There are people on this planet who are experiencing relationships that are functional and healthy. This might be how it has always been, or it could be the result of them making certain changes throughout their life.

On the other side of the spectrum will be people who are currently experiencing relationships that are dysfunctional and unhealthy. And while this may be the result of what has happened in their later life, it could be something they have experienced more or less their whole lives.


So no matter what ones relationships are like, they are likely to be what are classed as normal. If ones relationships are fulfilling, then one can feel grateful; that’s if they were to even think about how things are for them.

When one has experienced something for a while or for their whole life, it can be easy to take it for granted. It is then ignored and instead of realising how fortunate one is, one can focus on what they haven’t got for instance.

And if ones relationships are not fulfilling, one can feel like a victim or that they have no control. There is the chance that one will do something, and yet they might just put up with how things are.

How life Is

If one is in a position where they have always experienced healthy relationships, they might believe that this is how life is. And that everyone else has relationships that are as fulfilling as theirs.

And if one has always had relationships with others that are not fulfilling or just when it relates to the opposite sex for instance, they might also believe that this is how life is. They could believe that everyone else is in the same position as them or just not place too much attention on people who are experiencing life differently.

The Challenge

So while some people will be aware of the fact that their relationships are not healthy and therefore have the chance to do something about it, there are also going to be people who are not aware of how dysfunctional their relationships are.

And like the fish that doesn’t know it’s in water, one will have relationships that they don’t realise are unhealthy. This is not to say that one will be in denial about how things are, they can be only too familiar with pain and drama.

What is can mean is that one has not come to the conscious realisation that their relationships are not healthy. As a result of this, one is unable to know that there are other ways for relationships to be.


The experiences that one has had with people will have created a certain outlook about what relationships are like. These will have shaped ones personal beliefs about relationships and about their own value.

So if one has only experienced relationships that are abusive, controlling, manipulative, cold and neglectful for instance, then this is going to be classed as the ‘truth’ to their ego mind. And what the ego mind sees as the truth will define how one experiences life.

Anything that goes against the ego minds ideas will be filtered out in some way. What the mind sees is what is classed as familiar, and what is familiar is what is safe. However, what is classed safe could be harmful and detrimental to ones wellbeing.

The Prison

One can then end up living in a self created prison and the chance of seeing reality differently becomes impossible. In order for one’s mind to see that there are other ways for relationships to be, one will need to expose themselves to things that will make their mind think differently.

For as long as one’s mind is not challenged, one will continue to think in the same way and to therefore experience life in the same.


When new information is taken on board, it will be like a new seed that is planted; at first very little will occur, but as time passes, growth will appear. What this new information does, is create an inner contrast.

And no matter what ones relationships are like, when they have seen that they can be different, there is hope. What this then gives someone is the belief that change is possible and that they don’t have to put up with how things are.

But without these new reference points, one would be trapped in the prison that their mind has created over the years. This doesn’t mean that everything will change overnight or that it even needs to, what matters is that a new seed has been planted.

New Reference points

It is clear that these new reference points won’t just appear in one’s mind, they need to be created. And this is going to mean that one needs to do things they wouldn’t usually do. Although one will need to accept how things are, it doesn’t mean that they have to see their life as anything other than feedback.

Their outer world is simply mirroring back what is taking place within them. One way to create new reference points is to read books on relationships; this will alter ones inner model. Another way is to consciously look for people who have good relationships.

Ones childhood years play a big role in what their relationships are like as an adult. So looking into what took place here and questioning the beliefs that were formed, as well as processing any emotional pain, will make a difference.


Books can be read and courses can be taken, as well as reaching out for the support of a therapist, healer or a coach. The main thing is that one changes their inner model of what relationships are like and how they deserve to be treated.

Author's Bio: 

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

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