Nurturing the Village Children

Who would do this to a child?

In observations I made in my life, in my work and community I have noted many examples of behaviour towards children that can only be described as bullying. The families are not from those labelled as ‘problem families’ although they may have problems and challenges that they are facing at the time. Usually, they are ordinary people trying to do a good job as parents with little awareness that their behaviour is so detrimental to the child, or children, they love.
In today’s society there is pressure on both parents to follow a new set of rules, though few seem to agree on what these are. It seems you have to be a more than competent breadwinner giving your kids an exceptionally high standard of living and, at the same time, always be at home for your children.
You are urged to be a hands-on dad reading the bed-time story yet have to work all the hours God gives to maintain all the gadgets that the advertisers tell you your family can’t get by without.
You have to look good, be a nutrition expert and a yummy mummy but, of course you have to do your part and bring in the extra income that gives you all the luxuries you have come to regard as basic family needs, today.
Your kids are expected to behave respectfully and be free and creative at the same time. You are watching out for paedophiles round every corner, too many video games, who is texting what to whom, what are they watching, downloading listening to? Should they have facebook, a mobile phone, that latest killing game? Is school good enough and teaching them what they need? Are classes too disruptive? Are they being bullied, led astray by the wrong peer group? Bullying others? Do they fit in? Have they the right clothes? Bag? Trainers? Are we too fashion conscious or not enough? How do we pay for it all anyway?
It was hard enough to be a parent in the fifties, when family relationships were much more stable and schools were populated by the same children who played on your street. It is little wonder parents are feeling confused and bewildered, today.
I don’t think bullying is restricted to any particular class or nationality. It may well be found less in some cultures than in others but I am certain that no culture is completely free from this. Across different classes, incomes and cultural influences, the words used to berate will be different, the tone used will change. Some bullying behaviour will be quite blatently public, others safely hidden behind closed doors. The effects however will be the same. A child’s happiness spoiled and the probability that his or her life will be lived with far less abundance than it should be.

Part 2
What Kind of Parent Are You.

The bible is pretty quiet generally on parenting but this quote reminds us that the way we treat children is considered very important. “It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones”. [Luke 17:2]
If you have never seen a millstone, go and find one. They were used absolutely everywhere and there is often one on display on local walks. Believe me they are very big and extremely heavy. The wisdom of Luke’s words lies in the metaphor. I truly believe that parents, who are abusive to their children, will know it on some level and that the millstone weight of guilt will be there for a very long time. I want to be completely open about this issue and keep that pain to a minimum by creating a culture that flags up these issues before they become this painful.
The first challenge for a parent is to accept that something is wrong and take responsibility for changing it. There is something very vulnerable about being a parent that creates the need to believe or pretend that everything is just fine when it patently is not. On the other hand, some parents who are doing a great job feel terrible and constantly question their skills. How can we know which type of parent we are? The obvious answer is to be absolutely brutally truthful about it. Here are some questions that will throw up areas where you, or someone you know, might need to make changes.
Questionnaire for Parents
1) How often do you have to tell your child off?
a) Once in a blue moon, she/he really is very good most of the time.
b) A few times per week.
c) A few times per day
d) Constantly, he/she is always doing something annoying.
2) When you tell your child off, which is most often the case?
a) I am easy going and give in rather than cause a fuss.
b) I am calm but assertive and my child is clear about which actions have been unacceptable. The rules have been discussed and she/he has been pre-warned about the consequences of repeating these actions.
c) I can ignore a lot of bad behaviour but sometimes I just have to step in and start shouting.
d) I am very angry and he/she knows it.
3) What language do you use when telling your child off?
a) I moan a lot and point out how much I have done for him/her and how little appreciation I get for all I have done.
b) I treat children the same as anyone else; with respect.
c) I lose my temper, shout and may even swear.
d) I criticize, belittle and use sarcasm.
4) What happens afterwards?
a) I get my child something nice to make up for making him/her upset.
b) I expect an apology and once any punishment is carried out, that is the end of the matter.
c) I keep lecturing so that she/he really gets the message and won’t do it again.
d) I watch what my child is getting up to next and keep reminding him/her that they are in trouble.

If you answered mostly a:- You are probably storing up trouble for yourself and your children in the future. Children need their parents to set clear boundaries for behaviour, otherwise the world is a very confusing and quite a scary place. Children cannot understand rules when there are no consequences for breaking them. If you tell them to pick up their things but they are still left lying around at the end of the day, your words meant nothing. If you tell them to pick up their things and they know there is always going to be a consequence when they don’t do it, they learn that you are in charge. That is a very safe way for things to be for a child. If there are sometimes consequences, sometimes not, depending on your mood at the time, you are teaching your child simply to be aware of your moods. This is quite difficult to learn and makes life at home a lot more stressful for the child. When you follow a punishment with a gift, you are also training them to believe that standing up for what is right is dangerous and could lead to being unloved and left out. They may grow up to be adult ‘people pleasers’. These are people who are afraid to have an opinion or say ‘No’ because they live in fear that they will lose friends and loved ones if they do. Chapter x may help you to use the love you have for your children to create a healthier relationship with them.
If you answered mostly b:- You are doing pretty well and your children will almost certainly grow up to have good self-esteem and respect for you and other people. You set the rules fairly, within the capacity of each child, and you make sure they are clear and well understood. When they are broken you are just as consistent and fair with the punishments. Punishment is never harsh or violent. It might mean losing a toy or treat or even a star on a chart. The main thing is not the actual punishment but the parent’s consistency and tone as it is carried out.
If you answered mostly c:- Your home life could probably benefit from picking up some extra skills, Chapter x looks at some parenting skills and methods which would help create a happier environment for you and your child.
If you answered mostly d:- You are very honest and probably already realise you need to make some serious changes to your parenting methods. In Chapter x we look at the underlying issues and take steps to change as a matter of urgency for your child.