Relationships and Conflict of Expectations

Has your girl friend ever said this: “What does it take to get him to change” ?  Or have you received advice from a friend saying:  “You just need to train him how you want him to be”?  As a Relationship Coach and the Heart Protector of Women I want to tackle the topic of trying to change someone.

When a man falls in love with a woman he believes that she will always look, feel, behave and think the same for the rest of her life.  He has no idea that this expectation is absurd.  If you’re a woman reading this you probably are laughing out loud wondering how in the world could anyone ever think such a thing.  

When a woman gets into a relationship she expects to change the man.  She will entertain ideas of how to change the way he communicates, dresses, spends his free time and his money.  When guys get an inkling of this, they are incredulous and think “Why in the world are you going out with me if you want me to be somebody else”?

Because women are geared toward change, they tend to think everyone is.  Women change their hair cuts, hair color, clothing styles, taste in movies, perfumes, favorite restaurants and their minds constantly.  Men are happy to have the same hair cut, cologne and clothes til they die.  How many of you remember your father, uncle or male friend who wore the same sweater and ate the same scrambled eggs with toast and orange juice every single day for decades?  See my point?  

Guys don’t like change.  They want to know that their socks are in the top left drawer and their pocket change is on top of the dresser.  Men feel stable and secure when things don’t change on them and they feel suspicious of any woman who is trying to change them.

How would you feel if the man in your life kept trying to change you?  What would it do to your self esteem if he came home telling you to dress like the girl at his office, or cook like the hottie down the hall?  How would it affect your heart to hear him tell his buddies how he wished you would lose weight, gain weight, or color your hair?  I know women probably mean well to help their man in areas where he may be lacking, but trying to change him will usually backfire.

If this has been a pattern in your life there is hope for change!  And since women love change may I offer this recommendation.  Ask yourself if you can celebrate your man for who he his; physically, emotionally, mentally and relationally without ever trying to change him. If you can not bear the thought that this man may never change, then walk out now.  It’s not worth the time and frustration to yourself and it’s not fair to him.  Healthy relationships are based on unconditional love.