Relationships: Can The Fear Of Abandonment Cause A Man To Stay In An Abusive Relationship?

At this point in time, a man could be with a woman who is not right for him. Then again, it could go further than this as he could be with a woman who is greatly undermining him.

If this is the case, it can be normal for him to be criticised, humiliated, controlled and even hit by her. This could be something that has been going on for a number of weeks, months or years.

Beaten Down

There might have been moments when he has stood up for himself and made it clear that how he is being treated is not acceptable. This might not have had much of an effect, though.

Alternatively, he might have just put up with what is going on and not said anything. Either way, if she has continued to mistreat him and hasn’t realised how destructive her behaviour is, it is unlikely that she will change.

Holding On

However, he could find that it is not possible for him to cut his ties with her. So, when he thinks about doing this, he could be filled with anxiety and fear.

Staying with her is then not going to be good for him, but leaving her will be seen as something that is far worse. Consequently, he will continue to stay with someone who is having a negative impact on every part of him.

External Feedback

If there is at least one person in his life who he trusts and opens up to, he could tell them about what he is going through. During this time, he could say that he is not being treated well but he doesn’t feel capable of leaving her.

After hearing this, the other person could empathise with what he is going through and show their support. This person could say that he has been worn down and this is making it hard for him to see clearly.

A Helping Hand

They might also ask him to think about what he believes will happen if he were to walk away from her. Assuming that this was to take place, he could find that he fears that he will be abandoned and his life will come to an end.

Due to this, he will have two options: he stays with her and suffers, or he leaves her and he will die. His trusted confidant could say that although this might seem to be what would happen, he would be fine if he left her.

What’s going on?

After becoming aware of what is keeping him in this position, he could wonder why he has this fear. What might soon enter his mind, thanks, in part, to what his trusted confidant has said, is that this is irrational.

After all, he will be a man, not a boy, and, she will just be woman, not his mother. Therefore, there will be no reason for him to see life in this way and what he believes will have no basis in reality.

Another Angle

Nonetheless, if what took place during his formative years was taken into account, what is going on for him might gradually make sense. This might have been a stage of his life when he was greatly deprived and deeply wounded.

His mother might have been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, and abusive. As for his father, he might have also been emotionally unavailable and out of reach, that’s if he was around.

The outcome

As a result of this, he would have missed out on the attunement and love that he needed to grow and develop in the right way. Being criticised, humiliated, ignored, rejected and left would then have been a normal part of his childhood.

To handle what was going on, his brain would have repressed how he felt and a number of his needs. This would have stopped him from being overwhelmed by pain and aware of needs that wouldn’t be met and allowed him to keep it together and function.

It’s over

Along with this, as he was egocentric, he would have personalised what took place. It was then not that his parent or parents were unable to love him, most likely because they themselves hadn’t been loved during their formative years; it was that he was worthless and unlovable.

What took place at this stage of his life will be over, of course, but a big part of him won’t have moved on. He will still be carrying most, if not all, of the pain and the unmet developmental needs that were repressed all those years ago.

Anchored To The Past

When he has formed an emotional attachment to a woman, then, as is currently the case, this part of him will see her as his mother. This is why, pleasing her and staying by her side will be seen as the only way for him to exist.
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What this shows is that this other part of him has no sense of time and is blind, which is why it is unable to see that he is no longer a powerless and dependent boy and the woman he is with is not his mother. Taking this into account, it is to be expected that he would find it hard to leave a woman who is making his life a misery.

A New Reality

For his life to change, he will have pain to face and work through and unmet developmental needs to experience, among other things. This will take courage, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.