrive after divorce.

Every marriage and divorce has a story. When people hear that you are divorcing they begin to tell you all kinds of horror stories and will want to hear all the juicy details of what happened to you. Being a good storyteller, you go into drama mode and begin retelling all of the nasty things that ex said or did. Soon you realize that you have an audience ready and willing to listen to everything.

You may enjoy the attention you are getting and feel justified in your rage. The more you tell your story of how he did you wrong, the more of a victim you are making yourself out to be. People feel sorry for you. Subconsciously, you are looking to others for guidance, empathy, support and your self-worth.

Regardless of what your ex did – even to the extreme of severe physical violence – you are allowing him to control your current reality by continually living in the past as you tell your story over and over again. For help in getting over domestic violence, contact your local domestic violence center to get professional help. If your story involves your ex cheating on you or just up and leaving, speak to a select few including a divorce coach or therapist.

Ask yourself what is the cost of remaining a victim. Do you want people to perceive you as needy and clingy? Do you want to live your life as a bitter and angry person? You do have the power right now to change your life and to create a life that is full of peace and happiness. You REALLY can THRIVE after divorce! Which life are you choosing?

Consider the costs of remaining a victim. Do you want to live your life as a bitter and angry person? Is that how you ant to be seen? If you have children, is victim-hood what you want them to model? How to you want to be seen? Do you realize that as a victim you have no power to change your life? Remaining a victim is a very bleak picture.

3 Steps to Thrive after Divorce

1. Take responsibility for your life. It may be easy to blame everything on your ex or on other circumstances. It is important for you to take stock and see where you made mistakes in your marriage. No one is perfect. Maybe you began taking your ex for granted, disrespected or embarrassed him. Take responsibility for your part in the divorce – regardless how small of a part you believe you played. Be responsible for how you are living your life today, and you will begin to thrive after divorce. Take responsibility for what is happening right now, your finances, your social life, your children, your attitude and the every word that comes out of your mouth!

2. Forgive your ex. Your first inclination might be there is no way I can ever forgive him for the way he made me feel – or for what he did to me. Forgiving a person does not mean you condone what they did. It is simply a promise to yourself to not allow their actions to continue to destroy and control you. It allows you to thrive after divorce. Do you think that he really cares if you forgive him or not? Whom is your resentment and anger hurting? It is hurting you. Love yourself enough to forgive him for being a jerk and get on with your life.

3. Do something that makes you feel amazing. Ideas include taking an arts and crafts class, learning a new skill or sport, taking a cruise, reading a good book or volunteering at a hospital or local charity. If you have children at home, do something that you can enjoy together. Talk with them and let them help you decide what to do such as going to sporting events, on a picnic or a drive through the country. To thrive after divorce means to try new things and choosing to be happy in your life as you create the life of your dreams.

Author's Bio: 

Cindy Holbrook is a certified Divorce Coach and has over 20 years of experience helping women to heal, love and find inner peace after their divorce. Her mission is the empower women to take responsiblity in their life and to create the life of their dreams. Pick up your free ecourse "12 Steps to Reclaim Your Life After Divorce" at You may also join her Facebook page