When it comes to taxes, you can either laught or cry, so with tongue firmly in cheek, we'll try for some laughter. Unfortunately as you will see, this satire is based on certain sad facts.

NEW YORK STATE’S NEW TAX
Interview with the Commissioner of Taxation for the state of New York

I interviewed New York State Commissioner of Taxation, the Honorable Grabyur Moola shortly after his appointment by newly elected Democratic Governor Mario Cuomo.

Me: “Thank you for seeing us, sir. Our readers have questions about the new tax that is in front of the legislation right now.”

Commissioner: “Fire away, they don’t call me Grabyur Moola for nothing.”

Me: “Okay, can you give us a brief description of the new tax?”

Commissioner: “Sure, every citizen will be required to wear a state provided sensor necklace. The necklace will detect and measure the amount of air passing through the taxpayer’s larynx and the tax will be assessed as per volume.”

Me: “You’re going to tax the very air that we breathe? Isn’t that harsh?”

Commissioner: “Certainly not, at least not for New York State. We already have precedents.”

Me: “Precedents?”

Commissioner: “Sure. We tax the food you eat, the clothes you wear, through the sales tax, we tax the money you earn by means of the income tax, we tax the roads you drive on and public transportation by gasoline taxes and the MTA tax, and if the legislation had only passed the so-called suppository tax, we would have taxed…”

Me: “Never mind.”

Commissioner: “Okay, then.”

Me: “So how did you figure out this tax, did you study the possibilities, ran analysis?

Commissioner: “Better, we studied it very carefully on fact finding trips.”

Me: “Fact finding?”

Commissioner: “You bet, myself and a dozen legislators went to places like Las Vegas, Hawaii, Paris, Rome, London, the Riviera, spent all kinds of money on meals, champagne, gathered lots of facts, we didn’t just act off the cuff you know.”

Me: “How much did you spend?”

Commissioner: “177 millions.”

Me: How much will the tax bring in?”

Commissioner: “140 millions”

Me: “Isn’t that dumb, losing money on a tax?”

Commissioner: “Not at all, the federal government lost millions on the luxury tax a few years back. (Factual) Besides, how can you put a price on knowledge?”

Me: “I suppose you cant. But isn’t that an unfair tax?”

Commissioner: “Not at all, in fact we expect many positive side effects, especially in public health.”

Me: “I don’t understand, how can a tax on air promote health?”

Commissioner: “Simple, you know every year millions of Americans go to their accountants at tax time and inevitable ask; How can I reduce my taxes? Well the answer is if you’re out of shape, smoke and huff and puff when you climb stairs, you’ll pay more taxes because you’ll be using more air, so if you get in shape, less air used less taxes paid. See the benefits?”

Me: “I think so, but what if you have asthma or some kind of lung disorder?”

Commissioner: “Hey, we’re not heartless, here at the NY Department of taxation. We’ve got a “Wheeze” deduction for people like that.”

Me: “Very generous sir, how will this be enforced?”

Commissioner: “Glad you asked, we created a special department to enforce this tax: Diversified Unilaterally Modified Accounting Summary System.”

Me: “DUMASS?”

Commissioner: “That’s right, you just better believe that if you try to cheat on this tax by holding your breath, or having your little cat wear the air collar instead of you, some DUMASS from the state of NY will come after you.”

Me: “We’ll keep that in mind, sir.”

Author’s note: In reality, there is a Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) tax in New York State. It is supposed to keep the LI Railroad and bus system afloat in the city of New York. It is imposed on all payroll and self-employed individuals in the counties surrounding NY City. Never mind the fact that LI train ticket prices are among the highest in the nation and counties like Suffolk have no bus transit (The MTA bus system in Suffolk, little as it was, has been sold to a private company) so even though these counties receive little to no benefit, all must still pay the tax. What we are left with is taxation with representation by knuckleheads and no benefits for our taxes, a situation that commissioner Grabyur Moola, (if he existed) would dearly love.

On the other hand, New York State and City, the financial center of our nation and perhaps the entire world shows amazing stupidity in handling funds. It took nearly a decade for the NY State lottery to become profitable, (come on, that’s the numbers racket, the Gambino and Genovese mobs in Brooklyn made fortunes with that from the get-go) and recently NY closed OTB (Off Track Betting) parlors because they were losing money. Only NY State could lose money running gambling parlors.
NEW YORK STATE’S NEW TAX
Interview with the Commissioner of Taxation for the state of New York

I interviewed New York State Commissioner of Taxation, the Honorable Grabyur Moola shortly after his appointment by newly elected Democratic Governor Mario Cuomo.

Me: “Thank you for seeing us, sir. Our readers have questions about the new tax that is in front of the legislation right now.”

Commissioner: “Fire away, they don’t call me Grabyur Moola for nothing.”

Me: “Okay, can you give us a brief description of the new tax?”

Commissioner: “Sure, every citizen will be required to wear a state provided sensor necklace. The necklace will detect and measure the amount of air passing through the taxpayer’s larynx and the tax will be assessed as per volume.”

Me: “You’re going to tax the very air that we breathe? Isn’t that harsh?”

Commissioner: “Certainly not, at least not for New York State. We already have precedents.”

Me: “Precedents?”

Commissioner: “Sure. We tax the food you eat, the clothes you wear, through the sales tax, we tax the money you earn by means of the income tax, we tax the roads you drive on and public transportation by gasoline taxes and the MTA tax, and if the legislation had only passed the so-called suppository tax, we would have taxed…”

Me: “Never mind.”

Commissioner: “Okay, then.”

Me: “So how did you figure out this tax, did you study the possibilities, ran analysis?

Commissioner: “Better, we studied it very carefully on fact finding trips.”

Me: “Fact finding?”

Commissioner: “You bet, myself and a dozen legislators went to places like Las Vegas, Hawaii, Paris, Rome, London, the Riviera, spent all kinds of money on meals, champagne, gathered lots of facts, we didn’t just act off the cuff you know.”

Me: “How much did you spend?”

Commissioner: “177 millions.”

Me: How much will the tax bring in?”

Commissioner: “140 millions”

Me: “Isn’t that dumb, losing money on a tax?”

Commissioner: “Not at all, the federal government lost millions on the luxury tax a few years back. (Factual) Besides, how can you put a price on knowledge?”

Me: “I suppose you cant. But isn’t that an unfair tax?”

Commissioner: “Not at all, in fact we expect many positive side effects, especially in public health.”

Me: “I don’t understand, how can a tax on air promote health?”

Commissioner: “Simple, you know every year millions of Americans go to their accountants at tax time and inevitable ask; How can I reduce my taxes? Well the answer is if you’re out of shape, smoke and huff and puff when you climb stairs, you’ll pay more taxes because you’ll be using more air, so if you get in shape, less air used less taxes paid. See the benefits?”

Me: “I think so, but what if you have asthma or some kind of lung disorder?”

Commissioner: “Hey, we’re not heartless, here at the NY Department of taxation. We’ve got a “Wheeze” deduction for people like that.”

Me: “Very generous sir, how will this be enforced?”

Commissioner: “Glad you asked, we created a special department to enforce this tax: Diversified Unilaterally Modified Accounting Summary System.”

Me: “DUMASS?”

Commissioner: “That’s right, you just better believe that if you try to cheat on this tax by holding your breath, or having your little cat wear the air collar instead of you, some DUMASS from the state of NY will come after you.”

Me: “We’ll keep that in mind, sir.”

Author’s note: In reality, there is a Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) tax in New York State. It is supposed to keep the LI Railroad and bus system afloat in the city of New York. It is imposed on all payroll and self-employed individuals in the counties surrounding NY City. Never mind the fact that LI train ticket prices are among the highest in the nation and counties like Suffolk have no bus transit (The MTA bus system in Suffolk, little as it was, has been sold to a private company) so even though these counties receive little to no benefit, all must still pay the tax. What we are left with is taxation with representation by knuckleheads and no benefits for our taxes, a situation that commissioner Grabyur Moola, (if he existed) would dearly love.

On the other hand, New York State and City, the financial center of our nation and perhaps the entire world shows amazing stupidity in handling funds. It took nearly a decade for the NY State lottery to become profitable, (come on, that’s the numbers racket, the Gambino and Genovese mobs in Brooklyn made fortunes with that from the get-go) and recently NY closed OTB (Off Track Betting) parlors because they were losing money. Only NY State could lose money running gambling parlors.

Author's Bio: 

Patrick P. Astre, CFP, EA, RFC

Patrick P. Astre, CFP, EA, RFC is a recognized tax and financial expert specializing on the economic issues of longevity. Patrick is independent and has been advising individuals and corporations since 1969.

Patrick’s second financial book was released in mid-August 2008 by Entrepreneur Media Publishing. It is Entrepreneur’s “cornerstone” retirement book. This is Not Your Parents’ Retirement is all ready one of the top sellers in its field, addressing the convergence of the longevity revolution and the aging baby-boomers, woefully unprepared for retirement.

Patrick has been widely quoted in the national media and his financial articles have appeared in numerous national publications. In addition to his financial books, he is the author of numerous articles as well as fiction thrillers. His novel “The Last Operation” is currently being published by Echelon Press while another thriller, The Artifact won the Salvo Press Mystery Thriller of the year Award for 2004 and was released in July 2005. Blackstone audio has purchased the audio rights and it is now one of their new releases.

Patrick is a professional public speaker and member of the National Speakers Association. His seminars, speeches and keynotes are a lively, enthusiastic mix of entertainment, motivation, humor and unique insights. He uses energy and laughter on the stage, and elicits participation to delight his audiences.

Some of his clients include Celebrity Cruises, John Hancock, Princess Cruises, LIBOR (Long Island Board of Realtors) Passaic Board of Realtors, F & T Life, ING Direct, Emerald Passport International, and many others. He has shared the stage with the likes of Les Brown, Ed Forman, Ross Quinn, Captain Gerald Coffey, and many others. For more information on available programs, please visit his website at www.prosperousboomer.com

Patrick lives in Long Island, New York with his wife Lynn. The couple has two children and two grandchildren.

Patrick P. Astre, CFP, EA, RFC Astre Planning Inc. Ridge, NY
Web URL:www.prosperousboomer.com
Email: patrick_ast@msn.com
Phone: 631-744-9100 Fax: 631-209-0066