Staying in an Unsatisfying Relationship Rather than Leaving: The Reasons & the Options

Introduction

If you feel stuck in an unsatisfying relationship but do not dare to leave, “excusing” your stay with various justifications and rationalizations, try to understand what stands in your way from making a change in your situation. You will then be able to make a clear decision without being driven by uncontrolled fears and uncertainties.

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How often did it happen to you that you met someone, “fell in love”, dreamt about a wonderful future together, promising to one another to be together “until love will do you apart”, only to realize, months or years later, that instead of being there for one another you fight with one another? And you look back at the early days of the relationship, and you ask yourself how come you have grown apart, and you wonder what it is that still keeps the two of your together, and why don’t you leave, and why do you stay, and why and why and why.

Indeed, why? What makes you stay in an unsatisfying relationship? In all likelihood you have given this question a thought, even more than once. And have you come up with any answer?

You might have. But the question is, does your answer is an honest, true one, or is it based on justifications and rationalizations for staying? In other words, do you manipulate yourself to believing that you should stay, even though you have an unsatisfying relationship?

What stands behind justifications and rationalizations to staying in an unsatisfying relationship?

A number of rationales might be involved in your decision to stay in a relationship which has gone from good to bad. Some of these might be:

* A belief that “things will turn themselves to the better”, and that maybe, just maybe, “we will be back where we were at the beginning”;

* The belief that “time heals all wounds”, and that patience is a key to everything (although such a belief can also be helpful if and when you decide to leave the relationship);

* Fears of being without a relationship and with no partner; of being alone and lonely; of not finding anymore any partner to be with;

* Financial or family considerations (which at times are justified, but at times add more “reason” to your justifications and rationalizations, making it easier to stay in the relationship rather than deal with whatever fears you confront).

Fighting with yourself in addition to fighting with your partner

Using such justifications and rationalizations often “enables” you to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. But here is the catch: you don’t only fight with your partner, but now you also fight with yourself, constantly contemplating the pros and cons of leaving; contemplating the fears which you associate with leaving, constantly becoming more and more stressed, agitated and angry at yourself as well as at your partner, all of which deteriorate the relationship even further.

A tip to deciding what to do

Whatever you decide to do, the decision is yours, and yours alone. But here is a tip: take the time to understand which fears you confront; what needs you have which you are scared will not be met without a relationship; ask yourself whether there is any reason to truly believe that if you leave your current relationship you won’t be able to find a new partner. Also view, in retrospect, previous relationships you may have had and ask yourself whether you can realize any patterns that repeated themselves throughout all your relationships. These patterns might be the ones responsible for your failed relationships.

All in all, ask yourself whether there is any way you can get to better understand yourself, your needs and fears, your ways of interacting with your partner(s), and, most important of all, whether there are any ways by which you harm and sabotage yourself and your relationship(s).

Asking yourself these – and other – questions and truly and honestly giving yourself answers, will enable you – if you eventually do decide to leave your current relationship – to know how to handle yourself with future partners so that hopefully you will not fight with one another but rather will maintain a satisfying and loving intimacy.