My Husband Would Rather Be With His Friends: My Husband's Friend Is Ruining Our Marriage

Q. My husband always wants to hang out with his "boys". He used to hang out with them a lot before we got married, and I thought that after we got married things would change and that he'd want to spend more time with me. Wrong!

It would be different if they did something productive, but all they do is sit around watching TV, playing video games, and listening to music. None of them have wives or serious girlfriends, except my husband-- so I know they talk about other women, too.

We've only been married a year, and I already feel like we're slipping into an old married couple relationship. A lot of fussing--and not much good communication. I'm afraid we won't make it past year two. What can I do to make him want to spend more time with me?

J. N.

A. It is important that you and your husband spend a good amount of time together, especially as you guys are still learning what marriage is all about. But breaking up the boys club could be disastrous to your marriage. So I would not recommend telling your husband to cut his friends off completely, unless they are encouraging him to be unfaithful to you or contributing to addictive behaviors.

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I know it can be annoying if your husband seems like he'd rather spend time with his buddies instead of you, but you'll need to give him some rope. Whatever you do, don't nag him about his time with his friends and let it be a constant source of bickering. Be clear that you want to spend more time with him, but let your actions be positive.

Here are three positive actions you can take:

1. Encourage the boys to meet in your house. Make his friends feel welcome in your home, make snacks (if you like to cook), and give them room to do their thing.

2. Suggest regular dates with your husband. Fill his social calendar at least once or twice a week with a planned activity that you two can share together. These dates don't have to be expensive or overly involved. They can be as simple as a walk in the park or coffee at you local coffee shop. You can initiate until he feels the need to do more of the planning.

3. Another solution would be to set his friends up. I know that it's a little sneaky and risky, but it can work. If they're just two or three of them, have monthly mixers (or get-togethers) in your home with them and some of your single girlfriends. Who knows, they may hit it off, thereby freeing up some of your husband's time.

A combination of these three suggestions, will probably work best. They'll broaden your social life and deepen your relationship with each other. I hope these ideas have been helpful. I'm wishing you all the best in your marriage!

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Well thought out practices can save your marriage and keep it strong. Taking care of your partner as you would your desirable customer rather than an irritating coworker will Save Your Marriage.

Think about it.

- Did you fight with other kids, especially your siblings?

- Did smart off to your parents and storm off?

- Did you resent a coworker whose work you had to redo?

Have you ever treated your partner like any of these? When you were dating, how did you treat your partner?

Why is it that marriage implies to some of us that we can begin treating our partner differently? As a business owner, if you happily court a potential client and the customer becomes hard, would you begin treating the client with disdain? You would not. You would work hard to improve the relationship and keep the client. You would treat them like gold and smile all the way to the bank. Good treatment could lead to improved behavior on the part of the customer as he experiences your good will.

But, that's business, you might say. Mmmm, let's think about that. A business client is more important than your partner, your love, your companion? The marriage vows spell out, in most cases, a way of honoring and treating one another that is even more demanding than a business relationship with a customer.

I saw my marriage through a new lens when my counselor let me know his view on the subject. His belief was that if each person feared losing their partner in a relationship, they would consciously strive to treat one another better.

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Can you see your partner as your number one client, to be treated as if you don't want to lose him or her?

Our fictional company may have a sales person and client service representative that deal with customers directly, keeping them contented to stay with the business. Of course, this makes the owner's job easier, but that is not the case for you in your marriage. These roles are important to you as the partner in a marriage, to ensure your most important relationship is rich and loving.

If you make the shift I did, you will relate to your partner in a different more optimistic way. If you upgrade your treatment of your partner, it will bring an optimistic change in them. The law of cause and effect is in play. It is a power you can engage for your benefit. How? Embrace romance and its inherent magic.

Romancing your partner can change the outcome of your relationship. Think about it this way:

1. Engage your 'marketing' sense to plan a romantic series of events.

2. Your internal sense of customer service will deliver.

3. Your partner is blown away, they smile, they aren't so cranky anymore.

4. They realize they get treated better by you than by anyone else.

5. They decide to stick with you forever.

Your Romance Campaign should revolve around a pre-set, unbreakable, weekly date. Dates change as your family and situation changes. To give you an idea:

1. In the beginning they may be passionate and adventurous.

2. During your career, as it develops, you may only get out to dinner.

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3. Feed the kids early and put them to bed; then have a candle light dinner for just the two of you. (These should not be times for painting the kitchen!)

4. As the kids grow, your dates may be attending their soccer games.

5. Dates should encourage laughter and build happy moments to reflect upon during times of stress.

6. Join a walking club or dinner group with other couples. Square dancing can be fun and emphasizes being partners.

When things get hectic, you may be tempted to cancel the date. Don't, as a habit broken is harder to begin again. "To what do you attribute your long marriage?" is a question asked of older couples. They will often answer that they had a regular date night.

Better yet, help out a buddy's marriage and go on a double date. A new study indicates that couples who double date find their own relationship enhanced. Richard Slatcher, co-author of the study says that "one thing that drives commitment is how much the lives of husbands and wives intersect - when you have a good experience with another couple it makes you happier, adds something fresh, and reinforces the healthy aspect of being a twosome."

Your partner will see how important you are to the relationship if you create the space that makes him or her feel like your most valued client. The ideal place to create the feeling of being valued is on a date. Keep your weekly date sacred. If you can do this, you will not be alone - you will save your marriage and share your days with this life long companion.

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Some people may believe that great tips for happy married life can be a bit apparent, however if that's the case why are there numerous unhappy marriages?

When you are on the inside of a long-term relationship, it can be extremely tough to focus on the overall image.

That's why ideally these pointers for better communication in marriage can renew your marital relationship.

Yes, of the best good marriage advice is good communication in marriage.

A marriage is nothing without communication-and that doesn't imply snapping and arguing at each other all the time-that's not genuine interaction.

When and talking and taking a relaxing seat over your day, interaction can mean no newspaper in your face or no television blaring for.

When there is an issue, it can be in letting your partner know in a direct way. Advice for a happy marriage is always about some good direct interaction.

Of the tips for happy married life includes you both, and so any scenarios or problems constantly consist of both of you.

Individuals are certainly not on a training level like animals or house-breaking your dog.

Be open to the naturalness in each of you and embrace that love.

You must from within yourself naturally make your partner happy and feel your love, and learn how to naturally connect as one-- being whole with one another.

The Course in Miracles terms this natural inner love, as being what creates the "holy relationship."

Though, if you don't honestly have good communication in marriage then you aren't being real to yourself, your partner, or your marriage.

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Issues in marriages are like snowballs accumulating as they are rolling down a hill-it's much easier to stop them early.

Know the difference in between falling in love and maintaining a caring relationship.

Falling in love can typically be like being in a fantasy at first, the topic of your love can do nothing incorrect and all various areas of your brain are impaired due to your fixation with them.

Sadly, this state seldom lasts past the first couple of years of marital relationship.

Be sure to in most cases communicate with the idea of preserving a healthy and caring relationship, where you both are living the life you want.

The Course in Miracles teaches us how to "bring fantasy to Truth" for the holy relationship."

(In a previous discussion we delved into more on good relationship advice-- say from the relationship hotline of your inner core.)

Remember the theory about the word Karma?

Of the greater tips for happy married life is about putting a little karmic theory into your marriage-you get back exactly what you give.

I mean if you do everything you can to make your partner happy, the chances are they will step up their efforts to make you feel wonderful and loved.

These tips for happy married life can simply assist in the tough times, so I hope it helps you if you are seeking good marriage advice.

I'm sure you agree that a marriage is nothing without communication-and that does not indicate arguing over nonsense and snapping at each other all the time.

That certainly is not inner-- from the heart, communication in marriage. A marriage has the full potential for lasting a lifetime when there is loving, direct communication.

I'd previously written about when you're noticing signs she's seeing someone else and when it's time to let go of the relationship, and I suggest you take a look.

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Intense Jealousy in a romantic relationship can be one of the most debilitating emotions. Yet some people hold onto jealousy because it seems to serve them well.

People get jealous for any number of reasons in this type of relationship. Sometimes this jealousy may be well founded while at other times it may be totally uncalled for. It is one thing when a particular situation within a relationship justifies the feeling of jealousy. However, It is totally another situation when the jealousy is not driven by any particular situation but mainly by the insecurity of one person in the relationship.

Jealousy, Control and Possessiveness

Sadly, some people due to a high level of insecurity will use jealousy to try to control their partner's actions, who they associate with and even what they do. This behavior is often accompanied by possessiveness that itself can stress the relationship. Oftentimes the person displaying the jealousy has little or no real reason to feel that way, apart from the fact that there is the desire to keep their partner focused on them only.

This is an extremely dangerous game to play in a relationship and since one party will soon realize that they are being manipulated and controlled, it becomes difficult for that person to want to be completely open. This is where trust starts to suffer and it is only a matter of time before distance grows between both parties.

No one enjoys being with someone who is overbearing, controlling and who seemingly do things for very selfish reasons. And this is precisely how an insecure person who relies on the constant portrayal of jealousy will behave in a relationship. Sometimes one person in the relationship will act jealous in order to invoke guilt from their partner. This is done with the belief that with guilt comes more attention and dedication. This is a zero sum game where no one will win as very soon the other person will soon clearly see what is going on and trust will be severely compromised.

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What To Do When Jealousy Is Used To Control

If you find yourself in this type of guilt-based relationship where jealousy is used to invoke guilt time and time again, then you need to take a good look at what is really the cause of the jealousy and deal with the identified causes. Using jealousy to manipulate in a relationship is an extremely dangerous game to play and the danger is that for a time it may work and seem to bring suitable results but in the long run it will destroy your relationship.

Steps you can take to rid your relationship of this malady are:

* There first need to be acceptance by both parties that this is in fact happening and is a problem. If you do not accept that there is a problem, then it is going to be impossible to find a solution.

* Have a frank and honest discussion on what factors may be causing the insecurity in the relationship.

* Try to understand how the associated factors result in feelings of jealousy.

* Face down these factors by asking yourself if they are real or just a product of someone's imagination.

* If the factors are the result of fear at what may happen in the relationship, then you need to find out why these fears exist in the first place and confront them.

* Keep on working on each identified issue, going deeper and deeper with each party's feelings until you fully understand what is going on. At that point, it should get easier to deal with the issues. But be true to the process and persevere. The results will come if you are both sincere.

With acceptance, honesty and perseverance you can rid your relationship of debilitating jealousy and the resultant frustration. There should be no placing of blame nor accusations. See the problem as apart from yourselves and something that you both have a responsibility to address.

Debilitating jealousy and trust cannot exist in a romantic relationship at the same time. It is particularly for this reason why you should seek to address it early if you or your partner start to experience constant feelings of jealousy, whether the jealousy is justified or not, but especially if it is not justified. Your relationship deserves to enjoy mutual trust, or else why waste your time being together?

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.

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