Sad and Lonely In Marriage: I Am So Depressed and Lonely In My Marriage

Marriage is a permanent union of love between a man and a woman. It is written that God made woman from man so as to be a companion and helper to him. A companion that would encourage, support, respect, love and edify him. He in turn should committee to be a protector, provider and helper to her in every respect.

When a couple enters into marriage it should be holy in purpose. Meaning that the husband should experience the pure love of his wife's heart as she endeavors to soften and improve his character to make the marriage complete.

Love is a relationship between two humans. In scriptures love is clearly defined because it is the most important aspect of human existence. Love is said to be patient, kind and not jealous or pompous. It is not inflated or rude. It does not seek its own interest. It is not quick tempered and does not brood over injury. Love does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things and endures all things.

It is said that whoever is without love does not know God. This is because the divine love that comes from God never sought to destroy human love. On the contrary, God's love refines, purify, elevates and ennobles human love and so it is believed that human love can never blossom until it is united with the divine nature of God's love. The reality being that human love seems always aspiring to elevate itself heavenward.

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The commitment of marriage without any doubt includes the following: love, unity, respect unconditional support and fidelity. Sex however, is not love and it is not the most important aspect of marriage. Sex is meant for procreation and it is the expression of mutual love, which is a great source of satisfaction, which strengthens a marriage relationship. Therefore a good sex life in marriage is not only a factor of mutual pleasure and procreation but also an essential ingredient in the overall success of a marriage.

Love between couples should enhance the state of happiness with each other. The husband should help wife grow in all aspects of personal development. Each one should administer to the satisfactory existence of the other. Whilst it is important to collude in unity neither of the two should lose their individual identity.

Now, as a couple grows in maturity, understanding and accepting each other's past is very meaningful to help set realistic expectations and having a very positive attitude towards each other so as to foster a valid and successful way of adapting to conjugal life. A couple should make it a habit of communicating frequently on all issues to improve the quality of their relationship. Frequent arguments and misunderstandings can only be resolved through positive communication, forgiveness and apologies.

Also peace is very important in a relationship. To ensure peace and stability it is vital to bring all financial resources together. However, this can only be achieved through open dialogue and the use of simple joint agreements on home and family budgets so as to efficiently manage family income and expenditure. In addition, the divisions of functions have to be above board. Each spouse should accept the delegation of specific task or family responsibility. This is of essence for the couple to achieve success of marriage and ensure that both parties are happy. A certain measure of generosity, flexibility and understanding has to be demonstrated too by both sides. On the social live experience there should be mutual agreement on adaptation to change in the life of each spouse.

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It must also be said that happiness is not the easiest thing to achieve in our present times. This is because the obstacles in modern day life are many. The manifestation of self or putting "I" first in everything will destroy the peace and unity of the home and marriage. A couple should be well advised not to command each other about... to do what the other wishes regardless of the consequences. It is not proper and in the best interest of marriage. It should not be practiced because it will affect the retention of each other's love.

For a couple to be truly happy together in marriage some of the important human needs have to be satisfied. A wife is very different to a husband in the way she thinks and perceives things. There are many things that are important to her personally and good for her physique. Included are the following: appreciation and affection through words and actions; need to converse with husband about the things that matters; need for husband who trust her and is honest and hides nothing from her; expects a husband to provide for her and a wife sees the home and family as an important aspect of life. If any or all of the above aspects of the wife needs are neglected she eventually become very unhappy.

The husband's needs are slightly different and it is important for the wife to understand this. The following are generally important to the majority of husbands. Whilst hugs and words of appreciation are important to the wife the husband may not be fulfilled by only this. Husbands need closeness, which can eventually terminating in a sexual encounter; they long for a wife who would willingly accompany him, participate and show interest in his leisure activities; husband desires to have a wife who strives to stay beautiful. Also, men long at all times for a clean and tidy home where everything follows through without hindrances. A husband needs his companion to admire, respect and recognize his achievements. The big as well as the small ones.

Many people refer to marriage as a fine wine that improves and appreciate in value over time, cemented and cast solid through torrents of struggles, pains, disappointments and anxieties that are incapable of drowning true love. Because, when a couples sacrifice themselves generously they become united in purpose, existence and in affection. The outcome no doubt results in true happiness, true love and bliss right here on earth.

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"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." -Mignon McLaughlin

After I got married to Vinay, I started to actually notice married people around me and a lot many questions started to crop up in my mind. One thing I noticed was that many people were married to the wrong partner that is why they were not happy and satisfied; I also noticed that that even after 20-30 or more years of marriage people had no understanding with each other and were feeling claustrophobic in the marriage. I wondered why? Then after I came into close relationship with God and saw how God had blessed my marriage I realised that God has a chosen partner for each one of us. Therefore, each of us have a soul-mate with whom we are supposed to not only spend and live our life but also fulfil the purpose we are here for. But sadly most of the people are in a nuptial they shouldn't be in, that is why there is no understanding and people are just scraping through their marriage.

Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage - Zig Ziglar

USUAL CHOICES PEOPLE MAKE

Usually when a girl or a boy is of marriageable age, what I've usually noticed, families or the prospective groom or bride see a typical set of points which when check-marked the alliance comes through, especially in the kind of society I live in. Other societies may be having different criteria. But what people usually base their marriage on, are - How does the groom or bride look like? Are they beautiful or handsome, how much do they earn? What is the family like, if it is the girl they are looking for then is the girl going to be compatible with the groom's parents? This is usually more concern for boy's parents, rather than looking at the compatibility with the boy. What kind of financial background does the boy or girl come from? And the funniest part is that professionally if the boy is an engineer, he will look for a girl who would be an architect; If boy or a girl is a doctor, they usually look for someone from the same profession. But honestly, is this marriage? We look for compatibility in professions, not in our personal lives. When you start living your life together and situations come knocking at your door, it's not your profession but the understanding between the two of you that will help you to deal with situations. So, don't settle for good enough when God has something exclusive for you.

Recently one of our Foundation's partners called me up; they have been looking for a match for their child who has given them responsibility of looking for a life partner for him. Parents had recently visited us and seen the kind of understanding Vinay and I had and so they wanted my opinion on what to look for their child's life partner. What I told them is what I wanted to share with all those that are reading this piece. When I got married for the first time, I was married at nineteen and a half and I was barely trying to understand what life was all about. It was an arranged marriage, my parents wanted to get rid of me and I too was looking for an escape from my parents who had made my childhood a misery. So I thought maybe through this I would have my own family, my own home where I won't be judged and criticised all the time. See, there was a motive I had. What happened? The marriage was a disaster.

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CHECK YOUR MOTIVES

The basic problem with most of the marriages is the motive: getting married because the boy or girl is beautiful; getting married to escape from the current situation; getting married because the boy or girl is financially very well-off; getting married because I might be getting too old; getting married because studies have finished, and s/he does not want to pursue a profession so the best thing is to get married; getting married because the boy's life will stabilize as he is not earning; getting married so the two business families will gain a lot through the alliance; getting married because now I am pregnant, I made a mistake and now I want to legalize it; getting married because I am feeling lonely; and many more such motives.

WHAT DOES COMPATIBILITY MEAN?

But they are wrong, all wrong and that is one single reason why marriages either fail or even after being married for 20-30 years it seems to be the wrong choice. Marriage is a knot that has to be cherished for life. Every time you look at your spouse, you thank God for the partner He has given you rather than cursing your spouse or your own self, parents or your destiny. Marriage has to make two persons grow and complement each other in life. I don't know what usually people understand by compatibility but what I told our Foundation's partner, is what I want to share with you.

God has put special gifts or traits in each of us that are unique to us. Compatibility comes when we complement each other with those unique gifts, rather than expecting the other to be like our mom, dad, sister or brother. God has made each one of us unique therefore husband and wife need to complement each other and when they do, they complete each other. While sadly there are couples who instead of complementing one another, are competing with each other. When couple is at war, no one can save the house.

MY STORY

Before I got married to Vinay, he had a pact with God. He had asked God to send the person in his life who would do God's work and whosoever girl would come and propose to him, he would say yes believing that she was God's chosen one for him. Here, after all the bitter experiences of my life, I wanted a person who would love me, understand me and respect me. And lo! there came a situation in my life where I was forced to propose to Vinay, even though it felt odd at first but then my friend encouraged me that I had nothing to lose. No one in the world knew of this pact between Vinay and God. When I proposed, he didn't see my background, he didn't judge me for being a divorcee and a mother of two children, he just saw it as God's choice and he agreed. And honest to God for last more than eleven years, it's never been in our life when we haven't thanked God for bringing us together for the kind of understanding and love that we share.

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God has reserved a person for each one of us, but our mind doesn't want to accept it and it questions. We don't want to trust God enough to believe in His choice and as a result we pay through our whole life for the choices we make. The key to this is what God orders, He pays for it and when you order, you pay for it. Let God be the One to decide what is best for your life. He knows who He has reserved for you. Recently someone from my relatives was visiting us and she had a question for both, Vinay and me. She wanted to know how we had a perfect understanding. My answer to her was, by keeping God first place in our life and letting Him decide who is best for you. For those who are already married there is still hope, whoever you might be married to, surrender the marriage to God and get "married" to God, meaning, develop your relationship with God because God is the Master in straightening things up. When you marry God while being married to person of your choice, God will help you straighten up all those things that need straightening up in your marriage. Give your burden to Him, trust Him with your life and marriage. Vinay sometimes tells me that it scares him when he thinks of the time I had proposed him and if instead of obeying God he would have let his mind talk him out of it.

CONCLUSION

I want to encourage all you beautiful people wanting to get married - straighten out your motives. You are not here to fulfil your or your parent's purpose. You are here to fulfil God's purpose, make Him your mentor and whatever decisions that you make, especially when selecting a life partner, put Him first. He has a purpose for your life through this marriage. Word of God says let peace be the umpire for your decisions... If you are peaceful about doing something, go ahead and see it as God's will or else keep waiting upon Him.

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You have gone through the experience of your marriage entering a phase of fierce conflict and you are desperately seeking an answer to the question "What can I do to save my marriage?" Here is some help you can use.

1) Reflect before acting: You need to spend sometime thinking about the problem in order to find an answer to the question, "What can I do to save my marriage?" Acting in haste without thinking will only lead you into a more complicated situation.

2) Talk to your spouse: Though you may feel that talking to your spouse will be futile, many times a frank talk can result in a surprisingly satisfactory outcome. After all, like you, your spouse may also be keen on finding a solution to the problem. When hearts open up, differences will get dissolved.

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3) Seek external help: If talking to your wife does not yield the desired outcome, then you need to seek external help. You may opt for marriage counseling or searching online for a good eBook that will answer your question "What can I do to save my marriage?"

Marriage counseling can be long, expensive and will require that you discuss your personal affairs with a third person. You also need to be lucky to find a therapist who will gel with you and your spouse, for the process to succeed.

4) Choose the best alternative: Using one of the many ebooks that are online can really be a break through choice because it has several advantages. It facilitates your going at your own pace, involves only a one time cost and offers step by step practical guidance on how to save the marriage. It will also be available to you for ready reference to solve some minor problems that may arise in future.

Do you want to reawaken a committed and loving relationship in your marriage? There are proven steps that are amazingly powerful that will help you overcome conflicts and breathe life back into your marriage. This is a plan you do not want to pass by. Click here to see the proven steps on how to save your marriage.

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