My Husband Picks On Everything I Do: How Often Does A Healthy Couple Fight

My Husband Picks On Everything I Do: How Often Does A Healthy Couple Fight

There is really no way around them. Disagreements are a normal part of the human condition. You can learn how to save your marriage from the unnecessary rifts that many of us experience if you set your mind on conflict resolution.

Many marriages that where once strong and solid have experienced the unravelling effects of unresolved disagreements and arguments. Unfortunately none of us are impervious to the battle-weary results of excessive bickering and arguing.

It's important to attend to your difference quickly. Don't let unresolved issues pile up and ultimately boil over into an all-out battle. Dealing with small issues swiftly will keep them in their place and prevent them from escalating into bigger problems.

Changing the ground rules of discussion is an all important first step toward eliminating the pain and damage resulting from relentless arguing. Arguments can be destructive when real communication breaks down while you fire hurtful barbs at one another.

Have you ever lost track of the real substance of your disagreement as an argument scales up into heated proportion. This is how married couples spiral into total communication loss and often say or do things that cause irreparable damage to their relationships.

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Guidelines for Improved Communication

- Don't be over-defensive. If you meet every discussion with a defense posture your chances for starting an argument are virtually guaranteed. Defensive behavior will add stress to your already overloaded marital relationship.

- Leave the past behind. If you insist on reliving old unresolved problems you'll fuel any small discussion into an argument with serious results. Rehashing old problems only serve to re-ignite the flames of past problems. You need to leave the past behind and make an effort to discuss new problems without the pain of old ones.

- Forgiveness is the great peacemaker. True forgiveness can work miracles in every marriage. Learning the power of forgiveness will bring peace and harmony to any relationship.

- Release negativity. Over time, many married couple acquire patterns of negative thinking about their spouses. These patterns can become deeply embedded and cause great harm to your partner over time. They begin to overshadow every discussion and every disagreement.

There are those who believe that the only way they can express their feeling is to bring their pain to the conversation. These people run the risk of not only hurting their partner but they also cause damage to their relationship as well. It's a fast track to disaster when your spouse's negative pattern finally pushes their partner over the edge.

Modify Your Own Behavior

Modifying your behavior is a personal matter and if you recognize any of the symptoms above in your self, you may want to examine what you can do to change your ways.

Remove any unnecessary behavior that sabotages your relationship. These can lead to irrational thinking and create avenues for excessive disagreement over petty issues.

Check on your reliability factors. Do you follow through on your promises? If you struggle with this you'll soon become an unreliable spouse. This results in a lack of trust in your relationship and can quickly move you toward increased difficulties. Follow through on your promises and you'll avoid small problems blossoming into larger ones.

Become A Positive Motivator

Replacing negativity with positive motivations will strengthen your healthy outlook on your marriage. It will give you the power to support your spouse without reserve and signal a true solidarity in your relationship.

Listen and support your spouses needs with a positive outlook. Hold your opinions until you've had an opportunity to fully comprehend the meaning of their words. Take time to find helpful solutions that work for both you and your partner.

Positive behaviors will set a fresh example for your partner, who will in turn, respond with a more positive response when future issues and disagreement surface.

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Have you ever wondered, how married couples, who truly love each other, stay together and seem to love each other even more? or How they do it and what's their secret? I guess if it could all be answered in just a couple of sentences, everybody would be doing it, this article would end here, and we'd be done and dusted, package delivered, I'm out - peace.

Unfortunately for me, we're only just starting.

Your marriage began the second you said "I DO", to the person, you loved to bits and you knew would always be there for you for the rest of your life. But how do couples keep the love alive in a marriage and the passion burning HOT? Firstly it is highly important that before you both tie the knot in marriage, that you both, personally know what you have in common and what you don't, what weaknesses you possess and what strengths you have. Before the marriage has actually started, it makes good sense to know how to recognize problems that may arise and how to handle them. The sacred marriage vows, couples promise to each other should be remembered and honored for all time.

Although couples enter into a marriage looking forward to a wonderful and prosperous future, they will undertake problems, conflicts and struggles. Struggles that will test the couples relationship, even to the point of breaking. Marriages can be ripped apart from the struggles it will experience or as the old saying goes, anything that doesn't kill (the relationship) will only make it stronger, both the relationship and the married couple. Couples will need to rely on each other to deal with all problems and disagreements encountered along the way.

Now-days though, when married couples are confronted with conflicts, they tend to bail out of the marriage immediately, rather than work things out. To side step this reality, and help rescue and protect your marriage before its too late, here's some pointers and advice that you might need to know.

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During any conflict, dilemma, struggle or argument - consultation and communication is paramount. Listen to what your spouse is saying to you. Listen, listen, listen and no matter what else you do, don't cut them off while they are speaking, don't try to solve the problem, before you have heard all of the facts and don't be negative and cause any more arguments, as this will hinder your progress. Listen to your partner with an open and understanding mind and a loving heart. Sometimes your partner may need your understanding that, you don't have to solve all their problems all of the time, and that they may just need you to hear them out, be supportive or tell them that your are sorry for what ever issue it is they are going through or that your are sorry, they are struggling to find the words, they need to express and explain their situation or that your are sorry, they are having great difficulty trying to draw on the courage, they need to deal with, what ever it is they are experiencing at this difficult time. We all need to be loved and supported by our partners. We need our partners to be our sounding board, and vent to them any thoughts, frustrations or problems, we may have bottled up or get off our chest any issues or dislikes that are stressing us out. With this said, we also need our beloved partners to give them a big hug and tell us that everything will be alright.

Be strong and remain positive. When the marriage is fresh and new and the couples have a strong attraction to one another, they pay attention to the cute little things each other does but over time, without warning, the couple starts to notice little things that stand out, that they don't like or becomes a nuisance, annoying and a inconvenience to say the least. To avoid the drama of a huge marriage break up, couples need to remember when they first fell in love with each other, or the cute little things each other did when their marriage was new, what ever you do, don't complain.

Complaining to your partner or directly at them, all of the time is like being continually kicked in the guts, not a good look, not good at all. Too much nagging and complaining can cause them to switch off from listening - making them really angry, frustrated and hurt. The best approach you could take is the higher ground, by communicating your selected choices of complaints to your partner, delivered in a positive, constructive manner, so they don't feel intimidated, offended or embarrassed. At all times remain cool, calm and collected and don't forget to give merit, when merit is due to your partner for their mature attitude towards issues you've raised, the positive wise qualities they contribute to the relationship and the understanding only the person whom you love and adore would possess.

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Spend a lot of quality time together and both of you will appreciate each others company and become more closer in the process. Don't just limit yourselves to talk about your problems while your spending time on outings, or on dates - your together time to talk about those issues should happen all the time. Its important to talk about positive things as well, mixing the negative issues with the positive ones, is a good thing, nobody wants to hear the negatives all the time - too depressing. So communicate your fears and concerns to your partner, just remember to mix the positives with the negatives, throughout your discussions and conversations and you'll be fine. What ever you do, don't get caught up on talking to your partner about the petty little problems, you encounter at work, you have with family or friends. That's a negative trap for married couples, you'd never want to get stuck in that predicament, it could take years to get out of and change.

Remember that sex was a huge part of when you first met and it made the relationship exciting, riveting and exhilarating. Don't forget to be intimate and affectionate. Make time to show your true affections for each other and remember that having a happy relationship, doesn't just revolve around having tons of sex.

We only live once, so live in the moments that take your breath away with the ones we love, treasure those memories forever.

Treasured memories, where you spend time together at home, snuggled together on the couch or sleeping in together on the weekends or holding hands while your walking down the street or in a mall or taking baths or showers together or a gentle kiss on the neck or massaging the tense muscles of your loved one or a light peak on the cheek. Its about connecting with one another, emotionally, touching each other in a non sexual way. Through physical contact in a non sexual way, you exhibit the true connection and love, you have for each other.

To help save your marriage before it ever starts to break, your marriage relationship will require a few things to ensure its success. Compassion, acceptance, patience, understanding, empathy, communication and love.

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During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole world is falling apart and all of your dreams are being shattered. Hearing the words "I don't love you anymore," "I want a divorce," or "I don't know if I want to stay married" can leave you reeling from the shock.

Many feelings surface after the initial stunned reaction: anger, fear, anxiety, confusion, resentment, bitterness, desperation, and depression. Everything seems mixed up and slightly unreal, as though this is really happening to someone else, not to you. But, unbelievably, it is happening to you.

This is when you have to use every ounce of courage and strength that you possess and a lot that you didn't know you had until now. Immediately, you have to create space for some private time so that you can take care of yourself, regroup, and create a plan of action.

You might need to take a day off from work, spend some time talking with a close friend, buy a notebook and start writing down your feelings and thoughts, or take a long walk in the park. Another option is to call and schedule a counseling appointment for yourself as soon as possible.

Next, spend some time thinking about how you'll handle the situation. Your goal is to buy time so that your spouse doesn't bolt out of the door prematurely. You want to slow things down so that your spouse can have time to reconsider and, if at all possible, agree to go to counseling with you.

During this time of crisis, you will have to be the "guardian of the marriage flame." It will be up to you to keep hope and love alive so that the fire won't go out. You can complain that it's not fair and that it shouldn't be this way.

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But the bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage and your partner wants out, it's going to be up to you to take positive action. During the crisis, you'll need to be willing to do much more than your fair share to keep your marriage alive.

And that means that despite your fear and anxiety, it's up to you to keep hope alive--hope that your marriage will make it--hope that your partner will change his or her mind--hope that your marriage can survive this and be even better than ever.

Here are some tips on how to keep hope alive and cope during this time:

1. Don't give up on your marriage no matter what your spouse has said. People often change their mind. No situation is hopeless if at least one partner is willing to do whatever it truly takes to preserve the marriage. There is always hope that your marriage can be transformed by loving energy. Many spouses reconsider their initial impulse to leave and decide that they have invested too much time and energy to just throw their marriage away without at least trying marriage counseling.

2. Don't take everything your spouse says personally. People often say extreme things when they are upset or trying to justify what they're doing. A partner who feels guilty about telling you she wants a divorce may get really angry instead. A spouse who has never expressed his true feelings about things may finally explode with a long list of your faults through the years.

3. Really anchor in your mind that how you react to the situation will have a major impact on how things go from here. If you keep badgering a spouse who wants some emotional space, you are giving her the perfect excuse to go ahead and leave. You can't control what your spouse chooses to do or not to do, but you can control how you choose to handle the situation.

4. Allow yourself to be "confused." If your spouse asks what you're going to do next, just say that you're confused and need time to think, that you don't want to make any rushed decisions. Being "confused" can defuse a spouse who is just waiting to pick a fight. It also buys you some time.

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5. Honor your spouse's request for emotional space, if that is an issue. Back off and take some time to regroup, stabilize yourself, and take the spotlight off of your partner for the time being. You have much to lose if you let your anxiety take over and demand immediate answers to difficult questions.

6. Make a list of all the different things you can do to ground yourself and get more balanced emotionally and physically. Include things like working out at the gym, getting a massage, walking or hiking, letting close friends be supportive, listening to inspirational tapes on the way to work, reading books about people who have survived hard times, receiving power from your spiritual roots and connections, attending services at your church, temple, or mosque, or starting individual counseling sessions. Then make plans to implement the ones you think will help the most.

7. Decide that whatever happens in your marriage, it's important to you to know that you gave it your best shot and that you tried everything you knew to do. So instead of trying to constantly try to figure out what the odds are that your marriage will survive, instead put your energy into doing what you can in a helpful way every day. Be proactive and take positive action.

8. Start expanding your life to include some new interests and activities. Don't wait until everything is settled about your marriage before you start enjoying as much of your life as you can. Your marriage situation may be unresolved, but that doesn't mean you need to brood and obsess about it all the time. Stretch yourself to broaden your world. When you are enjoying yourself by participating in activities that interest you, you become more interesting to others, including your spouse.

9. Make a conscious choice to remain positive and to have the expectation that something good and helpful will come out of this experience in the long run. Your expectation will affect what happens. If you are doubtful, the energy of doubt will permeate your efforts. Tell yourself that there's always a creative solution to any problem. Trust in your ability to be creative, flexible, and resilient.

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People seek marriage counseling because they need help or are in pain. In any given couple, there is usually one who is more interested in counseling than the other. With a list of complaints, each partner usually feels compelled to make his/her case to the counselor about their spouse being "the problem". Although initially both partners seem to have the agenda of having the counselor straighten out the other, the benefits of marital counseling can quickly guide the cooperative efforts of the partners for the benefit of the relationship. Marriage counseling can be viewed as block of opportunities, some of which include:

1. An opportunity to have a safe environment for identifying what is really bothering you and telling your spouse;
2. An opportunity to learn and practice new communication and problem solving skills;
3. An opportunity to work through pain and resentments
4. An opportunity to regain the ability to see the "positives" in your spouse and your relationship;
5. An opportunity to work through unresolved emotional baggage from previous relationships (including family of origin);
6. An opportunity to identify the important and to learn to let go of the unimportant.
7. An opportunity to learn to forgive;
8. An opportunity to eliminate toxic power struggles;
9. An opportunity to learn the secrets of true intimacy, how to get it, and how to maintain it;
10. An opportunity to get reacquainted with your beloved and to deepen your knowledge of him/her
11. An opportunity to establish goals and practice working together as a team;
12. An opportunity to make the most of today together.

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Here are some tips on how to make the most of these opportunities:
1. Keep your appointments.
2. Do the homework and don't wait until the night before.
3. Practice your newly acquired skills between sessions.
4. Maintain your perspective about the goals of counseling-to solve problems rather than gain victories.
5. Let go of need to be right or maintain the upper hand.
6. Don't punish each other for risking in sessions.
7. Be willing to be generous, humble, and understanding.
8. Work hard to move quickly through the blaming stage and into the collaborative problem solving stage.

You get out of counseling what you are willing to put into it. You are not expected to go into counseling with the skills you need to solve the problems of the relationship. You are expected to be willing to learn. To learn skills, you have to have an open mind and acceptance of the need to change. Sometimes partners enter counseling with the expectation that they can continue to do the same things over and over and that magically the counselor will make it work. The opportunities presented in marriage counseling can only be seized by having a willingness to change.

Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause your spouse to feel even more distant from you. You can make your spouse fall back in love with you, all over again.

You don't have to worry about whether your spouse is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make them fall hopelessly in love with you.