Control is something that everyone not only wants, but needs to a certain degree. To have no control would make life a real challenge and could make one question their will to live. This doesn’t mean that the control in question here is the control of others.

The type of control this relates to is self control and having the ability to decide what one will or won’t do. To have control over others is one thing, and it is something very different to have it over oneself.

Control is a vital part of life; the defining factor is the kind of control that someone is motivated by. If one chooses self control then they will be seen in one way and if they chose control over others, then they will be seen in another way.

Good And Bad

It’s the difference between being a labelled as a ‘good’ human being and being labelled as a ‘bad’ human being. And yet beyond these labels is a human being and as human beings we contain these so called ‘good’ and ‘bad’ elements. Some people have realised one and the other remains nothing more than a potential.

Although one person is exercising self control and the other is trying to control others, inherently they are more or less the same. The primary distinction is often due to the kind of people that they have been around from the moment they were born.

Different Degrees

And even though someone is not extremely controlling in their personal or business life or a dictator of a country for instance, it doesn’t mean that they don’t need to experience a certain amount of control. The need will be there, it will just be a more balanced need.

It won’t be something that has possessed them and ended up taking complete control of their ability question whether it is right or wrong. What they will do is exercise control in a way that is generally functional and doesn’t infringe on the rights of others.

Self Control

This could be the result of them having a healthy level of self control. Here, one is in control of not only their physical body, they are also in control of their mental and emotional sides. And from this inner control, they are able to let go and trust in the process of life without the need to control others.

One is not necessarily always responding to life in this way, as they are only human and there is inevitable going to be moments when they will lose this ability. Being human means that we are not perfect and to aspire to be would not only be a waste of time, it would also be impossible.

So this person would go about getting what they wanted through agreements and mutual consent. And their behaviour would be a choice and seldom reactive. Their words would also be thought out and chosen carefully.

Control Of Others

When someone has the need to control others and therefore does control them or least tries to, inner control is not going to be something they are familiar with. Now this could relate to someone who is a leader of a country or it could relate to someone who is controlling in all areas of their personal life or just a certain area.

They may have control of their body, but what they won’t necessarily have is emotional control and therefore their mind is likely to be out of control as a consequence. There is unlikely to be a sense of trust in life or that life will work out for them without being controlling.


It could be that they feel separate from life and in order to connect to it, they need to control everything or just some things. So instead of receiving things through being in resonance with what they seek and realising there is no separation, they try to get things through control; as a result of feeling cut off from what they want or need.

How they feel is causing them to see life in a certain way and to experience life as something that is out of their control. Because although one may be seen as someone who likes to control people, at a deeper level they are trying to control how they feel. And so although people will be involved, they just allow one to regulate how they feel.

A Reflection

If one feels completely out of control within, then they will need to exercises more control without. And if it is not this extreme, then the outer control will not be as extreme. The outer will always reflect what is going on within and what makes this difficult to realise is that one cannot directly look inside another human being.

What they can do is observe how they behave and how they don’t behave. So the more emotional baggage or weight they are carrying, the more they will need to use control in their life. This will apply to: people, situations and outcomes. But the more controlling one is, the more attached they will become. And this very attachment can end up pushing what they seek even further away.

Trapped Emotions

These emotions could have built up since one was a baby and go onto include what has happened in their adult life. And as a result of them staying trapped in one’s body, they have taken over and are defining how they feel or don’t feel.

A bit like a parasite that comes in unnoticed. At first one might sense that something is not right, but as time passes, they can forget how things were and think that how they feel is normal.


To have self control one will need to release the emotions and feelings that have built up in their body. It will then be possible for one to gradually settle down within and to find their centre.

This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer who will allow one to face them and to gradually release them as a result.

Author's Bio: 

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

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