In order to have a relationship with someone it is important that they are actually available. And although this can seem like a normal and an obvious thing to expect, it is not always the case for some people.

For them, it can seem as though it is impossible to attract someone into their life who is available. Where they meet these people and what they look like may well be different, but the experience is typically the same.

A bit like the film groundhog hog day, where the same scenario plays out over and over again and therefore leads to the same results. And this can be experienced in many different forms.


One could meet another person and get to a certain stage and then they are just not willing to go further. It could also be experienced through being attracted to people who are unavailable in other ways.

Perhaps one is constantly drawn to people who are married or in a relationship already or to people who work oversees for most of the year and even those who explicitly say that they don’t want a relationship.


Through going over the kind of people that one is attracted to, there will often be a pattern that begins to appear. It could be that one ends up going for people who are married or say they don’t want more.

This could also be something that is less clear and more subtle. And this mean that one will have to make a note or just reflect on what the people have been like who they have gone for in the past or are going for at this moment.

The Story

What the mind will do through experiencing these situations is come up with all kinds of reason as to why this is happening. And these meanings will often become the truth and why something is happening.

These will naturally vary from person to person and there can also be general meanings, such as:

· That one is unlovable

· That one is unworthy

· That one doesn’t deserve a relationship

· That one is a victim

· That one has no control

· That one is powerless

· That one is hopeless

A Deeper Look

And based on what one is experiencing through attracting unavailable people, these meanings will be rational conclusions to make. To the mind, everything is external and as a result of this, one is therefore a victim and powerless to change anything.

Even though these meanings will make sense and match what is going on, they are only the tip of the iceberg. And as one begins to dig a little deeper and to see what is going on beneath the story, something else will soon appear.

The Ego Mind

At one level the mind has the story and all the reasons why something is not happening and at a deeper level are the real reasons. It is here that the ego mind has formed associations around what is familiar and therefore safe.

This is often classed as secondary gain. What this means, it that although one can complain about not having something, on a deeper level it is because they is a benefit to not getting it. The benefit is often unconscious and out of one’s conscious awareness.

Here the ego will have created associations that it is not safe to have someone who is available. And this is sabotaging ones true need to attract someone who is.

It’s Comfortable

The reason one is attracted to people who are unavailable is because it feels comfortable. This is why it happens over and over again. If it didn’t feel right on some level, then it wouldn’t take place.

To have someone who is available is likely to create fear and this is often due to how one was cared for as a child. These moments play a pivotal role in the type of person that one is attracted to.

If ones caregivers were: unavailable, aloof, neglectful or distant for example, then this can lead to one only feeling safe when there is some kind of distance. And as this feels safe, one will feel uncomfortable when people get close to them.


It can be easy to get caught up in the drama and to look outside for reasons why something is not working. And yet if this is something that is continually happening to someone, then it is beneficial to look within.

This can be done with the help of a coach or a therapist. It will depend on how much of a challenge this is for someone and if they feel they can take care of it themselves or if they need some outside assistance.

Author's Bio: 

My name is Oliver J R Cooper and I have been on a journey of self awareness for over nine years and for many years prior to that I had a natural curiosity.

For over two years, I have been writing articles. These cover psychology and communication. This has also lead to poetry.

One of my intentions is to be a catalyst to others, as other people have been and continue to be to me. As well as writing articles and creating poetry, I also offer personal coaching. To find out more go to -

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