Stillness When the World Around You Is Not

I have been struggling with what I think is a common personal issue for many. Immense internal dialogue because I have recognized that I am not 100% “there” in matters of being at peace with my life and the roles I play in it. Iam still contemplating the realization that in order to be 100% genuine, I have to address that my truest most inner nature is not yet in sync with something that is missing. Like most people with a deep sense of compassion, I have made a life of service, of giving my everything to everyone I sense needs and deserves to feel recognized or supported. This is my biggest gift, and has driven my passion as a health counselor. I am truly fulfilled when I am able to offer the best of myself to others and see them shift from the “heaviness” in their life to a place of “lightness” and freedom. But this holistic field of work is about being genuine , thus encouraging me to look deeper into this “something” I fell is left undone, this “something” that is incomplete. As terribly simplistic and cliché as this may sound, I have come to realize that this missing piece is nothing larger than my self. Truth is, when you don’t ask yourself for the love and support that you offer those around you, eventually you will have lost the opportunity to know who you really are as you change and transform with life experiences. The bigger question begs to be answered. What is in me that feels I don’t deserve the same love and support? Why do I feel the urge to give and not ask for this very thing for myself? Now that I am aware of these concerns, will I continue to allow this to be my reality and continue to live this way or will I become my own friend and advocate, and ask for others to be a part of my life in a way that feels more balanced. There really is only one answer to this. It is our job and nobody else’s to grab ahold of that missing piece and put it in its place.

I have been focused on this very unfolding of inner truth and am putting into play the words and sage advice that so often passes our ears and briefly skims our minds, but that we avoid. Simply put, we continue to do what we know is easy and feels safer. The missing space within us that creates longing for something we search for, even if we can’t name it, is an inner environment we become attached to simply because we are familiar with it and so, it is where we find comfort ….even if it hurts us, it is a place we know. Many of us would rather hurt and know what to expect, than to be in the unknown,….to be in the places that are uncertain and force us to look further, to access different parts of ourselves. These are the places that cause a small ripple… the same ripple that turns into a wave of internal motion that causes all it touches to change in the way we experience life and those around us. I have had to truly come to terms with this part of me. I don’t want this place of comfort and searching to be the way I live my life. I want to embody the joy and full spectrum of happiness that I know…not just every now and again, but most of the time. As much as it scares me, I want to feel comfortable in the discomfort because I know in my deepest core that this place is where the real growth as a human being happens. We don’t learn from what we know, we learn by exposing ourselves to what we are unfamiliar with.

I am taking baby steps that are becoming more sure-footed as time passes. I have been so tempted to throw in the towel so many times and just go back to what is familiar. But much like the image I keep with me of my daughter who is one of my biggest teachers (photo above)…I am learning to find the stillness while these emotional storms swirl and twist their way in and around me. I have found that when you change, others have to change and they aren’t always ready and wiling to. I have found that I am stronger than I thought, and more vulnerable than I had imagined. I have found that my own self-worth can never be measured by what is handed over to me by way of a compliment or socially perceived success. Self worth and beauty are only yours when you feel that you are beautiful and worthy of your own time. Investing in yourself and allowing yourself to truly commit to your own happiness without guilt and with complete honesty about who and what you are creating in your life takes more than courage. It takes endurance, strength, and faith that the storm was worth it and that you will be safe because you have earned the value of your truest self in return.