Relationship Goals

Goals often fall into one of two camps – they focus on doing something or they focus on changing feelings. We might not exactly recognize it as such and often times we don’t word the goals in a productive manner. This prevents us from changing the parts we have control over and not wasting energy on the parts that we have little or no control over.

Let’s explore the goal of "I'm going to work on my relationship with my mother."

While this sounds like a lovely and admirable goal...looking at it through my "coach glasses" it's not very well defined and so knowing when success has been reached will be difficult. In some respects we're always working on relationships. (Except when we recognize kindred spirits and enter into relationship with them. Those relationships do not require work - that's the joy - they flow effortlessly.)

So....I always like to encourage clients to state goals in the present tense. If you're writing it down, you're already working on it. A big shift (with even bigger results) is to recognize that thinking about our actions and envisioning them in perfection before beginning to act has significant impact.

The way the goal is presently stated...it's not clear whether the mother is actively involved in this goal or is the passive recipient. Is there a pact to speak on the phone weekly? Has each person made a promise to meet for tea twice a month? Perhaps the client means that he/she is going to spend energy towards this relationship - in other words, change his/her thoughts or behaviors around the relationship.

If the mother is involved and the pact is to speak on the phone weekly, then more appropriate goals might be "allocate 1 hour each week to speak on the phone with mom" or "schedule weekly phone call with mom" or "call mom on Thursday evening." These goals are specific and measurable. If they have agreed to speak weekly and nobody sets a day and time and nobody calls, then the goal won't get accomplished. Or, what if you call and leave a voicemail and mom doesn't get back to you? Intentions are not actions.

If the mother is not an active participant in this goal, then what does "work on" really mean? When this is defined very specifically, then ideas about how to approach it will become clear.

For example, perhaps the goal is really "don't react when mom criticizes." Okay...if you're not going to react, then what will you do? Respond? Day dream? Ignore her? Maybe you'll have a list of Safe Topics To Talk About With Mom and deflect the criticism by launching into a new topic.

Most people choose to "work on relationship" because they don't like how they feel when engaging with a person. If this is true, then choosing some feelings around this goal are key. Although "ignore mom's criticism and start a new topic" is perfectly reasonable - if there is anger and shame when completing that goal, then has the underlying desire really been met? If this was your goal, would you really feel satisfied?

As a coach, I would pick up on this and this is when I would gently ask, "what would you like to feel when you do this?"

Then I'd ask "and where in your body will you feel that?" This is another key question. Most people know where they feel anger, guilt and shame. It's that knot in your stomach. That clenched throat. The headache between your eyes. Those physical symptoms are clues about what emotions are in play. It works in reverse as well. If you want to change the subject with a feeling of freedom and independence, then you need to know where you feel freedom and independence. Maybe it's in your chest. So, then the goal becomes "feel free and independent as I ignore mom's criticism and change the topic" or "notice the expansion in my chest as I ignore mom's criticism and change the topic." Can you see how different that is from "ignore mom's criticism and change the topic"?

Look at your list of To Dos for the coming week. See if there are any which might benefit from being stated with more specificity. Notice if some have emotional components which are really the reason for wanting to make the change.