​If someone has the inclination to end up in relationships that are not very fulfilling or are even abusive, it can be normal for them to experience pain. Also, as a result of what keeps taking place, they can come to see themselves as unlucky.

This area of their life is then going to be more or less out of their control, meaning that there will be very little that they can do about it. Due to having this outlook, they may even have moments when they will feel like a victim.

External Support

What one may find, if they have this outlook, is that there are plenty of people in their life who validate their view. A number of their friends, for instance, could also be in a similar position.

They can then get together and talk about how unfortunate they are and wonder when their luck is going to change. There is then going to be very little that they can do, as what is going on ‘out there’ will be what needs to change.

Popular Culture

The view that someone is just an observer of this area of their life and doesn’t play a part is something that is put forward in films and TV series. Someone can just seem to end up in a bad relationship.

And, as this is what is typically presented by the entertainment industry, it’s not much of a surprise that so many people have this view. The trouble with this view is that is not exactly empowering.

A Hopeless Place

Through having this outlook, one could end up feeling extremely jealous of people who are in fulfilling relationships. It might seem as though these people have something they themselves done have.

If this is so, one could believe that there is absolutely no chance that this area of their life will ever change. The pain that they experience in this area of their life could end up impacting every other area of their life.

Two Levels

But even if ones conscious mind believes that they are unlucky and are even a victim, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. Yet, in order for one to find out why this area of their life is the way it is, they will most likely need to go deep within themselves.

The reason for this is that there is what is taking place in their conscious mind and there is also what is taking place in their unconscious mind. What is taking place in the latter has a far bigger effect than what is taking place in the former.


When one understands this they will realise that they are not a victim, which will allow them to see that they do have control over this area of their life. The downside is that when one is not aware of how another part of them is impacting their life, it will be perfectly normal for them to feel powerless.

It will seem as though something out there is holding them back; when in reality, it will be what is taking place within them that is holding them back. What this emphasises is how important self-knowledge is when it comes to living a fulfilling life.

Totally Overlooked

Perhaps the main reason why one will lack self-knowledge is because this is not something that the education system touches upon. In general, the whole purpose of this system is to indoctrinate people, not to allow them to develop a better connection with their own being.

During this time, then, one would have most likely been taken even further away from themselves, not closer. Self-knowledge is something that one will have to develop by themselves; no one else is going to do it for them.

The Priority

When it comes to the unconscious mind, this part of them will only want to experience things that are associated as being familiar. To this part of them, what is familiar is what is classed as safe.

Therefore, this part doesn’t care if something is empowering or fulfilling, for instance, it only cares about having experiences that are familiar. Taking this into account, it is not hard to see why someone can end up suffering when they are out of touch with this part of their being.

Two Needs

So, while one can consciously want to be with someone who will treat the well, another part of them can have the need to be with someone who won’t. To their unconscious mind, the part of them that has the biggest effect, what can feel safe is being around someone who is abusive.

Alternatively, one may want to be with someone who is emotionally available, yet being with someone who isn’t might be what feel safe deep down. Being unaware of what is taking place at a deeper level will be like walking around in the dark; whereas when one is aware it will be as though a light has been switched on.

Back In Time

The reason why being with someone who is abusive or emotionally unavailable can be what feels safe can be due to what took place during their formative years. This time in their life would have most likely laid the foundations for who they would be drawn to as an adult.

Fortunately, once they are aware of what is going on, they will be able to do something about it. So, while it can be hard for one to accept that they are not simply an observer of what is going on, at least they will be able to embrace their own power.


If can relate to this, and that they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Author's Bio: 

Teacher, prolific writer, author, and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over two thousand in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/

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