ReParenting Children By Art Martin Ph.D. (article #3 in a series on ReParenting)
This is the most critical factor in our culture today. With most children growing up in a dysfunctional family (90%) they do not get a good start in life. If we could set up a method to teach parents what is required to get their children off to a good start in their life it would be a major step forward to remedy the conflicts we have with behaviour problems, ADD, AHD, ADHD, SAD, RAD, learning disabilities, and discipline conflicts.
The main conflict we are confronting is we can not change children's behaviour unless we reparent the parents behaviour first. We can not parent or teach children properly when we are working at a disadvantage to begin with. Since over 90% of the adults came from a dysfunctional family we can not just jump in and begin parenting properly if we do not change the basic program the parents were given as children. The control, authority, manipulation, compliance and forced discipline parenting programs do not work. When we change this pattern it will be a major step in stopping the viscous cycle. How do we take on this task? It is a monumental challenge to tackle when most people writing books and teaching about parenting do not understand the enormity of the problem because they are from dysfunctional families themselves. Will the trend change? I am not sure it will unless we can train the teachers, authors and change the college training programs.
ReParenting is not just about learning how to be functional adults and parents, it is about learning how to ReParent ourselves delete and unload the programs that we have accepted from our parents so we can teach and parent our children properly. It is next to impossible be a effective teacher and parent unless we set up an effective model. We have to find ourselves and enter recovery so we can let go of the past mistakes our parents made in our childhood. If the leaders in the field are not functional adults where do we start? We have to start with the teachers, leaders and authors who are speaking, writing and teaching how to work with children. Are they open to evaluating their lives and their methods so we can change the methods? I am not sure most of them would consider there is anything they need to correct in their own behaviour and understanding of the challenge we have right now. Are they listening? NO! It is obvious the training, programs and patterns from the past did not work.
Most of the intervention, tough love and isolation programs do not work. All they do is create more feeling of rejection and abandonment for the child. So what do we do when parents and teachers get frustrated with controlling children's behaviour? Drugs do not work. All they are is a band aid to cover up the symptoms of disregulated children. Most of the time it calms them down in extreme cases but it does not get to the base cause and core issue of dysfunctional behaviour. I have found that talking to children does not work unless they can trust their parent. We may think they hear us because they will change their behaviour when they are aroiund us...
The main difficulty is to get the teacher, therapist, parent to recognize is, do they have the eight qualities of unconditional love installed in their core level of their mind? You may think you have it, yet I have discovered in my research less than 10% of the population of the industrialized nations know or have an understanding what the eight qualities of unconditional love are. If you do not have it how do you train or model this behaviour yourself. The easiest way to understand this is, if you or your children acted out to get your attrention. You do not have the eight qualities installed in your minds operating files. If your children get sick often then are asking for attention. Children were asking for unconditional love and recognition. They assume mother had these qualities since they were born with them. They were acting out to get mothers attention. Did this irritate mother? Yes it did if you did not know what the children were demanding. Very seldom could mother understand their language. You must ReParent yourself to install the eight qualities of unconditional love in your minds operating system. In doing this you will rewrite the corrupted dysfunctional parenting model so we can stop the vicious circle of handing this malfunctioning parenting model to our children from generation to generation. It is about how to love ourselves so we can in turn give unconditional love to our children. Most people think they have it, yet I have found they don't
I discovered that coming from a dysfunctional family myself our past experience was imprinted in our data base. We will repeat our parents behavior until we remove the program. Before we can have successful relationships and become successful parents we must unload our garbage that is setting us up to perpetuate our parents' parenting model with all it's dysfunctional behavior patterns. What I discovered was we must go through the internship process and learn how to ReParent ourselves growing up again before we can be acceptable parents who set a good example for our children. It will slso set up our relationships and communication to work better. Adult-children can not provide a good parental teaching model or raise children. So, to learn how to ReParent ourselves is not just a matter of doing the right behaviour; it's knowing that you are authentic so your children will accept your behaviour. To do this we have to understand what being a whole person is. You can not talk the talk unless you can't walk the walk. If you do not know what to say in a positive manner to your children. How can you teach children to trust and respect you. If you have a basically corrupted operating system in your computer you can not create functional relationships nor can you become as an acceptable parent. Our dysfunctional behaviour will always bleed through even if we know our parents behaviour patterns are affecting us. How can we try to stop them if we do not remove them from our minds files. This happened to me many times until I was able to stop the pattern. Just because I recognized it did not stop it. It kept bleeding through when I least expected it. When we are frustrated it sets up the perfect situation to act out your anger and take it out on your children.
This is not our children's problem because they were born with the knowledge of unconditional love just as you were. They had the concept down when they were born and they were trying to get you to provide it for them. Unfortunately it was programmed out of you by the time you were four years old. Now you are doing the same dysfunctional parental behaviour model your parents imprinted on you. Since you were not shown what the eight qualities of love were, you are destroying the children's concept of unconditional love and you may have already destroyed their self esteem, self worth, and self confidence. As a result they act out to get your attention and you get irritated by their behaviour so you pass the faulty dysfunctional parenting model on to them and destroy their concept of love by the time they are four years of age just like your parents did to you They assume love is indifference so they accept that any concentrated form of attention is interpreted as love. Most children and adults I have worked with feel love is indifference because that is the way their parents treated them. It is not what we do or think we do for our children, it is our children's perception of how they feel we treated them that will be their understanding of what love is to them. Children are very intuitive and see right through false behaviour. You can not act like you are giving them love and affection if you do not know what it is no matter how hard you try. If you feel them pushing you away or rejecting your attention you are not being authentic and they are reacting based on what they perceive. Their perception is an accurate evaluation to them even though you may feel your are treating them with love and acceptance. If you get frustrated and act out and get angry, it just validates their feelings.
I did not want to blame my mother for all my conflicts, even though she did cause them, She did the best she could. We can not live in the past or blame others for our problems and conflicts. Even though we could not control the situations in the first ten years of our life we can not blame anyone for the outcome. It was the dysfunctional parenting program that caused all the problems. It is as the cartoon character Pogo said "I found the enemy and he is us:" We have to unwind it to take control, responsibility and release all the stuffed anger, fear, resentment and traumatic feelings from the past. We can not live in the past or blame the past. Our parents made mistakes which we have to forgive them for and make sure we do not pass down their dysfunctional parenting model and patterns.
. To break this vicious cycle that is recreating this dysfunctional model your children must know they can trust and respect you and you will in return respect and trust to them. When you can provide the eight qualities of unconditional .love to them and you have taken responsibility to forgive your parents for using this dysfunctional parenting model and the all the problems created by it. Make it come to an end with you. You have made a major contribution to society and the world. Each one of us who can do this will eventually create a ground swell in raising functional, ethical, honest children who will not act out the behaviour we are experiencing in politics and corporate business now.
My presentation in my book on ReParenting is about healing your relationship with your parents and yourself. It may not please the people who choose live in their illusion and their beliefs thinking they have an effective relationships with their parents, their partners and are effective parents who have supportive relationships with their children. Most people do not want to believe that all the causes of our problems and conflicts started in the first four years of our life with our mother. Unfortunately we don't know what we don't know.
Very few parents in their twenties are prepared to have children. Some people are not suited to have children at all unless they find and recover their lost selves. ReParenting is a monumental project, yet very few writers and college instructors seem to recognize or understand how to change the dysfunctional patterns.
Dr. Art Martin has been working with people for 30 years helping them understand his concepts about recovering their lost selves. It only recently he began describing the process as ReParenting. He has written a book entitled "ReParenting Yourself." It is the first book in the series on parenting. More information from his web sites and Contact

Author's Bio: 

Dr. Martin’s background and training is in Psychology, Energy Medicine, Energy Psychology, Chinese, Tibetan medicine, Acupuncture, Homeopathy, and many other therapies He began his research in 1978
for a healing process when he was told by a doctor in 1972 that he would be in a wheelchair in 10 years
due to the degeneration of his spine. When he discovered our mind is a computer, he began developing N/CR Neuro/CellularReprogramming in 1982.. He has Healed himself with the help of practitioners he taught N/CR.
He is the author of Ten books, including “Your Body is Talking, Are You Listening?, ReParenting Yourself, Your Mind is
Your Savior or Your Enemy. Open The Door to Your Millionaire Mind, Energy Medicine Energy Psychology Behavioral Mind/body Medicine.