Not Happy In Marriage But Have A Child: Unhappily Married With Children

Almost every relationship/partnership experiences bad times. You could canvass all your friends and learn that almost every day there are reasons to end their marriage, file for divorce, and leave the country.

Every person for time everlasting will encounter times of anger, heart ache, loneliness, and disillusionment. It's called life. However, you have two options in the case of irrevocable differences - learn to change the situation or leave the situation - each option requires hard choices.

Mistakes we make when we haven't done our homework or we haven't laid out the ground rules and formed boundaries.

-What baggage came with you and your partner when you formed your union?

Did you and your partner sit down and talk about how your life together would work for you once you were a couple? Did either of you consider how your past was going to affect your future - most people don't look at these things. They fall in love thinking everything will work out, nothing works out without hard work. Nothing.

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-Were you aware of how much time your relationship was going to require?

It is so hard sometime to realize that being together isn't all you wanted in life. You had a life before your relationship began, but you weren't aware of how much time you would have to spend together making decisions, working at couple things, caring for each other and/or your kids. Some days it is just overwhelming how much you have to invest in making your life work.

-Do you worry about how to be close but not smothering each other?

What so often takes place is that men and women forget that they are two people, not one. They each have a life that is separate from the other - you simply can't do everything together. It's stupid to even think you can. Being close requires setting boundaries - knowing what works for you and how to achieve intimacy without identity theft. How many times in the past month have you laughed together, laughed at yourself? Look for ways to reconnect.

"He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he didn't know where he ended and she began." Leo Tolstoy

This is what happens when you don't know who you are anymore.

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It has been said that timely advice is as lovely as golden apples in a silver basket. (Proverbs 25:11 LB) This time of year apples are seen in the farmers' markets and grocery stores. As we see the lovely apples, we are reminded of the adage that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. This is good advice in marriage. If apples are associated with the characteristics of marriages, more may be successful. Families may not be cut up in separation and divorce.

Golden apples are considered very valuable and rare in some societies. Marriage is like the golden apple because it is very valuable. Successful marriages-those that last until the death of a spouse-are very rare. When couples take their wedding vows, they should make a commitment to make their marriage permanent. Like an apple pie that may not turn out right the first time, newly married couples should try and try again until they resolve their problems. When cooking or working with apples, a cook can adapt different kinds to different recipes.

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In marriage, couples need to adapt to changing jobs, health status or different family situations. They need to discuss the situations and talk about the affects on the family unit. As they talk to one another, they should also communicate with God. Just as there are different varieties of apples, so are there different ways to show love. One spouse may like hugs and kisses while another may want words or understanding. Observing how the marriage partner expresses emotions will help the other partner to meet intimate needs. A cook must work to make an apple pie; so it is in marriage. Couples must work to make their marriages successful. Marriage partners need attention every day. A happy and successful marriage is more desirable than even a golden apple in a silver basket.

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While marriage problems often drive many Christian couples to take a detour on their marriage vows, Christian women have a responsibility to consider many options before choosing to get a divorce. Marriage problems often become emotionally draining to women, which can push them to receive the negative words and perspectives of others. For this reason, if we're not careful, we can become bitter and cynical about marriage, and ultimately make the unwise decision to divorce.

As women, we often become vulnerable to sharing our problems with anyone who will listen and seemingly show compassion. While it's not a sin to share your heart with other people, you should be mindful of your listeners because many people will influence you to make improper decisions about your marriage.

In fact, here are some people you should absolutely refuse to share your marriage problems with under any circumstances. People who you should stay away from when you want to open up to about your marriage problems include:

- Divorced and single girlfriends.

- Other women who are also experiencing marriage problems.

- Men such as co-workers, ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, fellow ministry workers, friends, acquaintances on Internet social networks, etc.

- Family and friends who don't have your best interest at heart.

- Mere strangers.

Nevertheless, while there are some people who you shouldn't talk to about your marriage, there are some people who you can talk to when you're discouraged and confused about what to do next.

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Here are the following individuals:

1) God-Jesus Christ is the first Person you should talk to about your marriage problems. Why? 1 Peter 5:7 tells us to cast our cares upon Him because He cares for us. Before you even knew the Lord as your personal Savior, He was madly in love with you, (Jeremiah 31:3). God wants you to discuss what's on your heart and mind. He created you and He recognizes that you are frustrated and hurting.

You can go to God and get real with Him anytime during the day. God is always available for a good conversation, and He hears your prayers. While you may not get an immediate response to every comment you make or every question you ask, you can be sure that your secrets are safe with Him. Also, I'm a firm believer that when you seek to get closer to God, He will do the same with you, (James 4:8).

As a side note, find some Bible-based Christian marriage books related to the specific issues you're facing. I recommend books such as:

- "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman

- "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas

- "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn

- "Your Money Map" by Howard Lape Dayton

Study the Scriptures in the book(s) so you can get God's perspective and apply it to your marriage.

2) Talk to Yourself. - Do this only when you are able to start saying what God says about you, your husband, and your marriage. Begin quoting and applying the Scriptures that you feel the Lord is impressing on your heart, and then expect to see good things manifested in your marriage over time.

3) Your Husband. - If you're experiencing marriage problems, then he is definitely a person you should talk to about them. However, there is a proper way to address your husband. I definitely recommend talking with the first two people before you go to your husband. You don't want to be negative or rude towards your husband because doing this will only cause more problems for your relationship. Prayer and confessing God's Word into your heart can prepare you to express yourself to your husband in an effective and loving way.

Here are some things to consider when talking with your husband:

a) Refuse to go your husband playing the blame game.

b) Go to him with an open mind and heart. You can begin your conversation by sharing a positive comment about something that he has recently done.

You could start with a statement such as:

"Thank you for taking _____ (fill in the blank with your child's name), out today. It gave me some time to get some things done."

OR

"I appreciate you giving me some time to sleep in today. I really needed the rest."

OR

"Thank you for buying me __________." (fill in the blank with whatever he bought you that day)

c) Take responsibility for your actions by apologizing to your husband with a sincere heart. At this point you want to share with your husband where you went wrong in the conflict(s) you've been having with him.

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d) Give your husband a few moments to think, process, and respond to the information you just shared. Observe his mannerisms, and if he chooses to respond then listen, listen, and listen some more!

e) Lastly, you can share your feelings and how you have been hurt or offended. You could use a statement(s) such as:

"I felt _____when you___________"

Ex. _ "I felt hurt when you didn't introduce me to your co-workers today."

OR you could use the statement:

"I feel _____________________________after_____________________________. It would help if you could__________________________________."

"I feel overwhelmed after being home all day with the kids. It would help if you could take the kids for a half hour sometime during the evening."

A lot of times conflict arises not because of what we say, but because of how and when we say it.

Be considerate of your husband's mannerisms and the times when he is most receptive. (For instance, don't try to talk to him when he first gets home from work. He needs time to detox from his long day.) Also, understand that you may not be able to share everything with him all at once; but if you can encourage your husband to talk a little, then savor the moment! Maybe the next day or week, he'll share some more and you can begin to establish an environment of wholesome conversation and intimacy. Who knows? Doing these things could eliminate most of your marriage problems! In fact, if these things work, then you won't need to talk to the next two people.

4) A trusted Christian female friend who has been happily married for a significant number of years. In this case you want to be prayerful! Ask God to connect you with the right woman who has a godly marriage. Begin to watch people and trust God to send you the best person. This person should be able to listen, and if they give advice, it should be based on the principles of God's Word; not their opinion.

Don't choose a person based on the outward appearance, because often what seems to be wonderful could be a nightmare in reality. This is why you want to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit when selecting a person to discuss your marriage problems with. Then once God shows you who the person is, I still wouldn't recommend you sharing everything. Some things should be kept between you, your husband, and God.

5) A Marriage Counselor. If your marriage problems go beyond the scope of talking to your husband or a trusted friend, then you should prayerfully consider seeking out a professional licensed Christian marriage counselor. This could be your Pastor if they are licensed in marriage counseling or a counselor in private practice. While some people don't believe that marriage counseling is necessary, it may be the unbiased professional advice you need to get your marriage back on track. God will honor your decision to try to make your marriage work as you seek out a marriage counselor. Your ultimate goal should be for both you and your husband to go to marriage counseling together; however, many experts suggest that you get counseling if necessary, even if you must go alone. Some of the things you learn, (if implemented properly into the marriage), could be the essential items you need to help you work through your marriage problems

While you will experience problems in your marriage, it's always wise to be mindful of whom you talk to during your trials. As women, we can allow our marriage problems to push us to choose divorce prematurely, when God has so many other ways for us to restore our hearts back to our husbands. God is the first and foremost Person you should consult. He loves you and wants to help you. When you're ready to speak God's Word over your marriage, you can start talking to yourself. Your husband is another important person you should talk to, if you're able to approach him in a loving manner. Always be mindful of setting the proper atmosphere in order for him to communicate and share his honest feelings with you. However, if you do need to talk to another human being, you can talk to a trusted happily married Christian woman who is wise and has been married for a significant number of years. Lastly, if you feel that you need to go further in working through your marriage problems, you should seek out a professional counselor. Through God's grace, He will lead you to the person who can give you the tools you need to keep your marriage on track and ultimately help you to overcome your marriage problems.

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Christians divorce as much as non-Christians. Regardless of whether or not you wanted your divorce, one of the most difficult things to deal with is being alone. Here are some things you can do to cope better with your "alone time."

View this as an opportunity to develop a "new you." There are parts of yourself that you have lost in your marriage because you blended your life with your spouse. Re-energize the parts of you that weren't fully developed due to circumstances that defined and limited you in the marriage. You have options open to you now that weren't available to you before. Some of these are:

1. Finding new friendships, social groups, support groups and activities. You can be involved in things that you didn't have time for before and which your spouse wasn't interested in. Rediscover your passions and interests.

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2. Finding a new vocation. Go back to college to finish a degree you started or start on a new degree. This might have to be at a slow pace, depending on your circumstances, but time will pass anyway. In five or ten years, would you like to have that degree or not?

3. Looking at going back to work as an adventure. You can develop parts of yourself that you haven't utilized. You can feel good about your achievements and accomplishments. We are empowered when we feel good about what we do and have a purpose. Challenge yourself to do something you haven't tried before.

4. Dating is an option when you are ready and the possibility of a great relationship can be in your future. View this as a chance to figure out what kind of person you would like to spend time with. Keep the focus on whether you like someone and not on whether they like you.

Don't look at "alone time" as negative. There was a time when you coveted time by yourself and wanted more of it. The reason you dread alone time when divorced is that you focus on the fact that you have it because of the divorce. View it positively instead as an opportunity to enjoy your life. Christians do divorce, but God isn't finished with you. He has a purpose for you and wants you to embrace it (Psalm 57:2). Now, there is time to discover it.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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Author's Bio: 

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