If someone has been in a number of relationships that were somewhat or extremely abusive, they might have decided to stay single for a little while. Then again, they might not want to be in another relationship.

But, taking into account what they have been through, this could be seen as a normal response. However, as their need to connect with another human being won’t have disappeared, it might not be long until they start another relationship.

A Closer Look

When it comes to what their last relationship was like, this may have been a time when they often felt rejected, ignored, alone, invisible, worthless and unlovable. This is then likely to mean that their partner wasn’t very emotionally present and may have been verbally abusive.

It might have gone further than this, though, as they may have physically harmed them at times. Still, even if this didn’t take place, being with someone that was emotionally depriving and used their words to hurt them would have deeply wounded them.

A Rebuilding Process

As time has passed since they were in a relationship, they might have gradually started to return to their old self. This may mean that it has been a number of weeks or months since it ended.

They may have started to spend more time with friends, and family and perhaps doing things that they didn’t feel like doing before. If so, this will have probably allowed them to experience more ‘positive’ feelings.

External Feedback

When it comes to the conversations that they have had with others about this area of their life, they may have often been told that they are simply unlucky. Along with this, they may have been told on numerous occasions that they deserve better.

Thanks in part to what they have been told, they could hope that their luck will soon change and that they will meet someone who treats them how they deserve to be treated. Additionally, they may have also come to the conclusion that they need to raise their ‘self-esteem’.

The Outcome

To do this, they could end up using affirmations and positive thoughts in order to feel better about themselves. Furthermore, they could make a number of changes to their appearance, with them having a new haircut, exercising and buying different clothes.

As a result of this, they could end up coming to believe that they are now radically different to how they were before. Still, although they will have made a lot of changes, they could still end up with someone who is just as abusive.

A Few Steps Forward

Now, assuming that this was to happen and they are able to call it a day before long, they could, in addition to feeling very low, feel pretty helpless and hopeless. They will have felt better about themselves before and done a number of the right things and yet, the outcome will have been the same.

Considering this, it is to be expected that they wouldn’t be in a good way. One thing that they could conclude is that someone or something ‘out there’ is holding them back or punishing them, for instance.

A Different Angle

What is perfectly clear is that they don’t want their life to be this way and it is not serving them. Also, they don’t deserve to be treated in this way and deserve to be with someone that can value and love them.

Nonetheless, even though they don’t want their life to be this way, it doesn’t mean that they are not playing a part in what is taking place. This is not to say that they are consciously playing a part in what is going on.

Two Parts

Said another way, they have an unconscious mind as well as a conscious mind and it is this other part of them that is likely to be causing them to continually end up with people that are not right for them. What took place during their formative years may shed light on why this part of them would cause them to be unconsciously pulled to people who will mistreat them.

At this stage of their life, they may have been brought up by at least one parent that mistreated them, with this being a time when they felt worthless, unlovable and helpless, among other things. To allow them to function and keep it together, this pain and their developmental need to be loved would have been repressed by their brain.

The same old Story

This stage of their life will be over, of course, but a big part of them will still be trying to meet their unmet developmental need to be loved. Yet, it won’t matter that this stage of their life is over and another person is not their parent as this part will pull them towards someone that will treat them in a way that is very similar to how their parent treated them.

Therefore, as was the case before, they will be trying to be loved by someone that is unable to love them. And, just like before, they will be deeply wounded and deprived of what they need.

Drawing the line

For them to truly put the past behind them, it will be essential for them to face and work through this pain. This is something that will take courage and patience and persistence.


If someone can relate to this and they are ready to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

Author's Bio: 

Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, inner child and inner awareness. With over three thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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