My Insecurities Are Ruining My Marriage: How To Deal With Insecurity In A Marriage

Afraid-Of What?

Fear is good at dressing up! It wears Prada, Gucci, thrift and goodwill! No less surprising, fear drives Benz's, BMW's, Chrysler and Kia! It lives in upscale neighborhoods, as well as inner city hoods. Fear doesn't discriminate either! It equally enjoys whites, blacks, Asians and Hispanics too! How does fear do all this? Easily!

Fear is a spirit. II Timothy 1:7 reads,

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

This means that fear is not subject to natural laws of time and space. It can be anywhere and operate through any save the Spirit of God, His Christ and a true Disciple. True Disciples are known by the their love for one another. And John tells us that this kind of perfect love drives out fear.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. (I John 4:18)

Love is the only thing that can destroy fear! Said another way, fear dwells wear love does not! When we do not have love for God, self, or others we are legally available to fear. The spirit of fear uses human beings and will masquerade in anything possessed by those human beings. Fear immobilizes some and mobilizes others.

Richard struggled with fear most of his life. He lives with the constant fear that he will not measure up. According to Richard, he would never make enough, or provide enough. He was 34 and married. His wife, Lori also struggled. However, Lori was feared none would take care of her needs. So sure of this, Lori made a vow never to be in a position in which another was responsible for meeting her needs.

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Richard was afraid that he couldn't and Lori was afraid that he wouldn't. Richard started many things, but seldom followed through to completion. After all, "he couldn't" (finish, or finish well enough to satisfy his responsibilities). Lori refused to wait on Richard. She was convinced he wouldn't. Therefore, why wait? Fear governed their behavior. Richard experienced Lori as competing with his manhood and contending for his position. Lori experienced Richard as insecure and intimidated by her success. Needless to say, they had a problem! It was a Catch-22.

On the one hand, Richard desired more than anything to provide and care for his wife. But he didn't believe he could. On the other hand Lori desperately wanted Richard to take care of her, but believed he wouldn't. Worse still, the 15-year history of their marriage proved each of them right!

Unfortunately, counseling took a contractual approach that emphasized behavior changes needed by each. It worked for a while. It just never seemed to last. Residue of old behavior inevitably would thwart small gains made. Five counselors later, I met Richard and Lori. They were a respectable couple. They had 3 children. They worked. They went to church. Richard helped as an usher. Lori sang on the choir. They presented well spoken and with shared values. Richard was well liked. Lori often praised for her efficiency. They shared past counseling experiences and their hope for a better relationship between them.

I ask why each was afraid. I wanted to know what happened that lodged Richard's deep-seated belief that he couldn't provide (you name it) and Lori's that no one would provide (you name it). Almost on cue, Richard recalled his father often repeating that he would never amount to anything. He gave up trying. Instead, he discovered that when he was pleasing to others he got what he desired. He worked at being pleasing, rather than being responsible.

Lori best remembers the applause received for her performance. Whether in school or on the soccer field Lori's high achievements won approval from her parents and admiration from peers. It made it easy for Lori to downplay and escape the pain of not feeling loved and cared about as a person. For Lori, her feelings of self-worth rose and fell based on performance.

At first, Richard admired Lori's performance and results. Then he condemned them as empty of care and concern for him. At first he enjoyed the benefits of her being responsible. He received the benefit of being taken care of and all he had to do was please Lori. It was easy! He was good at it. And it worked, at least for a while. That is, until her over-responsible behavior exposed his irresponsible behavior. Increasingly, in Lori's words Richard heard his father. Richard feared Lori would also abandon him.

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Initially, Lori was enticed by Richard's attention to her. It pleased her greatly. Then she condemned his desire to be with her as an avoidance of responsibility. At first, Lori felt like someone really cared about her as a person! Ceasing from work long enough to be with the man that attended to her exclusively was like ice cream and cake. As far as Lori was concerned, it couldn't get much better than this. That is, until Richard's attention exposed her unwillingness to be fully present. She fear Richard would reject her, just like her parents did.

So here we are. Richard believes that being liked by Lori and others is equivalent to being respected. Lori believes that performance equals love and approval. Both are deceived. Each has what the other needs. Both are in non-traditional gender roles and upside down in marriage. Counseling aimed at gender and martial roles would fall on deaf ears at this point.

Each needs to trade deception for truth. Richard would benefit by understanding that the respect he desires from Lori and others is earned by performance. To Richard, I say: "Up your game!" Lori would do well to embrace the truth that love and acceptance cannot be earned by performance. They are bestowed by the sovereign will and actions of another.

These represent heart changes that must take place. The work ahead of Richard and Lori is heart-work. Each is responsible for his heart and work. And while they may enjoy brief moments of engaging in this work simultaneously, the better part of it must be accomplished alone. In John 21:22, Peter was concerned about another disciple's responsibility to change. Jesus replied to Peter this way,

"If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow Me."

This was right after Jesus questioned Peter 3 times about whether or not Peter loved Him. Perhaps irritated by Jesus repeating the question, Peter told Jesus that He knew all things. Then Jesus spoke these words to Peter in verse 18:

"Most assuredly, I say to you, when you were younger, you girded yourself and walked where you wished; but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will gird you and carry you where you do not wish."

Our spouses bring us to places that we had long given up going for better or worse. They bring us face to face with that which we fear the most. God allows this. God does not intend to destroy us. Rather, God desires to deliver us from fear. Moreover, by doing so God enables us to fulfill our unique purposes and enjoy one another in the process! Lori brought Richard face to face with his fear of responsibility and abandonment. Richard brought Lori face to face with her fear of intimacy and rejection.

This God ordained place provides the greatest opportunity for their hearts to change. When their hearts change, Richard and Lori's minds can change. And when their minds change, their behavior can change-for good!

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Lack of communication can be the cause of much marital strife. Usually described as irreconcilable differences, that is all that is needed in most states to initiate a divorce. Better communication can be the best way to save your marriage, so let's talk about that.

Many times when a marriage is in trouble we visualize two people arguing and screaming at each other, but that is not always the case. Often there is just too much silence and can be accompanied by a lack of acknowledgment that problems and differences exist.

So by increasing the quality as well as the quantity of communication between spouses we can often save a marriage before or after divorce proceedings are initiated.

Here are 6 tips to better communication in your marriage:

1.) Reserve time for proper communication. This can be after work but before dinner, perhaps while the children are occupied with homework. Make it a priority of 1 in your life.

2.) When your partner is speaking, you need to be listening and not just thinking of what you want to say when you get your turn.

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3.) See if you can determine what things are a real annoyance to your spouse. If you really want to impress him or her, use a notepad and write down what you can do to reduce or eliminate what annoys them.

4.) Stay in touch with your partners life. You don't have to share the same hobbies but it certainly helps if you find out what they enjoy and, if possible, plan together time around activities they like. Find out enough about that hobby or interest to at least converse intelligently about it.

5.) Be slow to judge him or her. Make sure you understand what they are saying and make a note of it to think about later. Quick, harsh response are sure to do more harm than good.

6.) You want to be open and honest. This will encourage your partner to do the same. Suspicion of secrets is a wedge that drives married couples apart.

With a little bit of work, we really can save your marriage under most circumstances. But it may require a little change on your part.

Remember to open your mouth for constructive communication and keep it closed when thinking of criticism or hurtful jabs.

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When people get married, they only think of love and happiness and growing old together. They don't think that they will end up getting a divorce - if they did, chances are they wouldn't get married in the first place. However, sometimes there are things that happen in a marriage or problems which can lead to divorce. This article discusses the different typical marriage problems that lead to divorce and how you can stop them from destroying your marriage.

Boredom

Now, that's a terrible thought, isn't it? Sadly - it's true. New research has come to light which suggests that humans are 'wired' to stay with the same mate for around 7 years before moving on to another mate. (As if we didn't have enough to worry about already, right?) Don't let it worry you too much, though - love can overcome anything. There are many different ways that you can keep your marriage from becoming boring for you and your spouse. Be spontaneous, do things just to do them and throw away the rule book sometimes. Schedule days off of work so the both of you can just stay home and in bed all day, do things that make you laugh together and never lose your sense of humor. When you need inspiration, look at couples who have been together for 20, 40 and even 60 years and that are still madly in love!

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Finances

Finances are also another way that marriages often fail. Money is the most coveted thing on earth but it can lead to the destruction of your marriage if you're not careful. One thing you and your spouse can do is sit down and determine a budget and a plan for your finances. Whether you put your money together in the 'our' bank or you keep things separate, determine where the money will go, what will be left over and agree on where extra money will be spent. Having a financial plan and sticking to it can help resolve and prevent a lot of financial problems.

Infidelity

One of the most difficult things in the world to deal with, infidelity is also the leading cause of divorce among married couples. While you can only control your own actions, there may be things you can do to keep infidelity from sneaking up on your marriage. Make sure that you and your spouse are both satisfied, so to speak. Be spontaneous and different in the bedroom; explore the things you know your partner loves and surprise him or her now and then with something that will blow them away. You know them best so use your creativity and imagination.

Always be the person your spouse can come to when they need support, a shoulder to cry on, guidance and just to talk. This will prevent them from looking somewhere else for emotional support. When you anticipate the common problems that cause divorce, you can work to prevent them from ruining your marriage. By following the advice and tips in this article, you can build a healthier, happier and stronger marriage.

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Do not give up on your relationship, you and your husband are worth the fight to keep your love alive. No matter what your situation is you will find that these ten highly effective ways to get your husband back really work. They are easy to understand and you should have no difficulty in putting them into action. You will find that if you practice these ten highly effective ways, that you will more than likely see your husband fall in love with you all over again, however do not be surprised if you find yourself falling head over heals in love with your husband.

1. You should appeal to his ego by praising the things your husband is about. Be vary careful not to over do it with complements or you will make your intentions obvious and you will want to stay low key, so just use your with warmth and charm.

2. You should remove all the guilty feelings that may be coming through your speech when talking to your husband. This is a must when trying to get your husband back. Identify all the ways you may be trying to make him feel guilt about leaving or missing him. Guilt is not productive and may give you short term results but it will be for the wrong reasons.

3. Express your need for your husband in a way that makes him feel vary important. But you need to be careful not to over do this as you can actually make him feel guilty instead. Use your intimate knowledge of what he wishes he is for you.

4. Please listen to what he is saying because your husband will reveal his secret desires about the way he wishes you would look at him.

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5. Show your husband that his presence alone is enough to make you happy. I mean really show him, light up when he walks into a room. How would you feel if he light up when ever you walked into his presence.

6. Try to make him believe that his touch makes you the happiest woman in the world and fills you with true joy. This is so important to your husband that if you would be able do only this step he would never have a reason to leave.

7. Tell your husband in soft and gentle ways how you believe him to be just perfect for you in every way. Use the unique qualities about your husband to your advantage.

8. Now that you are doing the things that are winning your husbands heart you will need to apologize for not showing your love in the past as you do now

9. Tell your husband that you are waking up to how amazing he really is. Use the break up to your advantage by showing your husband what you are able to see now verses how you may have been asleep at wheel before.

10. You should talk about your husband in a flattering way to everyone you know when he is not around. because if this ever gets back to him you will win a loyalty from your husband that cannot be rivaled by anyone.

Use these ten highly effective ways to get your husband back and you will be amazed at how quickly you and your husband fall in love all over again.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

Author's Bio: 

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